Mobile Magnified

Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness! I’ve been reporting from Mobile’s seedy underbelly for over five years now, and I have heard some pretty insane, nasty and scandalous stuff, but never have I heard a tale like the one you are about to digest. I apologize in advance for the graphic nature of the first blurb.

Velvet Revolver doo doo-in’ it old school

Someone told me last week they heard Velvet Revolver asked the BayFest folks to provide them with three blenders backstage. Maybe because Slash likes a nice pina coloda, but apparently this was not the case. According to this spy, the catering people found, um, poo, in each of the blenders after their Friday night performance.

This just couldn’t be true. Who in their right mind would drop their kids off in a small household appliance?

But over the course of the next few days, the story began to nag at me because it was just so odd. How could anyone make this kind of crap up (quite literally)?

So I contacted a BayFest official to see whether this was fecal fact or fecal fiction.

I am very sad to report it is fact, my friends. My spy confirmed, “it was only one blender,” but there was poo found in it.

What is wrong with these people? Seriously.

First, they wouldn’t allow the festival to sell any canned drinks, only ones poured into plastic cups because they were scared people would throw the cans at them, which made the beer lines miserably long. Now, this, which makes me want to throw cans, bottles and Immodium at them!

Didn’t anyone ever tell these guys you don’t poo where you eat (or in this case, drink)? Har har.

I just don’t even know what else to say about this. Except eeeeewwwwww!

Save a tip, Rip off a bartender

In other leftover BayFest news, John Rich of Big and Rich apparently rolled up in front of Grand Central in a convertible Bentley after their Sunday night performance.

He sat in with Eric Erdman and Dale Drinkard from The Ugli Stick, and I hear it got pretty wild. But my spy said, “John Rich is such a wiener.”

“He drank for free and didn’t tip, and he got mad at one of the security guards because he was letting ‘ugly’ girls talk to him. Guess only pretty ones were allowed to ask for a photograph. I wonder if he has looked in the mirror lately. Oh…. and guys weren’t allowed to approach him at all,” the spy reported.

Sounds like real wiener to me, too.

Ryan Adams at the Blind Mule

Speaking of rock stars, Ryan Adams played The Saenger Wednesday, Oct. 17, but not before stopping by The Blind Mule’s open mic night the night before. Apparently he knows local musician Greg Nobles, who was running it that night.

I’ve heard mixed reviews of the Saenger show. Some say the crowd was totally rude, and they deserved the insults and lectures Adams delivered. Others say he looked annoyed to be there and was a whiny, little prima dona baby. What’s funny is the latter reviews have come from the most avid Adams fans I know.

Adams scolded the audience and told them how they should appreciate his art and shouldn’t call out the names of (his own) songs because this wasn’t a bingo parlor. He went on to say something during one of his art diatribes about waiting for a “vaginal flower” (which he pronounced vag-eye-nal) to bloom or something like that.

My spy said he almost seemingly taunted the audience by taking longer than average breaks between the songs, during which people, of course, started calling out the names of his songs during the silence. Like I said, he doesn’t like that and delivered several sanctimonious sermons on the subject, but clearly many were fed up with him.

“I love Ryan Adams, but I was so tired of him I wanted to yell out ‘Summer of ‘69’ just because I knew it would piss him off, but I didn’t,” one fan confessed.

Obviously, others couldn’t resist the temptation. Though I heard no reports of Brian Adams requests, someone yelled out, “Play Vaginal Flower,” prompting a roar of laughter from the audience.

Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, (shaking my head side to side), you claim to be a Southern boy, but those sound like NYC or LA shenanigans to me. The best artists are able to engage the audience, not antagonize them. It’s not like anyone was screaming “Sweet Home Alabama” or “Roll Tide” (which sadly I have witnessed).

Despite all of that, no one can deny how truly talented he is, and the guys at The Saenger and Huka Entertainmen tare awesome for bringing that level of talent to the Port City.

And hey, at least he didn’t poop in a blender.

William Carroll’s cream caper

City councilman William Carroll’s house was burglarized a few weeks ago and a few of the councilor’s favorite things were taken – including two gallons of ice cream. The Blue Bell bandits were apprehended (apparently it was two 15-year-old girls), but no word on if the ice cream was returned to its rightful owner.

Well, kids, again, I apologize for all this nastiness. I don’t make the facts up; I just report them. With Arts! Alive and Greek Fest coming up, I expect you to be on your worst behavior. Well, as long as it doesn’t involve a blender. And just remember rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or just some plain ol’ vaginal flower lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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