Mobile Magnified

Geez. When it rains, it pours. BayFest is the gift that keeps on giving to the Boozester. Just when I thought I couldn’t hear anything crazier, I heard something, well, crazier.

Velvet crybabies

Velvet Revolver, made up of Slash, and other members of Guns N’ Roses, as well as infamous junkie Scott Weiland of STP fame, had all these weird requests of the BayFest folks. They wanted oxygen and a doctor placed backstage. Jesus, are they really that old? That makes me feel old.

And they also insisted every beverage sold at the festival be poured into a paper cup. And not just at the beverage booths around their stage, but throughout the entire festival. It seems they were scared people would throw cans and bottles at them.

You know, it never occurred to me to throw anything at Velvet Revolver until I had to stand in a 30-minute beer line because it took the poor festival workers so long to pour all the drinks in the cups. And it was all foamy, damnit! At that point, I wanted to throw bottles, rocks and Weiland’s used hypodermics at them.

Get over yourself divas!

“Shock”a Khan

Speaking of Divas, apparently, the biggest train wreck at BayFest was Chaka Khan.

I did not see her, but my spy said she got on stage and yelled “Hello Mississippi,” until a few songs later someone told her where she was and she came back and said “Hello Mobile, Alabama! I never know where I am.”

And apparently Chaka has gotten a little bigger than she used to be and this man right in front of the stage said something to the effect of “What has happened to Chaka? Where’s Chaka?”

She heard him and called him out. She said, “Chaka’s right here. You need glasses or bifocals or something?”

They continued to argue until she had him escorted out of the festival. The guy was so pissed he kept yelling at the cops until they arrested him.

Also, apparently one of her “baby daddies” was there and she started to sing a song, but couldn’t remember the name of it, so she turned to him and said “Hey baby, what was that song I wrote when I left you.”

He answered, “Baby Girl.”

She said “Oh yeah, here’s ‘Baby Girl.’” Then she sang the song.

Another spy inside BayFest told me last time she was here she walked into the Riverview and announced, “Chaka’s Here!” and then threw spaghetti all over the walls of her hotel room.

This year she asked for all kinds of things for her room, including sandalwood candles and vinegar.

Barfing at BayFest

One BayFester told Boozie a particularly harrowing tale. Seems he was standing out at the Pepsi Stage watching Daughtry when a large, very intoxicated woman staggered toward him. As she began to pass him, she bent over and vomited all over his feet. Being blocks from running water, our soiled fest-goer had few options. He ponied up the $2.50 for some bottled water and tried to wash his feet off as best he could. Fortunately, he was wearing flip-flops, so the footwear damage was minimal. The unknown barfer staggered off into the crowd without so much as a “by your leave.”

Big and Rich Bunny

It seems Big and Rich had some special company backstage at their show on Sunday. The country stars welcomed what may have been a Playboy bunny. It was a “gorgeous girl with a diamond encrusted Playboy bunny pendant around her neck,” our spy reported. He said if she wasn’t a bunny, she was definitely an Atlanta or LA stripper. She arrived in a convertible Bentley, which was parked backstage.

I wonder if the Bunny is more into “Big” or “Rich?” Hmmmmm.

Wipe with the old Currents?

We hear there’s a bit of a tempest in a teapot (or maybe just a pot) at the Press-Register. Some folks there have told us management recently switched to a cheaper, less user-friendly toilet paper, and that has some employees a bit chafed. One even quipped that they can waste all that money on the failed Current publication, but can’t provide two-ply. What’s the publishing world coming to?

Ding, dong, the Current is dead!

Speaking of the P-R, their sad attempt to “put us out of business” in the form of a poor “arts and entertainment” publication Current failed much sooner than we anticipated. Last week, they published their final issue, and we finally got to see that Yoda was not actually the editor of their catastrophically boring publication. Although maybe if he had been it wouldn’t have been such a catastrophic failure. Is laughing now, I wonder who?

Our guess is it’s not “X.” Good riddance.

Fruit Loop corneas

The Fruit Loop spies reported that a part time deejay at B-Bob’s had a big party weekend a few weeks ago and left his contacts in. When he took one of them out, part of his cornea came out with it. After some treatment, they eventually had to remove his eye. Yikes! And all the money that was taken up at the door last weekend was used to help pay for his surgery. This should be a cautionary tale to all you contact lense wearers. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Sweaty Nodar

WKRG’s storm stud John Nodar was spotted in the Mellow Mushroom a few Saturdays ago, looking very sweaty. Our spy said, “He was with some other sweaty dudes. They looked like they had been doing something manly.”

Well, kids, that’s it. Thanks for a great BayFest. And just remember, whether rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or just some plain ol’ “Baby Girl” lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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