By Ashley Toland Editor

The following is a telephone conversation between girlfriends Mobile and New Orleans, who have been dear friends for over 300 years. Like most women, the two talk about their current problems, the men in their lives, Mobile Mayor Sam Jones and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, among others…

NOLA: Hello.

Mobile: Hey girl. What’s up?

NOLA: Just praising Jesus that Mardi Gras is finally over.

Mobile: Oh, don’t I know it. You should have seen my streets Ash Wednesday. I’m seriously thinking of banning serpentine next year.

NOLA: I’m not even sure if mine throw that, but I’m sure since it has the word “serpent” in it, they probably do (sigh).

Mobile: Yeah, I saw where you had a pretty rough year. I just wanted to call and check on you.

NOLA (sigh): Yeah. It was pretty bad. I had five murders and 12 others were injured in shootings; a couple of which were right on the parade route.

Mobile: My god, NOLA. I’m so sorry.

NOLA: Thanks, Mo. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t think I have ever seen it this bad. How did you guys do?

Mobile: Oh you know me (nervous laughter), as long as none of my school board members are out running over little girls, usually no one gets hurt. I just had a couple hundred folks get arrested, mostly underage kids drinking and public intoxication. A couple of potheads got busted. Nothing major.

NOLA: You’re so lucky. I’m really worried about myself. It’s been such a violent year, and I’m worried the citizenry is assigning blame along racial and socioeconomic lines, and that’s the last thing we need. It’s just a mess.

Mobile: I just can’t tell you how sorry I am, sweetheart. What does Ray say?

NOLA: You know, Ray. He’s like, “It keeps the New Orleans brand out there.” But I don’t want that to be my brand, Mo. He can be so insensitive. I don’t know if I can make it to the end of this term with him. I just don’t know.

Mobile: I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better I just had this guy who is running for Congress in my district busted for soliciting a prostitute.

NOLA: Oh gross. I hate it when they do that. Did you know him? Were you surprised?

Mobile: I knew of him. His name is Ben Lodmell. He’s running against Jo Bonner. He lives in Oakleigh, so really the only thing that surprised me was that the prostitute he was soliciting was female.

(The cities giggle).

NOLA: You are so bad. How’s Sam?

Mobile: Oh God. If I get named to the top of any more lists, his head isn’t going to fit inside Government Plaza.

NOLA: What list? You never tell me any of this anymore.

Mobile: I mean I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything but Moody’s Economy.com just said I was going to have the fastest growing U.S. economy over the next five years.

NOLA: Girl, that’s awesome! I had no idea. I’m so happy for you.

Mobile: Thank you. I mean, I’m excited and everything but Sam will just not shut up about it.

NOLA: He’s just proud of you.

Mobile: Oh, I know. He’s like, “Baby, you beat out 362 other American metro areas, including those bitches, Auburn and Huntsville.”

NOLA: I hate those bitches.

Mobile: Yeah, I don’t hate them like I hate Atlanta and Birmingham, but they don’t steal near as many of my citizens as those whores do.

NOLA: Yeah, you hate them like I hate Baton Rouge and Houston. Anyway, well, I’m just so proud of you, Mo.

Mobile: Well, I mean, they wouldn’t have given it to me if it hadn’t been for ThyssenKrupp and EADS and the container port and stuff.

NOLA: Girl, it was your assets that got you those things.

Mobile: Yeah, well, Sam does always say he looooves my assets.

NOLA: I always figured him for an asset man.

(The cities giggle).

NOLA: Well, sounds like somebody deserves some new jewelry for Valentine’s Day.

Mobile: Oh girl, I got some last Saturday.

NOLA: You bitch. What did you get?

Mobile: Well, you know, the RSA crown I got for my skyline last year?

NOLA: Yes…it’s gorgeous.

Mobile: Well, I got a smaller one, just like it, for the top of my Riverview Plaza.

NOLA: OK, I really hate you, now. Seriously.

Mobile: Oh stop, I’m sure Ray will get you something nice.

NOLA: Yeah, he’ll probably wrap up his latest conspiracy theory in a heart-shaped box.

Mobile: I’d love to feel sorry for you, NOLA. Really, I would. But it’s real hard to feel for someone whose got Brad Pitt slobbering all over them all the time.

NOLA: (embarrassed and defensive) Brad and I are just friends. Really good friends.

Mobile: Uh huh. I’ve seen the way he looks when he talks about you. I mean – what was it he said, – um, like,”I’ve always had a fondness for this place – it’s like no other.”

NOLA: Well, he is sweet.

Mobile: You better watch out for that Angelina. She looks scrappy.

NOLA: Oh, I can take her. But, just in case, you got my back, right?

Mobile: I always do, babe. Well, except, of course, when you’re claiming you started my Mardi Gras, but we’ll just fight about that again next year.

NOLA: OK, deal.

Mobile: Listen, I’ve got to go and get ready. Sam’s taking me to Ruth’s Chris tonight ….

A male voice interrupts from the background of NOLA: “NOLA, who are you talking to, baby? Come back to bed.”

NOLA: Shut up, Eli. I’ll be back in a minute.

Mobile: (Gasp) You slut!

NOLA: Well, hell, Mo, the boy just won the Super Bowl. He’s one of my own. It’s only right for me to give him the key to the city, so to speak.

Mobile: Or vice versa.

(The cities giggle.)

Mobile: OK, I guess I really will let you go now since you’re busy and all. Love you.

NOLA: You too, honey. Bye.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives