By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

There are some obvious places young children shouldn’t be taken to, like crack-houses, strip clubs, Gary Glitter’s apartment, nuclear weapons proving grounds, dog fights, the Centers for Disease Control, Chinese toy factories and church.

I know the last one is not like the other ones in so many ways, but it still ranks on the list of places young children shouldn’t go. It would have been more accurate and less shocking if I would have said young children shouldn’t be taken to places like fancy restaurants or church, but where would be the shock value or Gary Glitter reference in that? Before you call your priest, preacher or rabbi on me, hear me out on this one.

Church is supposed to be a calm place, church is supposed to be an enlightening place, church is supposed to be a place to get closer to God, and all of these things fly in the face of what a 2-year-old thinks they are supposed to get out of any given Sunday morning. The quiet of any given church or synagogue is the fuel that feeds the unruly toddler. Toddlers need to be kept away from very quiet public places the way mogwais need to be kept away from water.

The quieter the place the louder the toddler and that is the God’s honest truth! Bill Cosby had it right, kids do say the darndest things and usually they say them when the place of worship is the quietest. Leading researchers that study the things that exhaust me have come to the conclusion it is not my daughter’s fast breaks for the high altar or the kneeler kicking or the constant wiggling that most embarrass me at church, but it is her filling in of any silent time with running toddler commentary that can be heard as easily as the cannons firing during an AC/DC concert.

It is a brave priest that calls for people to pray silent petitions when the Sullivans are in the house. Our daughter believes that any time it is quiet that is her cue to say something or possibly sing the refrain from the “Barney” theme song.

If your child’s behavior in church gets bad enough there is always the crying room, which is akin to a field hospital for frazzled Moms and Dads. I think the crying room should be renamed the “let me tell you something” room since most of the dialogue going on in this behavior-based leper colony seems to begin with that phrase. While the church service is piped into the soundproof-glass-encased crying room, none of the inmates are listening. The children aren’t listening because they are all actively engaged in “actin’-a-fool” and the parents are either too busy trying to threaten various punishments to get the toddlers under control or they are reaching into their memories to find a happy place to dwell in until their child-at-church penance is over.

While tens of millions of Americans still regularly attend church or synagogue each week, that number is falling every year and I believe the culprit behind this retreat from the steeple is children, especially toddlers at church. The people who don’t have children are so annoyed by the antics the aforementioned children that they may skip going to services entirely and just watch it on television where they can take in a sermon without having their pew kicked or shoulder tapped. And the parents of those children are so drained by the process of taking their children to church that it is often easier to just stay home and drink.

I know there will be many of you out there that disagree with me and will think of some anecdote about how good and quiet a particular child was during a service; a reality check here, either that child was asleep or just had returned from an attitude adjustment in the parking lot. There are some among you that will quote scripture to tell me that children in church are fine.

“Sean, Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Jesus said that because the children were much better behaved in his time. If Jesus came back tomorrow in amongst today’s un-rulies he may rethink his words and possibly snatch a few up by their arms.

Of course church without children is all theory and will never be practice since babysitters don’t even get out of bed before 11 on Sundays and leaving toddlers home alone is still something that can land you in jail. Therefore families will opt out of services until their children are old enough to understand bribery or the meaning of reform school.

For those families that continue going to church with young children, just remember to say a prayer for us each service…that is if you can do that while our progeny poke their fingers in your back whilst singing the “Barney” theme.

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Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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