By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

One of the things that is a real downer about this column-writing gig is the constant negativity. Let’s be honest, you don’t really want to read a column about the wonderful things happening in our community or in my personal life. For instance, if I prattled on about the great new flea shampoo I’ve been using on my nearly blind rat terrier Beauweevil, you’d probably just turn on over to find out if Sean Sullivan is writing about Bigfoot or Britney Spears again. (Apparently they’re dating. Bigfoot and Britney, I mean. Not Sean and Bigfoot or Britney.)

By the same token, if I were praising Sam Jones’ well-trimmed beard or encouraging the school board to spend money having a statue of Judy Stout commissioned, you might be tempted to see if we run “Beetle Bailey.” (We don’t.) (We should.) (It’s hilarious.)

That’s why I enjoy this time of the year – Thanksgiving time. It gives me a chance to be thankful for the things that make this area so great and to bust out a hackneyed columnist’s mainstay each year. So if you’re looking for pithy, backhanded remarks, you’ve come to the wrong place.

Now, covered with gravy and giblets (whatever THOSE are), I offer you the things for which I am thankful this year:

• I’m thankful ALDOT made sure tons of mud got dumped into our drinking water supply because I’m glad it gives me the opportunity to simply drink beer in every fluid-gathering situation.

• I’m thankful ALDOT isn’t doing any work around my favorite brewery. I’d hate to drink beer that’s full of mud.

• I’m thankful the same idiots who dumped mud into our drinking water are in charge of building a giant bridge over the Mobile River that supposedly won’t damage downtown’s resurgence.

• I’m thankful I’ve never had to appear before Judge Herman Thomas, particularly in his secret “spanking room” in Government Plaza.

• I’m thankful I’m not the guy who had to swab for judge DNA in that nasty little sex room Herman had in Government Plaza. Man, talk about putting you off your fig pudding on Turkey Day. Yuck!

• I’m thankful that for the next year or so, I can give myself a chuckle by using the terms “Judge Thomas” and “hard time” in the same sentence.

• I’m thankful Fleet Belle was elected president of the Mobile County School Board so more of his relatives can get meaningful work in the system.

• I’m thankful the school board has moved out to a Koreshian compound where they have plenty of room to do whatever it is they do. What exactly IS it that they do, by the way?

• Thankfully, Mayor Sam Jones and the City Council have placed hundreds of garbage cans in places where they can only be hit by people hurling trash while driving 50 mph.

• Thankfully this garbage can placement will improve the aim of the average Mobile litterbug, who will still throw trash in the streets.

• I’m thankful the garbage cans bear both Jones’ name and the name of that district’s councilperson, just in case I’m ever hurling trash at 50 mph and need to see a politician’s name.

• I’m thankful Troy King has decided to actively pursue the record for ineptitude and personal malfeasance by an Alabama Attorney General. I think he’s got the goods to make the record his own.

• I’m thankful Troy King is getting hundreds of sexual devices sent to his office in protest of this state’s idiotic efforts to police people’s bedroom behavior. I hope someone’s keeping track of them to make sure Troy doesn’t “accidentally” take one home.

• I’m thankful Thyssen Krupp has broken ground. Can’t wait for those deutschmarks to start revving up the local economy again.

• I’m thankful I’m not a sports radio host in this college football-crazy town. It would be hard to sleep at night worrying about who I might offend the next day.

• I’m thankful I don’t have to deal with the amount of scrutiny Nick Saban and Tommy Tubberville face on a weekly basis. Still, with their money, they can afford a lot of antacids.

• I’m thankful we’ve still got a good shot at the Northrop/EADS tanker being built here. It would be pretty awesome to have both “The Krump,” as some of our elected officials call it, making steel and Northrop building jets here in our city. It would be even better if they like buying lots of ads in local independent newspapers.

• I’m thankful that with gas at $3 a gallon, I opted not to buy that Sherman Tank I was considering.

• I’m thankful the people who predict how many hurricanes we’re going to have each year are completely without a clue. If they knew what they were talking about, we’d all have to move to Kansas.

• I’m thankful Hurricane Season is over so I don’t have to listen to any more ridiculously breathless reports from TV weather people about “cones of uncertainty.”

• I’m thankful the indictments against Barry Bonds may eventually mean his ill-gotten homerun record will be stripped from the record books and the classy and naturally talented Mobile native Hank Aaron will have his name put back atop the list.

And finally, with Thanksgiving here, I’m thankful for loose-fit jeans so I don’t have to unbuckle my belt at the table this year.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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