Dr. Zodiac

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Somebody out there is trying to break your heart, and they’re doing it very cleverly, getting you hooked on a cocktail of sex, good food, alcohol and interesting movies. Sooner or later, when the rug is pulled out from under you, it’s going to hurt. Protect yourself by passing on a few movies and meals. Keep the sex and booze as long as you can. Plastic shoes are in your future.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your excitement over the new Air Force Tanker contract at Brookley should be tempered by the fact that you’re unlikely to ever be hired for anything as tricky as airplane assembly. Perhaps they’ll need a large janitorial staff, though, so keep your chin up. But don’t bother trying to get more education. It’s not going to work. A friend has ringworm. Do not touch her!

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You’ve been feeding a stray cat at work, but that’s likely to lead to problems. Big problems. Some homeless men who’ve been hanging out nearby have taken notice of the moist catfood you’re serving your new friend and are starting to think it smells pretty tasty. In the coming weeks, you’re going to end up having to buy Tender Vittles for a stray cat and three stray dudes. It’s going to get expensive! An obscene hand gesture while driving leads to romance next week!

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- School Board Member Hazel Fournier’s recent decision to retire in order to spend time making delicious cheese straws has inspired you. Unfortunately, you don’t know squat about making cheese straws! Spend a little time in the kitchen, though, and you’re bound to come up with something great. Who wouldn’t love your Cheese Whiz Straws? Mmmmmmm, good eatin’! Please put that damn Blackberry down before someone gets hurt!

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – If you’re still waiting in line at the Civic Center Theater for a beer at the Wilco show, it’s time to go home. I know you’ve invested a lot of time, but let it go. It’s just not going to happen. This may come as a surprise to you, but not every married dude in Mobile is secretly gay. It just seems that way sometimes. And it’s more on specific streets. A chance to consume five Dew Drop chili dogs in one sitting is coming your way. Prepare yourself.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – The recent news stories implying that former Gov. Don Siegelman is sitting in jail just because he was a Democrat in a Republican-dominated state have you worried. After all, you’re a Democrat and you like shady deals and bribery. You could be a political target, too! This might be a good time to make a clean break and move to a state that doesn’t arrest people for such things. A co-worker thinks you look like George Washington.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – A very romantic dinner will be interrupted by a patron at a nearby table talking on a cell phone. It’s not that this person will be talking loudly, rather it’s that he will be talking about you without realizing you’re there. Unfortunately this lout’s conversation will reveal some rather sensitive information to your dining companion. Make the best of it. At least you won’t have to share dessert. If you can, try to stick the chatty guy on the phone with the bill.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – A former lover wants to come back into your life. Make sure your prescriptions are filled before you even consider it! This randy thing has been quite busy while you were apart. Latex should be your watch word! In fact, you might just want to make your would-be lover sit in the microwave oven for a few minutes before you get it on. Grabbing people’s butts in dark rooms is only going to land you in trouble. Stop it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Ever get that feeling that people are watching? They are! Mostly it’s because you’re making a spectacle of yourself, but there are those who have other motives. Make sure your clothes aren’t so tight they’re inviting unwanted attention. A dinner companion will try to screw you on splitting the bill. You’re not the one who ordered that damn appetizer! Giving beauty tips to people who are ugly is just cruel.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Mobile’s never-ending Florida Street drainage project has given you the blues. Cheer up! Things are about to get better. Next week, you and your friends will get really drunk and see an opportunity to drive some of the heavy equipment being used on the project. Not until the next morning will you realize you probably set the project back a good six months with all the damage you caused. Still, thinking about it will give you a chuckle, and isn’t that what it’s all about?”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – St. Patty’s Day looms ahead, which means it’s time to start trying to live up to the promise you made yourself last year. There should be no excuse this year for making a humongous ass out of yourself and throwing up all over the sidewalk outside of Callaghan’s. Remember, St. Patrick’s Day isn’t about getting drunk. It’s about, um, something Irish, I think. I’m not really sure. Hell, maybe it is about getting drunk. Knock yourself out.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Have you noticed how many people are holding doors open for you and trying to help you up and down stairs? It seems old age is catching up to you quickly. Hey, don’t blame Dr. Z. I’m only the messenger here. I work for the stars, and they thing you’re getting pretty long in the tooth. Take advantage of the situation. Go to Early Bird specials and load up. Your boss thinks you’re stealing paper clips. Don’t let him know that you are.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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