By Ashley Toland Editor

The big “nontroversy” in the presidential campaign last week (besides McCain’s alleged little lobbying lady love story) was Hillary Clinton’s assertion that Barack Obama plagiarized a speech from Massachusetts governor, Deval Patrick. By the way, I stole “nontroversy” from some pundit on MSNBC. Guess I won’t be running for president now.

Anyway, Obama took on this charge in the CNN debate saying Patrick was his friend and involved in his campaign and they trade lines all the time – I imagine it is very similar to when Jerry Seinfeld was helping Bania with his standup bit – Why do they call it Ovaltine?

It’s just what friends do.

But in the debate, Hillary delivered the now infamous canned line, “That’s not change you can believe in, it’s change you can Xerox.”

Despite the fact the last time I heard someone referring to copying as “Xeroxing” was about the same time I was calling my radio/tape player a “jam box,” it did get me thinking – at what point do politicians get the exclusive rights to their “borrowed” clichés?

Surely, Hillary owns “Ready on Day One” and Barack’s got “Change We Can Believe in,” by now.

And following this line of thinking, I believe each member of our Mobile City Council has phrases and delivery styles they “own,” so I have come up with a guide for us to use just in case someone (maybe someone running for school board or Jeffrey Jones) decides to “Xerox” lines from our esteemed council.

Now we will be able to call them out with great ease. You’re welcome.

District One: Fred Richardson

Delivery Style: Fred employs nursery rhymes and other general rhyming. When he gets agitated his voice gets very high. When he wants to make a point, he speaks very slowly and pauses between each word and then repeats it a couple of more times, for even more emphasis.

Phrases: ” I’m cleaning up District One, beat by beat, street by street, house by house.” Any reference to Henny Penny, Foxy Loxy or any of Mother Goose’s characters are exclusively Fred’s. He also likes to call men, “brother,” but he shares those rights with Clinton Johnson.

Influences: Mother Goose, Doctor Seuss and Marvin Gaye

District Two: William Carroll

Delivery Style: Hostile at times. If someone addresses the council, and William disagrees, watch out. He cross-examines them like F. Lee Bailey did Mark Fuhrman. I always want to play Marcia Clark and stand up and scream to Council President Copeland, “Objection. He’s badgering the witness.”

He’s also prone to interrupting his fellow councilors when he is fired up about something.

But when he is chilled, he is fairly soft-spoken, and I hear he likes to play the piano.

Phrases: “My fellow councilmembers,” and any phrase spoken in 75 decibels or louder.

Influences: Matlock, Interrupting Cow, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

District Three: Clinton Johnson

Delivery Style: It’s a 50-cent word stew. If his words are the meat, “as it pertains to,” “in order” and “as it relates to” would be the potatoes.

Phrases: If it ends in -tion it’s CJ’s. He also always uses third person to insult other councilors. And he, like Fred, likes to call his fellow male councilors, “brothers.”

Influences: A thesaurus and Marvin Gaye

District Four: John Williams

Delivery Style: Williams rarely speaks unless one of his constituents comes down to council to complain. This upsets him, especially if they haven’t called him or Mobile 311 about it first. It’s almost like he’s embarrassed. And then he “borrows” the William Carroll interrogation tactics. John, they probably just don’t know the correct protocol. Ease up.

Phrases: “Did you call 311?”

Influences: William Carroll, Ben Brooks, Connie Hudson and Mutes.

District Five: Council president Reggie Copeland

Delivery Style: Referee. As council president, Reggie is charged with basically telling the councilors to shut the hell up – just in a nicer way. When they go off on their little tangents and each of them speaks about 30 times and says the same thing over and over again, everyone who has to sit and listen to it week after week secretly wants to cut their tongues out, but since we can’t cut them out, Reggie just cuts them off. Because like us, Reggie wants to get to lunch on time.

Phrases: “Now you’ve already had your say, so be brief.” And “This is the last time we’re going to go around and then we’re going to vote.”

Influences: The guy who cues the music to cut people off during the Oscars.

District Six: Connie Hudson

Delivery Style: Hawkish and Victim-ish (though not fair). It really isn’t easy being a female politician. If you’re tough, you’re a bitch. If you complain about something, you’re a nag or are being hysterical. And if you’re not, you’re weak and playing the victim. When the council dudes go off on something, no one really gets too worked up about it. But oh Lord, when Connie delivers one of her “questions” or “inconsistent philosophy” speeches, those council boys go crazy on her. It’s not fair, but such is life. (Sigh) It is only heightened by the fact she seems to be at odds with the council and administration more than the rest of ‘em, so she gets jumped on more than anyone else.

Phrases: “Fiscal responsibility,” “I have questions,” ” District Six has been ignored yet again,” “Capital Improvements,” “I’m going to have to vote against this because it’s not consistent with my philosophy,” “How do I explain X to my constituents?”

Influences: Ben Brooks and Bess Rich

District Seven: Gina Gregory

Delivery Style: Very calm and matter of fact. Gina doesn’t get the council boys all worked up like Connie does because she usually votes with them. And she doesn’t really comment a lot unless it’s an issue she is passionate about or it affects her district. But when that happens, she calmly states her case and that’s that.

Phrases: “Thank you” and “I would like to recognize.” Gina is the council acknowledger. She likes to thank people.

Influences: Dido (Yes, the chick that sang that “Thank You” song) and since she used to work at WKRG, we’ll just say Mel Showers. Hey every column needs a Mel Showers reference once in a while.

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Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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