By Ashley Toland Editor

OK, WeMobilians. You really need to vote for annexation. Yes, yes, you will have to pay a percentage and a half more sales tax. It’s true. But isn’t it worth a buck and a couple of quarters (per $100) to be able to complain with full rights? You’ve probably got that money under your couch cushion right now!

I know I’d pay it. Oh wait! I already do. And it’s great.

You even get your very own person to complain to – they are called city councilfolks!

If someone speeds down my street, I can call my councilman and demand the Mount Everest of traffic calming devices. If my neighbors decide to start collecting broken down ‘84 Monte Carlo Super Sports in their front yard, there’s no need for me to go over and risk them pulling a shotgun on me. No way, Jose! I can just tattle on them. And then some city employee has to worry about getting shot as he goes to ticket them. Oh, the freedom.

And WeMobilians, you too will be able to travel down to Government Plaza every Tuesday at 10:30 a.m. and address your brand spanking new councilchick about overgrown lots, blight, prostitutes who defecate on your neighborhood grocery store (that has happened), neglected tennis courts, road conditions, police and fire service, song lyrics that offend you, taxi cab drivers who assault you – really anything at all that is troubling, bothersome and/or annoying.

And not only will you get to complain, but look at all the swag you’re going to get. It will be like Christmas in September.

No more paying $300 a year to have your garbage and trash hauled off, you’ll get a fancy and spacious garbage cart. They are a very nice tan color with lovely, sturdy wheels that help ease your collection of Hefties to the curb. And if they forget to dump yours one week, guess what? That’s right! Just pick up the phone and yell. You’re a potential vote now! Make sure to remind them of that.

And much like the Lord, the city will provide light. Yes, streetlights. No more driving home in the darkness, lights will guide you to your garage every evening. We’re about to bid Daylight Saving Time adieu, what better time to get nightlights?

And street sweepers! By the time they are finished, you can eat right off your lane, boulevard or avenue. Believe me, I have done it many times. Delicious!

But most of all, you won’t have the burden of knowing you were responsible for someone dying. I know you don’t want people to die. Seriously, I do. But they will, if you continue to want police and fire protection at the same level and are not willing to chip in for it. Just imagine your sweet little grandma, aunt, first cousin or someone you love who has a heart attack but it takes the paramedics 13 minutes to get there, and it was too late to save them. It’s not the emergency personnel’s fault they were too busy servicing the police jurisdiction to save Nanna’s life. Sorry, boo. It’s yours.

And you’ll say to me, “Toland, you are being ridiculous. We pay for police and fire.” And I’ll say – yes, yes, you do – a little bit. But not enough, considering your vast growth.

And I tell you, I’m going to hate you if I fall out of a tree and break my arm and I have to lay on the ground and moan for 10 extra minutes because my fire truck is on Schillinger. I will really, really hate you. And so will Nanna when she has fallen and can’t get up.

So you say to me, “Toland, Quit your little scare tactics. We don’t want no stinkin’ lights or garbage pick-up. And we’ll just take the police and fire service we pay for already.”

Well, Nanna and I are good with that, but are you, really?

The state law only requires the city provide service equal to the amount of business license tax collected, which is only like $800,000. Guys, I don’t even know if you could gas up one fire truck and police car in a year for that. OK, that’s a slight exaggeration, but really, that ain’t going to get you much.

You may not care right now, because it’s been fine thus far because they’ve been servicing you at a higher level. But as the city continues to grow and you don’t vote for this, I guarantee you the response times are going to get longer. They just will. And when your husband or wife dies on your bathroom floor, stand up and look in the mirror on your medicine chest to see whose fault is.

That probably seems a little extreme, but is it? Think about it long and hard, right up to the minute you walk into a voting booth on Sept. 18.

Nanna and I are counting on you.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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