By Ashley Toland Editor

The following is the transcript from Fred Richardson’s First Falling New Year’s Eve Moonpie Committee Meeting, which consists of the mayor, area leaders and elected officials.

Fred: Well, we have come here today because as you know, I have a dream…a dream that next New Year’s Eve Mobile’s little white kids and little black kids can stand on the streets of Mobile, hand in hand, under a giant half-chocolate and half-banana moonpie and wait to be showered in its deliciousness. And then, Mobile, will forever be known as the Moonpie City. Or maybe the Big Moonpie. Which one do ya’ll like better?

Sam Jones: I don’t know, Fred. And moonpies aren’t even made here.

Fred: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, Mayor, but we throw them at our Mardi Gras parades.

Sam Jones: Yeah but we also throw beads, doubloons and nasty little panties. Why don’t we just lower a big pair of panties?

Steve Nodine: I don’t know about ya’ll but I try to lower panties as often as I can, Har har har har har. (laughter that sounds like a baby seal is being clubbed to death).

Fred: Hee hee hee. I hear ya brother, but we just have to be The Moonpie City. See what we are going to do is The Chattanooga Bakery is going to bake the largest half-chocolate, half-vanilla moonpie and ….

Head of the local NAACP: Wait, wait, wait a minute, Fred. Don’t you think it sends out the wrong message to have a segregated moonpie. We have fought too long and too hard to go back to such? Perhaps they could do an interflavor pie?

Gina Gregory: I agree. We don’t want to send out the wrong message. How about a swirl?

Fred: Yeah, I like that. But I don’t know if they can do a swirl moonpie, but we’ll see. But anyway, we will hurl it off the RSA Tower.

David Bronner: What the Fuh-?

Fred (interrupting): Yes, David, like one of Gallagher’s watermelons.

Sam Jones: Fred, we can’t do that. It’s too much of a safety hazard. What if someone gets hit in the head with a big block of cake? Or worse yet, smothered in marshmallow?

Fred: No, no, no, no. You see, we would block the streets off.

Sam Jones: Well, first of all, what if a strong wind pushes the pie onto the crowd? Second of all, it’s just stupid and I can’t believe I’m having to contemplate the logistics of hurling some sort of dessert off the top of one of our buildings. Don’t we have something better to do?

Connie Hudson: Yes, Mayor, I have plenty of projects in District Six.

Sam Jones: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Connie. Anyway, after it falls, are people supposed to just go scrape the pie off the street?

Fred: Well, I already have thought of that. If we’re going to do a communal moonpie, we can either have a local potter make a gigantic bowl or plate for the pie to fall in, which we could sanitize. Or we could just get the street sweeper to make a run down Water or Royal, whichever we decide, and that should probably be clean enough.

Barbara Drummond: I’m not eating a moonpie off the ground, Fred. Give me some of what you’ve been smoking. We were thinking maybe a nice lighted crystal ball or something like they have in Times Square.

Fred: NO! (changing the words to “Bubba Likes Moonpie”) Fred Likes Moonpie, Moonpie, Moonpie! And I also want fireworks shooting out of it.

SJ: Fred, you can’t have fireworks shooting out of a moonpie! It will melt. People could be seriously burned by falling drips of marshmallow. Remember what happened after The Ghostbusters blew up the Sta-Puff Marshmallow man? It would cause hysteria.

Fred: Fine, what if we lower a giant moonpie pinata off the top of the RSA Tower?

David Bronner: What the fuh-?

Fred (interrupting): Yes, David. We will lower a giant papier mache piņata and it will be full of thousands and thousands of individually wrapped moonpies. And fireworks will shoot out of it as we lower it.

Fire Marshall: No. It will turn into a giant fireball and could catch the building on fire.

David Bronner: What the Fuh-?

Fred (interrupting): No, no, no, David. Ok, no fireworks shooting out of it. We will just lower the piņata and then everyone can beat it open when it gets to the ground.

Chief of Police Garrett: No. We will have a riot situation on our hands. You know how people fight over moonpies at Mardi Gras, and they’re not usually armed with sticks.

Fred: Well, fine. Somehow, it will just magically open and shower everyone with the little moonpies.

Sam Jones: Well how are they going to make this “magically” happen?

Fred: Brother, if they can send a man to the moon, they can send a moonpie to the man.

Sam Jones: So you have no idea?

FR: Well, not yet, but I’m working on it.

Nodine: Well I guess that settles it. We’ll just have to lower the panties. Har har har (laughter like a seagull choking on a latex glove)

David Bronner: What the fuh-?

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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