By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

What is wrong with America? Many people think our country is on the down slope, having passed its golden age and beginning a descent into ruin. Nobody seems to have a definitive answer on what it is pulling us down, but whatever it is some pseudo-nutritionist and holistic quacks seem to think the answer resides in the collective colon of this country.

If you are ever up early or late enough and watch most cable channels you will see that the world of infomercials has moved away from how to make money on foreclosures or new products that get stains out of anything to in depth discussions of colon health and cleansing.

Until I caught my first infomercial of this type I never knew that colon health was that big of an issue for folks, but my eyes were opened by the slew of products for and discussions about the colon. Who knew that a cleansed colon is the key to a slim waistline, toned muscles and a six-figure income? It worked for them so it can work for us too.

You might just be one colonic away from a sports car and a model on your arm. It is not just television infomercials touting the benefits of products like “Colon Blow” (there really is a product out there called Colon Blow) the Web is chock full of sites walking you through the steps to a healthy back end.

I’ve had a peripheral interest in the snake oil of colon cleansing since I saw my first paid advertisement about the process a year ago, but it wasn’t until earlier this month and the discussions about what killed Elvis focused around the thirtieth anniversary of his death that I started studying what these “researchers” who hock their products in front of the backdrop of a tropical beach, were saying.

By the way isn’t it weird that we focus on the death day and not the birthday of Elvis…it is not like he was assassinated…or was he?

The leading benefit claimed by these Florence Nightingales of the digestive tract was that their colon cleansing products would lead to a renewed feeling of youth, energy and weight loss. The hucksters’ weight loss claims were centered around the belief that we Americans have pound upon pound of undigested burgers and snack cakes in us and just using the product will release that and get you back into that pair of jeans that stays folded up in a bottom drawer smelling of moth balls.

And there is the real draw of the products-weight loss. We Americans don’t want to do anything icky like exercise or eat less to lose weight, why do that when you can mix up some powder that will flush all that excess out with one fell poo…err…swoop. Why deny yourself that second bowl of ice cream when you could spend all day in the bathroom and get the same result? I guess the same American-itis that leads folks to gather in the sweltering Memphis heat in mid-August to remember Elvis is the same affliction that makes folks believe the secret to life is in their butt.

It is amazing that so many generations of Americans before us built the great cities, fought the big wars, made great scientific discoveries, put a man on the moon and generally lived great lives all with non-cleansed colons. In deference to the truth, there has always been this sort of chicanery in American society but I don’t know that it was ever as prevalent as it is now. With so many forms of media to choose from the snake oil salesmen have many ways to get their message out and the quote still stands true, “There’s a sucker born every minute.”

There will be colon cleanse proponents out there that will claim the medical establishment is just trying to cover up the epidemic of unclean colons. I wonder how they think that happens? Is there a mass mailing sent out to physicians that says “keep this colon thing on the down-low?”

Or do doctors get their colon subterfuge marching orders behind closed doors at some yearly convention like something out of the “DaVinci Code?” If you ever start to fall for a backside-power-wash product yourself, ask yourself if you believe that the doctors of the world are trying to hide this problem from you when they could do a bang-up business doing colon cleansing and detailing?

These quick fix products sell out because of us. We the United States of the Afflicted are so ready to jump at the next product that tells us it is not our fault that a whole industry has grown up around a problem that doesn’t exist. You feel run down because you work too much and don’t sleep enough, you feel old because you ain’t getting’ any younger and you’re fat because you eat too much and don’t exercise.

For goodness sakes though please cleanse your mind and leave your butt out of this.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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