By Ashley Toland Editor

After watching “Ghost,” “A Christmas Carol” and “It’s a Wonderful Life,” over the holidays, Whoopi Goldberg, the Ghost of Christmas Future, and an angel named Clarence came to me in a dream to give me a glimpse of what’s in store for Mobile in 2008. I was very afraid. Hey,Whoopi scares me. But she’s not as scary as Mobile’s future, though it was pretty close.

So here’s what’s in store for the mayor, his staff and the city council over the next year. Be afraid; be very afraid!

Mayor Jones and Staff

Everyone continues to point to ThyssenKrupp as Mobile’s salvation.

Mayor Jones will breathe new life into the “Love Thy Neighbor” campaign by changing it to the “Love Thy Neighbor’s Ass Campaign.” He will appoint Herman Thomas to chair the spanking committee.

We will finally get a second cruise ship but people refuse to travel on it after Carnival foolishly names it the S.S. Minnow.

City attorney Larry Wettermark will take a position as the city attorney for the tiny town of Faunsdale, Ala., citing his fascination with their annual “Footwash Festival” as his primary reason for taking the position

We will learn that city council attorney Jim “J-Ro” Rossler is actually the father of J-Lo’s twins. They will simply go by RoLo and LoRo.

In order to reach a new demographic, Bobby Bostwick will start a new music festival in conjunction with BayFest, called GayFest. The Village People, Melissa Etheridge and former Senators Larry Craig and Trent Lott’s congressional barbershop quartet will headline.

Fred Richardson

Fred will campaign throughout the year for his 2008 New Year’s Eve Moonpie Drop by tossing the confections off of the top of every building in town. He will take a beating by the press after he inadvertently drops pies off the Weight Watchers building on Dauphin and I-65 and the Downtown Waterfront Rescue Mission, inciting riots. He will be institutionalized once it is discovered he commissioned a special garment, which would allow him to “drop” the pies out of his pants.

William Carroll

William Carroll will be ordered to attend anger management classes after he badgers every person who addresses the council in 2008. The president of Lamar Advertising will flash pictures of his graduation from this program on each of his digital billboards.

Clinton Johnson

Clinton Johnson decides to become a hat model and resigns his post in March. He changes his name to Helmet Johnson and moves to New York City, where he wins the 2008 edition of “America’s Next Top Model.”

John Williams

John Williams calls Mobile 311 to complain about his constituents who call him to complain to him about something before they call Mobile 311. They give him a claim number and eventually said constituents are killed in 2010.

Reggie Copeland

Reggie Copeland will be arrested after he severely beats William Carroll, Fred Richardson and Clinton Johnson with his gavel because they won’t shut the hell up.

Connie Hudson

Connie Hudson will rob several local banks after Mayor Jones tells her she will be the only councilor who will not get any money for capital improvements in her district. She uses flour tortillas to cover her face and becomes known as the “Burrito Bandit.” Authorities apprehend her by following a trial of “fire sauce” to a secret room in the West Mobile Senior Center.

Gina Gregory

Gina Gregory is sadly eaten by what will become known as the Langan Loch Ness monster, a creature who inhabits the scary, non-dredged, murky, spooky, dangerous “waters” at Langan Municipal Park.

Ashley Toland

Ashley Toland will share a room with Fred Richardson at Searcy Hospital after she is diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder. It seems after covering the council for over five years, she began taking on the personalities of each of the councilors.

After suffering a “Connie” episode, where she keeps asking the hospital administration for more information on its budget, she begins banging her head violently against a wall and convinces Fred to carve “fiduciary responsibility” on her back. She is subsequently put in a padded room.

On New Year’s Eve, Fred breaks her out of solitary and the two escape to the roof of Searcy where Fred has arranged the Chattanooga Bakery to place the world’s largest moonpie and a butt load of fireworks. The two countdown the New Year and toss the pie and fireworks off the roof of the Mount Vernon mental institution. But a strong wind blows just as the fireworks began to explode, pushing the sparks slightly north, igniting a huge fire at the nearby ThyssenKrupp plant. It is leveled and the Dusseldorf officials decide to rebuild in Louisiana.

Mobile ceases to exist.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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