By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

It dawned on me the other day why Ron Popeil – magnate of that clearing house for awful products, Ronco – created the Popeil Pocket Fisherman. He was trying to create a gift for his dad.

As I’ve now hit the big 40, I realize how hard it is becoming to even tell loved ones about anything I might want for Christmas. Frankly, if it’s something I really wanted and could afford, I buy it. Otherwise it’s out of my league financially or something I think will just sit on a shelf somewhere.

That’s what made me think about the Pocket Fisherman. Who really would ever want a fishing rod that folds up? It’s really quite useless, but it SOUNDS like something that a dad might want, especially if you’re scurrying around the store on Christmas Eve.

“Dad has pockets. He likes to fish. Bingo!” you might say to yourself, realizing the gift will probably go straight to the garage right next to the singing bass you got him last year.

Face it, buying a Christmas gift for a man over the age of 35 isn’t much fun. Most of us have everything we need and no one could afford the things we really want. It would be nice to have a 40-foot yacht under the tree, but that’s probably not happening.

Every year around this time my wife starts asking what I want, and I truly can’t think of anything we could afford. Cool cars, boats, trips to other countries and cosmetic surgeries all cost big bucks. That’s why I usually just fall back on asking for clothes or McDonald’s gift certificates. That McRib is a really a damn tasty sandwich. And it’s boneless!

Being in the position now of being somewhat difficult to buy for gives me new empathy for my father, who has been enduring crappy gifts for over 30 years. For the past several years, we’ve just fallen into the rut of buying him new fishing equipment on his birthdays or during Christmas. Often we have to go over to his house and actively tear up the old fishing gear so he’ll need new stuff before Christmas. Nothing like getting a crab pot or cast net for every major holiday.

The danger of being more mature is that if you show casual interest in anything, there’s a chance someone will pounce and that’s what you’ll be getting from then on. For instance, I think I saw my father reading the Bible once when I was younger. So naturally for many years, all I bought him was religious books. This ended when I accidentally bought him “Dianetics,” the L. Ron Hubbard tome that started Scientology. I still remember the “are-you-a-complete-idiot?” I got when he opened that present on Baby Jesus’ birthday.

If you need an example of how pervasive the problem of buying for an older man is, you need look no further than the Internet. Come to think of it, if you need an example of someone having sexual relations with a donkey, you need look no further than the Internet, but those two things really aren’t related.

Just Googling “gifts for dad” produced some very disappointing results and let me in on what I’m in for when Ulysses and Ursula are old enough to purchase gifts for me. One site I visited offered the following gift ideas:

1. Collectible Stadium Miniatures – Basically scale models of a favorite sports arena. Sounds totally boring. Maybe Dad could imagine tiny games happening inside.

2. Executive Punching Bag – “Some dads deal with stress by getting angry and violent. If your dad is one of those, consider an Executive Punching Bag,” the ad read. Hmmm? Maybe your “angry and violent” dad might like some therapy instead of something to hone his right hook.

3. Executive Sand Box – A sand box for a grown man. The perfect gift for someone who likes having a place cats will congregate for all the wrong reasons.

4. Multi Tool Pen – “A writing pen that includes two screwdrivers, a knife blade and tweezers in the barrel of the pen.” Wow, I can’t think of how many times I’ve needed a screwdriver and tweezers while writing. Really, I can’t.

5. Make Your Own Opoly – A chance to customize your Monopoly game. I’m sure having the properties named after familiar places really makes the game less dreadfully boring.

6. Talking Pedometer – “This pedometer not only keeps track of distances, but it will tell you out loud how far you have gone. It also plays seven electronic melodies to help dad stay on pace with his walking.” Sounds like a really crappy Third World iPod.

7. Pro Thumb Wrestling Ring – “Did you ever do thumb wars with your dad? Then he will love the Thumb Wrestling Ring. This is a little device that fits over the hands of the thumb wrestlers to make thumb wrestling even more realistic and exciting.” Aside from wondering how putting something over one’s thumb makes the thumb wrestling more “realistic,” I can only wonder how strange someone’s dad would have to be to want his own thumb-wrestling ring.

8. The Small Ecosphere – “Inside each EcoSphere are active microorganisms, bright red shrimp and algae; all in filtered seawater.” Dad, you gave me life, I give you algae. We’re even.

9. Talking Road Whiz – “Have a ‘directionally challenged’ father? Does he hate to ask directions? Then the Talking Road Whiz is the perfect gift. This device has over 125,000 routes in the United States and helps your dad find directions as well as services like food, gasoline and more along the way. A fun gift for the traveling man.” Trust me, if your mom is still along for the ride, Dad doesn’t need something else telling him where to go. He’s already got a Nag-a-vator.

After reading over all that, the Pocket Fisherman isn’t looking all that bad.

Merry Christmas everyone, and thanks for reading Lagniappe over the past year.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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