By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

I’ve broken free from analyzing the lyrics to Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous” today to pass along a warning – a parable-meets-after-school-special of sorts. To begin this journey we must look to the East and I don’t mean Pensacola, but farther east than that. Turn your gaze to the land of the rising sun for the genesis of this story.

Let me begin by saying I’m a fan of many parts of Japanese culture; the fantastic eye for architecture, sushi, of course sake, the classical culture of the feudal period and, naturally, Godzilla, I mean there’s a lot of things from Japan I dig, but lately there’s something I don’t.

There are some immediate things that spring to mind when you think unwelcome Japanese imports, of course there is Hello Kitty then there’s Pokemon and the corresponding cartoon whose staccato sounds and flashing imagery cause children to have seizures. And just recently we have had to hear about the hot dog-eating champ Takeru Kobyashi and his gluttonous defense of his title. These are minor annoyances compared to what has struck closest to home, and that is the numerical bachelor.

Who is the numerical bachelor? Sudoku is the numerical bachelor. I guess I need to start on a fair platform and say that puzzles of Sudoku’s sort have been around for a long time and the modern version was created by a guy in Indianapolis back in 1979, but it took the Japanese to give it a catchy name and make it spread like a case of the clap at a Bangkok swingers’ convention.

The full name the Japanese gave this stuff is Suuji wa dokushin ni kagiru, which loosely translates into “the digits must remain single” or “numerical bachelors.” Memorize the name and know its signs, as it is the only way to protect you and your family. It’s too late for me; Sudoku has already taken two members of my family. Sudoku has struck home in my life by hooking my wife and father with what starts out as seemingly benign number puzzles.

A beginners’ Sudoku puzzle looks easy enough and that is how the puzzle begins its seduction. Someone will wander by an open Sudoku book and look at an uncomplicated puzzle, in the beginning of any puzzle book, and start trying to solve it. I call these gateway puzzles. Gateway puzzles are finished fairly quickly and really don’t harm the one solving the puzzle or their loved ones. They don’t take long and can even be played and solved with out anybody knowing what the new puzzler is involved in.

The problem is those easy puzzles aren’t good enough to keep the soon-to-be-addict’s attention and soon they graduate into more complicated Sudoku puzzles and finally into the hard stuff. I’m not saying this to show off, but I’ve been around the hard stuff a time or two and it ain’t pretty. Strung out on this hard stuff is where I currently find my wife and father. They will be detached from any conversation or interaction for hours at a time when they are in the clutches of the numerical bachelor.

The Mrs. and my dad are more than 30 years different in age, from different professions and have different hobbies and interests and they both got caught up in this puzzle culture. When you lose conscious interaction with loved one for hours at a time you’ll know my pain and the cost of all those erasers…crippling to any budget. Hopefully this can be a cautionary tale to help keep your family safe.

The cardinal rule is to keep your friends and family out of airports. Sudoku is rampant in gate waiting areas and on the planes themselves. It is so sad to see aisle after aisle of puzzle-atrons mumbling about the number nine and erasing so many pencils strokes that the eraser chaff piles up around their feet and in their laps like sawdust. Once on the airplane these people could no more care about how to fasten their seatbelt or where their nearest emergency exit is, all they want is continue their Sudoku binge.

There is not only people “fixing” in airports, but all the airport stores are selling the fix. They are not content with selling overpriced Sidney Sheldon paperbacks and porno mags ensconced in clear plastic wrappers, so they now are selling what could be the most addictive substance in the book world. These Sudoku merchants lure people in with big displays of brightly colored book covers that hide the lurid truth of the books, their block- and number-covered pages just waiting for a new user.

Doctors offices, the DMV, the drive-through at Popeyes – really anywhere there are long waits – Sudoku is making inroads and only an aware public can stop it and turn these people towards healthier diversions like paper football or reading gossip magazines. Thanks for your time and don’t let my loss not be your gain.

(This column originally ran in 2006. Mr. Sullivan will be back with new material as soon as his Soduku Madness is over.)

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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