By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

“I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my Ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

There it is right there, our wise forefathers put the job description of president in plain American English. The responsibility of the President of the U.S. is to the Constitution not to special interest groups, nor the “greater good” of the citizenry, nor his or her plan for making America great. Wow, that concept has been lost in this election! The current clutch of executive hopefuls is acting more like they are campaigning for jobs in the legislature than the presidency.

The Constitution is a cold, heartless document, as it should be. We human- Americans that adhere to the document are full of love and hate, charity and greed and peace and war, but the Constitution protects us from each other and the president protects the Constitution. That is a pretty weighty job, but from listening to their stump speeches it seems to be the last thing on the minds of the leading candidates. Other than running the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, nothing on the candidates’ platforms is a province of the president.

Province or not, the candidates of both parties are still promising the moon to the voters as they head into the big battle state of South Carolina. Polls, which are proving about as reliable as the predictions of a “Magic 8 Ball,” show Obama and Huckabee leading their respective parties there. Native son John Edwards is in third place in the “First to Secede State” and I’m sure he’ll have more anecdotes seemingly ripped from a Charles Dickens’ novel to prove to you why he should be president.

While Edwards is busy telling the saddest stories ever and Hillary is “finding her voice” and Obama is taking the unusual and crafty “take the high road” technique and Romney is trying to gauge what “American values” are most popular with Americans and Giuliani is working 9/11 into a speeches on any subject and Huckabee is putting the good-ole-boy charm on folks and McCain is just being McCain and Fred Thompson is looking about as alive as the dead guy in “Weekend at Bernie’s,’” I’ve been coming up with some campaign planks I’ll sell to the highest bidder.

First item up for bid guys and gals is the “Ringtony-No-Healthy” plank. It works this way; if you have money to download the latest ringtones but can’t pay for health insurance, you should not be eligible for any sort of state-sponsored medical care.

The second showcase is more global in nature and it is the “Iraq for sale plan.” I think we should, once the tension over the Iranian-ski-boat-joy-ride episode calms down, see how much Iran really wants control of Iraq and offer to sell them the country. We’ll have to figure out a price that helps us recoup monies for the pain and suffering being there has caused the families of the soldiers, Marines and taxpayers of the U.S. and work out some easy terms, maybe some creative financing to get them into the country of their dreams.

The third plank I have for auction is a way to get the finances of our country under control. This solution would keep politicians from having to make tough choices like spending less or raising taxes, and that is U.S. national debt consolidation. You have heard enough ads to realize how much money can be saved “by consolidating just $5,000 in credit card debt,” now imagine how much we could save by consolidating the nation’s $9,202,748,595,927.41 debt. By the way that works out to every American being on the hook for about 30 grand.

The fourth and final plank is free to all candidates, read the Constitution, follow it and quit re-inventing the job.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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