By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Like every other chump columnist in the world, and probably even several in this very paper, the beginning of the year offers a prime opportunity to slap on the swami’s turban and to peer into the future. Given the fact my swami huka has been loaded with heavy-duty future-peering herbs for the holiday season, I am particularly ready for this job.

So let’s look forward at what the Chinese calendar labels unappealingly “The Year of the Rat” – 2008 – and some things I believe will take place in our humble burg.

• Officials using advanced forensic equipment will discover not only more semen in former Circuit Court Judge Herman Thomas’ secret “spanking office,” but also evidence of flowers, nice dinners and movie tickets. Keep in mind, these are highly advanced pieces of forensic equipment.

• ThyssenKrupp will begin constructing its new multi-billon-dollar steel factory, while at the same time a multi-thousand-dollar breakfast-beer-and-condom stand also begins construction outside the plant’s gates.

• New Mobile County School Superintendent Roy Nichols shows up for his first day of work at the vast Branch Davidian Compound/Central Office off of Schillinger Road, has his first meeting with the school board and immediately realizes he should have asked for more money. After all, he’s worth it.

• Another true Peanut Man will finally rise to prominence at The Loop, and he will banish the other false Peanut Dudes and Chicks to wander the minor thoroughfares of the city to peddle their inferior grade of nuts.

• The Northrop-Grumman/EADS partnership will win a share of the new Air Force refueling tanker contract, prompting the entire local Chamber of Commerce to strip naked and run to Bienville Square to frolic in the fountain. Unfortunately, the fountain will be closed for repairs and they will instead be forced to frolic naked in the nearby brewpub. But frolic they will.

• Fugitive outdoorsman and sometime fugitive Fat Eddie Smith will manage to get released from jail by rubbing his infected foot on jailers and cellmates alike. Upon his release, Smith will chew off his monitoring device and again go on the lam. This time he will be caught at a local Arby’s after a seven-day eating binge.

• The city’s woefully inept garbage collection department will actually manage to go three weeks in a row without just driving blithely by my full garbage can and leaving my family or business swimming in trash. (This prediction is probably a complete fantasy given the pitiful performance usually exhibited by the city’s garbage collection team. Hell, I’d be happy if they only missed my house once a month. Still, that’s probably asking too much.) In another shocking development, someone from the garbage department will actually return one of my calls, as well. (I’m dreaming here, too. They’re too busy driving around town not picking up garbage to return a call.)

• Attorney General Troy King will file indictments against everyone who ever irritated him personally in elementary school, including the fat kid who sat behind him and wiped boogers on Troy’s cashmere sweaters.

• King will also use his position to make life hell for Montgomery fast food worker Bucky Johnson who inadvertently left the refried beans off the AG’s Nachos Bellgrande one evening, proving once again that you’d better not mess with Troy.

• Mayor Sam Jones will adopt an outgoing new personality, complete with flashy metallic suits and a new nickname – “The Saminizer.” His approval rating will move even higher.

• Despite his popularity, Jones’ bid to create a Mardi Gras Park downtown will fail when County Commissioner Steve Nodine’s idea for a “Girls Gone Wild Park” in the same location captures the imagination of the entire city.

• Wal-Mart will announce plans for at least 12 more stores inside local municipalities. Most will be known as Wal-Mart Super Duper Stores, which include hospitals, bakeries, DMV offices, gynecologist offices, plastic surgery centers, elementary schools, nuclear power plants, veterinary clinics, clown colleges and space exploration divisions, in addition to offering great prices on soap, motor oil and pork rinds.

• Local and national meteorologists alike will go completely berserk predicting the worst Hurricane Season since 2005, and urging everyone to stay tuned to their televisions every second of the day. (OK, this is without doubt the lamest and easiest prediction, as it happens every single year. The real surprise would be if it didn’t happen.)

• Condo prices at the Gulf will continue to fall to the point where someone actually gives the deed to their condo to a Flora-Bama waitress as a tip.

• Runoff on the Highway 98 project will finally cease when all of the dirt in the western part of the county finishes draining into Big Creek Lake and its tributaries. ALDOT officials will then declare efforts to stop the runoff a complete success. Mobilians will come to love the taste of sediment in their drinking water, and everyone will be happy.

• School Board President Fleet Belle will finally manage to get his entire family on the school system’s payroll.

• City Councilman Fred “Moonpie” Richardson will fail in his bid to hurl a giant moonpie from the top of the RSA Tower and will instead have to settle for tossing a Little Debbie snackcake from the top of his car during New Year’s Eve 2009. He’ll still have a smile on his face.

• Lagniappe will start 2009 – the Year of the Ox – with yet another lame series of predictions for the coming year.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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