By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

In considering the long list of symbols I wouldn’t want emblazoned on my home or car, on a T-shirt or on a tattoo across my back, I’d have to put the Rebel Flag right up there with the Swastika and the Hammer and Sickle as symbols I’d avoid. (Personally I’d probably toss in the Wal-Mart Smiley Face, too.) For some reason, when I see someone sporting one of these symbols, I tend to think of that person as possibly being mentally or emotionally damaged, or possibly completely shiftless.

Perhaps I’m just funny that way.

But now I feel like a group of so-called history buffs have essentially draped all of us in Mobile County with their objectionable symbol by erecting a giant Confederate Battle Flag right along Interstate 10 between Mobile and the Mississippi line. It almost feels like someone has forced us all to walk around wearing T-shirts that say, “Lookie here! I’m a big, fat redneck!” Naturally these T-shirts are all two sizes too small and provide for some amazing belly hang.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing this hillbilly monument flying along I-10, it’s a 12-foot-by-18-foot beauty on an 80-foot flagpole and illuminated with 2,000-watt halogen lamps. The flag is the “gift” of Ben “The Confederate Veterinarian” George and the Lee-Moses-Dixon Camp of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. About the only thing that might be less inviting to people driving into our area would be a billboard with the visage of a hooded Klansman giving motorists “the finger.”

I drove past this monument twice last weekend and couldn’t help thinking how travelers must react to it, especially those who may never have driven through our redneck of the woods before.

“Umm, is Lynyrd Skynyrd from Mobile?” one traveler might ask another.

“I don’t think so,” his companion might reply.

“What about the banjo player from ‘Deliverance’ or David Duke?”

“Not sure. Maybe.”

“You know, come to think of it, I’m not that hungry after all. Let’s wait until we get to Pensacola to eat lunch.”

“Absolutely! I think they’ve got an Applebee’s there!”

Hopefully Dr. George and his group aren’t intentionally trying to drive away business and visitors, or to make us all look like rednecks, but regardless of their intentions, that’s exactly what their monument has done from the second it went up. And being someone who is in the First Amendment business, I completely support Dr. George’s right to do it. But, I will avail myself of my First Amendment right to say the fact that he and his group have done this makes me seriously question whether they even have the sense God gave a chicken. (And I’m not talking about one of those smart chickens that beat people at tic-tac-toe, I’m talking about the super-dumb kind that drown in a rainstorm because they keep looking up.)

If there’s ever been a “Lost Cause” in this old world, it’s the attempt by people like Dr. George to fish the Confederate Battle Flag out of history’s toilet bowl and to make it all shiny and new again. While some amazingly minute percentage of society may actually think that flag is a symbol of history and heritage, the other 99.9999999 percent of Americans think of it as a very good way of identifying people with small gene pools and large gun collections.

I’m sure there’s some Ben George counterpart in Germany who wants to honor his fallen ancestors from WWII by flying the swastika. Fat chance that anyone would think he was anything other than a Nazi if he did. Same thing with the Battle Flag. It offends so many people and causes just about all of the rest of us to at least mentally flinch.

Think about it. If you were in a parking lot and there were two spots left and one was next to a big pickup with a Battle Flag painted across the tailgate and the other space was next to a big pickup with Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo, where do you think you’d park? Exactly. You don’t want to meet the idiot who owns that flag truck, do you? You’d take your chances with the guy who likes peeing cartoons.

And that’s probably the same way people driving into Mobile will feel when they see Dr. George’s big flag – they won’t want to meet the idiots who live in this county.

Thankfully, we have plenty of great people and things around here that can offset such an ignorant display. Businesses from around the world are coming here. The area is growing and bringing in new, more diverse people all the time. The Ben Georges in our area are a distinct minority. That was clear from his failed bid for public office. There are only so many people who think this flag shtick is cute. Maybe just enough to keep Dr. George’s veterinary clinic in business, but that’s about it.

I’m sure there are some people out there who will get all lathered up and want to make an argument for the “historical importance” of the flag, blah, blah, blah. Forget it. The debate is over. School’s out. Some things just are the way they are.

As my wife astutely pointed out, nobody can get away with wearing that tiny mustache Hitler liked anymore. I’m sure there are some mustache aficionados who could argue about the historical significance of the tiny mustache, but absolutely no one who is sane wears one. If you do, people will think you like Hitler, even if you just think tiny mustaches make you sexy. The same logic applies to this ridiculous flag.

But since the flag is there and the likelihood of a meteorite hitting it is relatively slim, we need to find a way to deal with it.

What would be fitting is if the city and county got together and erected a very tall – say around 80-foot-tall – billboard welcoming people to Mobile on the public right of way in front of Dr. George’s flag. I’m sure that might be upsetting to the folks who spent $20,000 to irritate and embarrass the rest of us, but freedom of speech cuts both ways sometimes.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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