Mobile Magnified

Some of you have been naughty. So very naughty, in fact, I’m going to have to take you into my spank tank and bend you over my knee. Rrrrooow! Of course, some of you freaks will like it. I wonder if Judge Hermie spanked the bare booty, over boxers or just over the jeans? Ouch! In any case, it’s just freaky. Only in Mobile! And here are some other things you could also say that about…

Hermie gets a night at the Roxbury

My god. I just can’t get over this whole Herman Thomas thing. I swear the fact that we have a judge supposedly spanking bad little boys – actually full-grown criminals – in a closet/shrine is just incomprehensible. We should be so proud. Tons of national media coverage!

And the description of that little, secret room? OMG! There was a nice chair sitting there at a normal height and then one adjusted to be barely off the floor. Look, I know I have a filthy mind, but you know what that sounds like. Double OMG!!

I guess everyone has been a little obsessed with this. Local personality Jolene Roxbury was so much so she wrote a song about it called “Spank Me” to the tune of Blondie’s “Call Me.” It made the FW: rounds all last week and is a scream. The chorus goes something like “I’m just sitting up here doing time/Spank Me, Spank Me, I’m fine/ Just bring the paddle, and I’ll bring the wine.”

I looked on joleneroxbury.com and didn’t see a link, but I’m sure at least one of your friends can forward it to you.

I’m sure Hermie would not be amused, as he seems to be in a little bit of a bad mood lately. A Courthouse Spy heard the Hermster threw a fit at Government Plaza last week.

According to the spy, Hermie found himself locked out of his chambers last week and was none too happy when told he could not enter. He supposedly tried reminding the staff who wears the black robes around there, but was told that for the time being, his robes were in the closet.

Our spy also said Hiz Honor was overheard complaining that everyone is picking on him and that he’s being persecuted. Sounds like someone’s going to be taking a few folks to the woodshed – if he ever gets the keys to his woodshed back, that is.

Soul Patrol through Flora-Bama

The Flora-Bama was of course covered up Labor Day weekend. So much so, no one seemed to notice former “American Idol” winner and Alabama native Taylor Hicks wandering around The’Bama in a baseball cap. Well, that is, until he got up on stage for a full set with Auburn band Spoonful James and Rick Carter of Rollin’ in the Hay fame.

A spy who was sitting by the old oyster bar was chatting with Manager Michael Coats when suddenly Coats said, “I’m sorry. I have to go. The eagle has landed,” indicating the silver-haired crooner had arrived at everyone’s favorite coastal dive.

This all went down around 10 p.m. after Hicks show at The Wharf Amphitheatre. Apparently, Hicks tried to remain incognito and politely refused a photo so it wouldn’t draw any attention to him. Note to self: Never go on “American Idol” because A) you can’t sing B) Simon would make you cry and C) if you do well, you can’t even go drink a Budweiser at your favorite bar without being attacked. Fame – ain’t it a bitch?

Save a Skank, Ride a Redneck?

Speaking of famous folks at the Flora-Bama, the same spy heard from a waitress who heard from a waitress that country stars Big and Rich were spotted at the Bama the weekend after Labor Day. No word on whether they saved a horse and rode a redneck. I guess we can ask them when they play BayFest.

The FL spies on location in New Orleans

The Fruit Loop spies along with many a gay Mobilian ventured down to New Orleans Labor Day weekend for “Southern Decadence.” They say many of the things they saw involved nudity in bars, and I wouldn’t be able to print it. So, I think I’m sort of glad they didn’t really share anything. But they did say legendary drag queen Chi Chi Larue was there and threw a fabulous party. Also, the anthem of the weekend seemed to be Rihanna’s “Umbrella.”

And that they felt really sorry for all the poor straight people who ventured to the Big Easy on this crazy weekend of gay debauchery.

“I saw this poor preppy couple, the woman was dressed in Lily Pulitzer (he said as he stuck his finger down his throat to gag at her attire choice) headed to the pool at the Royal Orleans, and I just wanted to stop them and say, ‘Look, you probably don’t want to go there, bears have taken over.’” If you remember last issue’s lesson on gay bears, you will know that would not be a pretty sight. But apparently if you do want to see it, they have a Web site www.decadenceducks.com. I hear they put hundreds of rubber duckies in the pool. I don’t know why.

Okey Dokey.

Taking care of his den

As Jamarcus Russell’s agent continues to negotiate with the Oakland Raiders, the number one NFL draft pick and former Williamson High and LSU quarterback has been kicking it in Mob-town. I’m told the very, very large man got to see his Williamson Lions demolish Saint Paul Saints Friday, Sept. 7. The word on the field was that Russell bought new shoes for all the Lions. Jamarcus, you better wait until your agent gets you that extra $10 mill before you go spending all that money!

Speaking of shoes

One of my myspace spies reports a group of patrons at Traders decided to all fling their shoes into the bay recently. No word on why the customers on this favorite Causeway dive decided to do this, but I’m sure the gators were not pleased.

Remember to sign up to be a Boozie friend at www.myspace.com/booziebeernues, and you too can report the next time everyone in your bar throws their shoes into a body of water.

Well kids, that’s all I got for this issue. Hopefully we will not learn that any of our judges are involved in any sort of S& M over the next two weeks. But just in case, you better take your whip with you to court in the meantime. And just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or just some plain ol’ judicial butt spankin’ lovin’, I will be there. Ciao!

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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