Kudzu Queen

By Tamara Ducote

Conventional wisdom says the only demographic left to make fun of without running afoul of the P.C. police is the white male. I beg to differ. People make fun of the crackhead demographic all the time, with impunity.

Crackheads get no respect. I’m not saying they deserve any, but I am saying they do serve a purpose in the economic food chain. Let us recognize them for the very real contributions they make.

Crackheads represent job security for police, judges, wardens, social workers, bounty hunters and pawn shop owners.

I don’t have any firsthand experience with being a crackhead. In my misspent youth, when crack was a newcomer, I was far too busy being an alcoholic and pothead to explore anything else. I simply didn’t have the time to spare. By the time crack became a raging epidemic, I was retired from the drug/alcohol scene. So I only know about crack addiction secondhand. My source is my neighborhood. There are some stable homeowners here, but there are also a lot of low-income, subsidized rental homes, which cycle families of crackheads through with clockwork regularity.

I honestly wonder sometimes: Does one have to have a crackhead at the helm of the family in order to qualify for Section 8? And you can take your politically correct indignation about that statement and shove it right up your favorite orifice, unless your house has been broken into more times than mine has.

I can’t beat ‘em. Might as well maximize the benefits of having crackhead neighbors. Crackheads actually help the economy, in the short run. Right after they’ve been fired from their jobs and right before they turn to breaking into our houses, crackheads are excellent yard people and handymen. These people will do backbreakingly hard work for a pittance of what non-crackheads charge.

Crackheads will even undercut illegal immigrants’ wages. I’m surprised the illegal immigrants aren’t picketing Mobile’s crack-infested areas. I used to feel guilty about taking advantage of the local crackhead labor pool until I realized these are the same people who will steal my TV, computer, car and microwave a month or so down the road, when their addiction is really kicking their ass, and their crack monkey has grown into Godzilla. If I want to come out on top or just even, I’ve got to ruthlessly exploit them within a very narrow window of opportunity.

Here’s how to find out if your new neighbors are crackheads. You set out bait for them. Bait your yard with a piece of equipment or furniture you don’t want anymore. Within two days, the item will be missing. Within two more days your new neighbor, if he is indeed a crackhead, will appear at your door, volunteering to help you regain your lost property. He saw the whole heinous thing go down. All he needs is a ride to, generally, either Theodore or Prichard, and a modest cash reward. If this scenario occurs, congratulations! You’ve got a crackhead next door.

Your next move is to put your regular, noncrackhead yard man on hiatus. What the regular yard guy charges $40 to do, the crackhead will do for $15. Of course, you’ve got to stand outside with a sidearm and watch the whole time, or else the crackhead will make off with your lawnmower (again). Being the astute observer of the human condition that I am, I only lost two lawnmowers this way before I learned.

My friend Barry, a reformed addict and drug dealer, recently taught me how to fine-tune this scheme.

“Fifteen dollars is way too much to pay,” Barry said. “Catch the crackhead on a Tuesday, NOT the first of the month, and he’ll do it for four dollars. ‘Cause NOBODY gets paid or gets a check on a mid-month Tuesday. That’s the optimum time to hire a crackhead.”

“Wow, thanks, Barry.”

“No problem.”

“But Barry, how do I bring the whole adjusted salary schedule thing up?”

“You just say, ‘Bro, who ELSE is offering you four dollars today?’ That’ll cover it, if you’re dealing with a real crackhead. The wannabes will jack you up to seven or eight dollars, but your bonafide crackhead will take the four.”

“Got it.”

“Wait until he’s feeling real bad, on a Wednesday, and he’ll jump at three dollars.”

Crackheads make excellent roofers. Or maybe roofers make excellent crackheads. I’m not sure what came first, the crack addiction or the willingness to scramble around on a black tar and asphalt roof in 95-degree weather at noon in mid-August. But I’ve noticed there is a strong correlation between roofing and crack.

A crackhead at the apex of his addiction will happily agree to re-shingle your entire roof for 50 bucks. Once he’s up on the roof, you can re-negotiate his fee, especially if you’ve removed the ladder.

“Yeah, I know I said I’d pay you 50 dollars. But MY fee for putting the ladder back up against the house is 20. So how about we agree on 30 dollars, and I let you down from the roof when you’re done?”

I don’t feel bad about this at all. Because I can use all the money I’m saving on yard and roofing work to buy my own stuff (which the crackheads periodically liberate from my property) back from the pawn shops.

The whole thing is kind of poetic. The circle of life and all that. I am frankly surprised that Elton John hasn’t written a touching ballad about it yet.

Contact Tamara Ducote at TDDucote6@aol.com.

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