County View

The last two days of March sadly included three fatal motorcycle accidents in Mobile County, making front page news and leaving many wondering what’s up with traffic. In the previous CV we heard local instructor cyclist Freddy Wheeler before the County Commission, asking for assistance creating a motorcycle safety course, and the commission did listen and requested more information before possibly proceeding. But what is going on with traffic in our bursting-at-the-seams, fastest-growing medium-metro area in the nation?

Traffic. Lots of it. And like Ben Bernanke, the city, county and state are working hard to play catch-up, building new lanes, extensions and shortcuts, some going well and a few blemished. I have my own ideas on the state of county roads and though it may appear I am amusing a tragic situation, I am really using comic relief to shed light on a problem that non-comical exposés have yet to fix. That’s my disclaimer and I’m sticking to it.

THE SUN REALLY DOES ALSO RISE

FADE TO: The KOOLEYMAE residence. The sun is rising on the intermittent beeping of a flea market alarm clock, telling us snooze is in play. ZOOM TO: EDWAYNE and WANITA KOOLEYMAE, fandangled in a bed of sheets, hands clutching pillows, covering their eyes to block out the rudeness of Johnny’s ball of fire. Then:

WANITA: (with pure love in her vermillion eyes) “Why baby, you got a new freckle on the side of your butt. I luv you. But goober tops, wudin’t yew ‘upposed to leave for work at 5?”

EDWAYNE: “Morning poo-poo head, I was. But yew know I’ll make up for it on the road. I thank with gas prices the way they are you get better mileage going fast. I’ll cut a hundred most of the way.”

WANITA: “I thought going slower saved gas but then I’m not ‘zactly a rocket scientist. Hee hee.”

AGE BEFORE FINEST

CUT TO: Morning rush, Airport Blvd. A patrol car has stopped a 1978 Lincoln Continental.

POLICEMAN ( looking at driver’s license) “Mam’n, I stopped you for swerving into the other lane. Twenty times. Your license says you were born in . . 1899? Why that can’t be . .”

LADY: “Don’t ask me how old I am. I forget. It’s over a hundred, maybe a hundred and ten, and look young boy, don’t tell me to stop driving. I’ve got to get from point A to point . .um, you know, that other point . . wherever it is. Could I interest you in a few Benjamin’s?”

COGITO ERGO SPEED

FADE TO: The picture of serenity, a timid university professor strolls to his car, soaking in the butterflies and blooming dogwoods and azalea. He gets in his car and squeals out of the parking lot and onto a city street as if he had just merged with traffic from a freeway onramp. He was, it turns out, a professor of mathematics.

YGLT

CUT TO: MOTORCYCLISTS ONE AND TWO, riding side-by-side on Snow Road. They are texting each other as they fly south towards the 10,000th annual knife and gun show.

M1: LOL, I FEel like we R xcelerating but can’t ReaLLy measure against carN front of us. What’s that about?

M2: W’re on hogs, not turtles. But I think we are SAPOSED to ride STaGGaRED not side-by-side. We look smootchy riding this way. Dig?

M1: It’s supposed to make cars notice us BETter but I saw on URban Legends it’s not true. Ready? I think I’m going to stop texting while we pass this good buddy.

THUGS ‘N LUV

PAN TO: soupy car, spinning hub caps, thumping “music,” black windows. Inside unknown “superstars,” dreamers of the dream drive in their own world, the only world. Cruising through the green light in their Hoodies they never saw or heard the ambulance. It wasn’t for them anyway so it’s cool.

DRIVIN WITH A TUDE

CUT TO: Bumper stickers: “Horn broke. Watch for finger.” “Browning.” “Mossy Oak.” Allegedly spotted somewhere in Mobile, a faded: “W, The President.”

ME AND ONLY ME

FADE TO: A driver going the exact 45 mph speed limit, being bumper hugged by a chain-gang of assorted running-lates. In his rearview the slacker sees the convoy on his tail and marvels at his power to slow them down. He breaks into the first song of the show:

“I’m stopping’ the world

slowin them down

makin them wait

and they can’t go around

because this is

a two way street

a two lane road

a two way love affair with me and them and

I’m stopping the wooooorld, me and only meeeeee!!!!!!!!

(REFRAIN) REAL MIXED WITH NON-REAL NEWS

In other developments, the March 24, 2008 County Commission meeting was so anesthetized that I forgot I wasn’t at Hooters and stood up and demanded some action. I challenged Republicans Dean and No-Dean to lure reticent Dem Ludgood into a McCain-Obama debate. I ask Dean to rap his thoughts on west Mobile businessman John Graham.

Stone or stoned silence filled the chambers. I kindly offered to perform a new crump dance I learned, but the front row of county attorneys frowned and filed motions for me to SDSU. Then in a moment of real business, Mayor Don Nelson of Creola approached the rostrum. Mayor Nelson is trying to finalize plans for his town to move into the 21st century with water and sewage, and it appears it may be in place as early as this fall with the help of a private company named Integra Water.

Maybe Buy U La Battery, Semmes and Wilmer can hook up with Integra and the expressions “Septic overflow” “Shrimp with extra sauce” and “contaminated ground water” can delete from our saucy vernacular.

Contact Preston Brady at preston@lagniappemobile.com.

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