By Ashley Toland Editor

On Wednesday, Jan. 30, most Mobilians will head to the polls to vote in the presidential primary. This puts us just a few days after South Carolina, one day after Florida and right before Super Tuesday (known as Fat Tuesday around these parts). And since we can’t be bothered to vote when the good times are rolling this means we get to vote before just about every one else in the country – including our fellow Alabamians.

With this in mind, I am convinced all of the candidates will visit the Port City along with Tim Russert, host of “Meet the Press.” I mean, they will already all be in Florida, so why not? It’s the only election action going on the country that day.

So anyway, I am so convinced I am having dreams about it. Very erotic, steamy dreams, well something kind of like that – I love me some Tim Russert. But the one I can tell you about went something like this:

Tim Russert (“Meet the Press” intro): Good morning. One day after Florida and five days before Super Tuesday, residents of Alabama’s second largest county will head to the polls to choose their candidates for president. Why? Well, as they say down here, laissez les bon temps rouler – let the good times roll. That’s right the good times will be rolling.

And while everyone else in Alabama, California, New York and others are deciding between Hillary and Obama, McCain and Huckabee, Mobilians will be catching beads, moonpies and God knows what else as the Comic Cowboys roll down the streets of downtown. They don’t let a little thing like choosing the next president get in the way of their good time.

Today I am joined by Alabama Gov. Bob Riley, Mobile Mayor Sam Jones, City Councilman Fred Richardson and County Commissioner Stephen Nodine to discuss this early voting day controversy. Welcome gentlemen.

Nodine: Thanks, Tim. Vote Romney!

Tim Russert: We will get to your endorsements a little later, Mr. Nodine. But first I want to ask the governor – why schedule the Alabama primary for Feb. 5, knowing Mobile and Baldwin counties would be in the middle of Mardi Gras madness?

Bob Riley: Well, Tim, you know I prayed a good bit about this – almost as hard as I prayed for rain in the drought and certainly harder than Georgia’s governor prayed for rain in their drought, but in the end, God told me we need to have our primary on Feb. 5 because it would bring more attention to our state. And, quite frankly, Tim, I had hoped Mobilians would have the self-control to be able to vote before they got all liquored up down at the Mardi Gras.

Tim Russert: Governor, with all of the other states and bigger states, like New York and California, moving their primaries to Feb. 5 do you still think it garnered the state the attention you had hoped for?

Bob Riley: Well, I guess it’s arguable, Tim. I mean Rudy Giuliani did eat eggs and drink Tropicana orange juice at a house in WeMo. Do you really think he would have eaten eggs in WeMo if the primary had been later? I don’t think so. Doesn’t my hair look Reagan-esque, Tim?

Tim Russert: I guess a little, Governor. Mayor Jones, Gov. Riley says he had hoped your citizens would have the self-control to be able to vote and still participate in the Mardi Gras festivities – why do you think they don’t?

Sam Jones: Well, Tim, the decision to move our primary to the 30th really doesn’t have anything to do with the self-control of our citizens. True, many of them will be drunk from the Crewe parade on Friday night right on through to the Order of Myths on Tuesday evening, but not all of our residents are alcoholics. I don’t know if you know this but not only is Mobile the birthplace of Mardi Gras …

Tim Russert: I’m sorry. I’m fairly certain New Orleans had the first Mardi Gras.

Fred Richardson: Russert, we will kill you, brother. Mobile is the Mother of the Mystics. Case closed.

Tim Russert: I’m sorry. You were saying, Mayor?

Sam Jones: Yes, Tim. We are the birthplace of Mardi Gras and also we are known as the family Mardi Gras. The decision to move the primary up had more to do with the logistics. All of the streets will be blocked off downtown and several polling locations are located around the parade route. Also, we tabulate the votes at Government Plaza, which is also on the parade route. It would have just been a nightmare. But people can still vote on Super Tuesday – there will be a single polling place at the Office of the Revenue Commissioner on Michael Boulevard at Azalea. So our residents will have ample opportunity to vote – most people are off on Fat Tuesday, so I really believe we will have record turnout.

Tim Russert: OK, we are about to be out of time, so I would like to talk endorsements. Commissioner Nodine, you have publicly endorsed Mitt Romney. The Romney camp even put a press release out about it. First of all, why do you think the Romney organization would take the time to put out a press release saying a commissioner from Mobile, Alabama, would be supporting him? Do you think anyone really cares about that? And secondly, why Romney?

Nodine: Of course, they care, Timmy. You’re talkin’ to the Hammer here. Everybody wants to know how the Hammer votes. I think Romney has fantastic, Reagan-esque hair. Sorry, Bob. His is better than yours. I wish I had that much volume, Tim.

Tim Russert: Um, OK. Mayor Jones, it is no secret you’re a Democrat, who will you be supporting?

Sam Jones: Well, Tim, I am still deliberating and trying to decide who will be the best man or woman for the job.

Tim Russert: So you’re not publicly supporting anyone?

Sam Jones: No, not at this time.

Tim Russert: I’d like to play a recording of your speeches from the Ashbury Suites and later at Rascals Bar the night you were elected the first African American mayor of Mobile.

(Plays recording)

Tim Russert: Mayor, during both of these speeches you referenced the historical significance of being elected the city’s first black mayor, do you not think the country’s ready for its first black president with Barack Obama?

Sam Jones: I didn’t say that, Tim. I just think this is a very complicated process and there are many factors involved, and I am not going to make a decision based on race or emotion alone.

Tim Russert: Councilman Richardson, you have said you were going to endorse Hillary Clinton. Do you still plan to do that?

Fred Richardson: Oh yes, Tim. I love the Clintons. Bill and Hillary.

Nodine: Oh give me a break. Maybe you can be Hillary’s intern, Fred. (Seagull choking on latex laugh).

Fred Richardson: Nodine, bite me.

Tim Russert: Gov. Riley, you are a Republican, who do you like?

Bob Riley: I’m still praying about it, Tim. Really, anyone who would ask me to be vice-president would be fine. Thanks. Do you have a comb?

Tim Russert: I’m sorry, Governor. I do not. But, there you have it. Please stay tuned to NBC for exit poll results. And remember if it’s Sunday; it’s “Meet the Press.”

Nodine: Vote Romney!

Fred Richardson: No, Hillary!

Nodine: Romney!

Fred Richardson: Hillary!

(Music fades, credits roll.)

Mobile and Baldwin county residents have the option to vote on Jan. 30 or Feb. 5, though they will not be counted until Feb. 5. For more information, please visit www.earlyvotingday.com.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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