The phone was ringing. I picked it up and a female voice on the other end queried, “Mr. Glessner ?” I shrugged – close enough. She had a slight accent. Prague perhaps or Bangor, Maine. But what do I know from accents.
“Yes,” I replied, figuring this was going to be a pitch for a Medicare supplement or homeopathic prostate pills – got a lot of those lately. But I figured wrong.
“I have written a dissertation on homeowners’ associations and need reviewers familiar with them. I found your name on an internet list of HOA officers and hope you’ll agree to help me.” Her voice trailed off. I thought, the accent – maybe The Bronx or perhaps Oslo… “You will help me won’t you?”
Relieved that I wouldn’t have to discuss insurance, bodily functions or Indo-European languages, I replied brightly, “OK,” and my mystery woman hung up.
I never really expected anything to come of this, so a week later when UPS dropped off a bulky package from a Victoria Brest-Litovsk, I was suspicious. I slipped it to Gracie, my amateur bomb-sniffing rat terrier. No response, so I opened it and found – you guessed it – a dissertation on homeowners’ associations, but with a twist: “Historical Similarities: The Nazi Party and Home Owners’ Associations.”
Written by good old (or young) Victoria for a Doctorate in Totalitarian Political Studies: Huh – Hitler and HOAs? Silly stuff; but I decided to go along with what had to be a joke and read at least the summary of findings.
Seemed that Vikki could identify similarities between the German people’s welcoming a government led by Hitler in the ‘30s and Americans choosing to live under the control of homeowners’ associations some 70 years later.
But there were some 500 more pages. If a joke, it was a really elaborate one. Impressed if not convinced, I read on.
After about a hundred pages, I could see a few minor similarities. I mean, both the Germans and the HOA members gave up freedom to be assured of orderliness and a predictable environment in which to live. And sure, some associations restrict political speech (No campaign signs, but violations result in the disappearance of signs – not people). Both organizations allowed special privileges for the leadership and the faithful (How come some residents’ violations get picked up in a flash, while others always manage to fly under the radar?). Compliance with directives is enforced by harsh punishment of dissidents and rule-breakers (Substantial fines and threats of liens for even minor violations). Consolidation of leadership power through appointments, bypassing voting (Hey, HOA dweller, how many of your board members actually were elected by the property owners?). Enforcing one standard of taste for all (Hitler banned “degenerate art” while the HOAs restrict architectural and stylistic diversity).
Oppressive? I wasn’t sold. But if it were oppressive, both groups (Germans and HOA residents) voluntarily picked their oppressors. And as Miss Vicki neatly noted, they both could identify the benefits of having turned control over to others. After all, the Fascists made the trains run on time and HOA boards keep things neat and orderly (but at what cost?).
Maybe she had a point, but it sure was a jumbled and uninteresting presentation – at least until I came to the Schnauzermann of Dusseldorf. Here was a character – some color. This guy was a rabid Nazi who, in the mid-1930s, traveled around the city observing and reporting violations against the state. His cover was taking his miniature schnauzer for a walk. Clever, but people soon caught on to him and sales of schnauzers dropped 90 percent.
At this point I was interrupted by Ms. Brest-Litovsk. “Follow-up call,” she announced. “Tell me how much you loved it.”
“How much I loved it – I hated it.” Adding that if she put in a neo-Fascist dance number, Mel Brooks might buy it as the book for “Producers 2: Springtime for Homeowners’ Associations.” Maybe funny, but not credible research.
“You’ve sent me a list of methods of oppression and persecution used by Adolf and his gang. Then tenuously tied them to what goes on in HOA’s all over the US.
“And your point?”
“My point is that that HOAs aren’t little Nazi cells scattered all over the place.”
“You’re so sure,” She replied. “But you know, if it goosesteps and ‘Sieg Heils’ it’s probably a Nazi.”
“Come on – you’re being paranoid. Nobody’s going to stage a torch-lit rally in the common area. At least not without requesting permission from the Association’s board, 36 hours in advance, with the guarantee that any damage by the marching units will…..”
“Stop,” she shouted, “Stop – don’t you see. You’ve been seduced by the promise of a nice neighborhood, but it’s in exchange for your freedom, your rights as an American….”
She suddenly burst into song with a rousing version of “God Bless America,” effectively ending the conversation. As I hung up, I thought, “Even with that funny accent, she does she does a pretty good Kate Smith.”
Since then I’ve tried to erase all this from my memory – just a misdirected effort by someone better at Irving Berlin than academic research. But when I looked out the front window a little while ago and saw a small dog being walked, I couldn’t suppress a shiver and the thought: “Schnauzermann, Dusseldorf, 1936.”
(Editor’s note: This column is fictional. Similarity to any events, individuals or organizations is strictly coincidental. After all Hitlerian Homeowners’ Associations. It’s just silly. Right? “Jawohl, mein Fuehrer. Oops, I mean, “Right, Rob.’”)
Contact Pete Gleszer at jubilee@lagniappemobile.com.
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