By Ashley Toland Editor

Using my unequaled burglary skills, I recently broke into Government Plaza and managed to steal a peek at the city council’s list of things they are thankful for this year. It went something like this:

Fred Richardson – District One

I, Frederick D. Richardson, am thankful for the Springhill Avenue Waffle House (AKA City Hall West), where I spend many a night. I am thankful for their hash browns—scattered, smothered and covered, brother. I am also thankful for the city’s Adam Buck who takes pictures of people who are being recognized at our meetings for very important things like “Indoor Cooling Week,” “Life Insurance Awareness Day” and “Fingernail Wart Prevention and Removal Year.”

I am more thankful for the “world wide web,” where Adam posts these pictures “for the whole wide world” to see. I am thankful for the Michael C. Dow Amphitheater, but not as much as I used to be. But mostly I am thankful for the 44 open ditches I have in Trinity Gardens because I would not know what I would complain about if I didn’t have them.

William Carroll – District Two

I, William Carroll, am thankful for Thomas Sullivan, who did such an abysmally bad job I was easily able to take it from him. I am thankful for the bulldozers and wrecking balls that are systemically tearing down every abandoned crack house in District Two. I am thankful for my exceptional vocal chords, which allow me to speak very loudly at every meeting.

I am thankful for John Williams and Connie Hudson, who I love to pick on. I am thankful for purple shirts, orange ties, blue tooth-s and yellow horseshoes. Finally, I am thankful for Blue Bell Ice Cream, and I pray no one breaks into my house ever again and steals my precious Rocky Road.

Clinton Johnson – District Three

I, Clinton Johnson, am thankful for words ending in “-tion.” I am thankful for my back pillow and my bitchin’ hats and suits. I am thankful to my fellow council members and the Press-Register’s Jeff Amy for attending the pre-council meetings that Ashley and I never to go to – suckers! I am thankful for the third person, in which I like to speak in, especially while insulting people. And finally I am thankful for council newbie John Williams, who has breathed new life back into the council and whose vision I absolutely admire and respect.

John Williams – District Four

I, John Williams, am thankful for Ben Brooks, who vacated his seat for the state senate, which gave me the opportunity to run for this spot and win, which has given me something to do. I am thankful for 311, which keeps me from having to talk to a lot of the idiots in District Four.

I am not thankful for the people in my district who come down to complain about problems, especially if they have not called Mobile 311. I am thankful for Connie, my only council ally, though I still thinks she misses Ben. I am thankful for the military, which I like to recognize on a routine basis, so much so Ashley is considering calling me G.I. John. I am thankful for people who don’t leave meetings until the end. And I am thankful for Clinton Johnson. The knowledge he has gained on this council over the last 18 years, which he reminds me of quite often, makes me so happy. I am so thankful he chooses to impart it to me.

Reggie Copeland – District Five

I, Reggie Copeland, president of the Mobile City Council, am grateful for my gavel because if I didn’t have it to bang sometimes, some of these turkeys would never shut up. I am thankful for my tennis center, indoor tennis courts, tennis tournaments, tennis nets and tennis balls. I am thankful for the Azalea City golf course, Magnolia Grove golf course, golf carts and golf balls.

I am thankful for the GMAC Bowl, Senior Bowl, Gulf Coast Classic and footballs. Basically if it involves balls, I like it. Sometimes I wish I could throw said balls at the council, especially when they won’t shut up and it’s nearing lunchtime. But they usually keep on talking, even when I bang my gavel. That I don’t like.

Connie Hudson – District Six

I, Connie Hudson, am thankful for the West Mobile Senior Center. Yep, that’s about it.

Gina Gregory – District Seven

I, Gina Gregory, am thankful for the announcement portion of the city council meetings, which I always utilize. I am thankful for all of my new constituents in Mobile Terrace who recently joined the city in annexation. You better vote for me, bitches. But most of all, I am thankful for my fellow councilors for voting to give me all their money so I could renovate Hillsdale – suckers!

Collective

We, the city council, are, of course, all thankful for ThyssenKrupp, which is the answer to every single problem we have, though some of us are still calling it Thyssen KRUMP – we are so NOT grateful for that.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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