By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Surely there are soap operas that might rival the David Thomas saga in terms of twists, turns and crazy behavior, but since I don’t watch the soaps, DT’s life will have to provide the entertainment. And one thing is for sure – it always delivers.

By now most folks have probably heard the impeached school board member and deposed director of adult education and economic development at Bishop State Community College will have to be hired back at Bishop. At least that’s what an arbitrator named Thomas Humphries decided March 28 in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.

Essentially Humphries said Thomas was improperly fired and should be returned to employment with Bishop State with back pay for the time he was out. Bradley Byrne, chancellor of the Alabama Community College System, is gnashing his choppers and appealing the ruling, but as it now stands, Thomas could soon be heading back to work at Bishop.

Essentially Humphries found that Byrne and the system had no right to fire DT, despite the fact he pled guilty to a felony for the now-famous Mardi Gras Day accident in which he ran over a little girl’s foot and left the scene, some say while hammered. The system also offered Dave’s impeachment from the Mobile County School Board as another reason for his dismissal. Thomas used $9,000 of public money to buy Mardi Gras throws for himself and fellow board member Hazel Fournier the year after running over the child’s foot.

Then there was the whole debacle regarding where Dave was going to serve his small jail sentence. His cousin, the now-ousted “Spanking Judge” Herman Thomas, pulled some strings to get Dave into the relatively cushy Prichard Jail, rather than down at the overcrowded central lockup. Of course, that stunt led to a series of revelations that caused Hermie to come under rather intense scrutiny that eventually included ultraviolet lights and Petri dishes. Nasty!

All in all, Bishop officials found David Thomas to be someone they didn’t really want serving as a director of anything, so they canned him. But he appealed and this short-sighted arbitrator (Another cousin maybe? Better check.) is trying to let DT back in. Let’s face it, like it or not, David Thomas has more lives than the average feline and the cajones to press a point 99 percent of us would be too embarrassed to even mention, had we “acted a fool” in public.

Now the one caveat to the rehire is that Thomas doesn’t have to be given his old job back. Humphries ruled he should be employed as an instructor, a position Thomas held for several years with the college. And while Bradley Byrne would clearly not like to have Thomas pulling into the faculty parking lot at Bishop, perhaps there is an opportunity here to make lemonade out of lemons, so to speak.

Dave’s life experiences over the past few years make him uniquely qualified to teach a number of special courses the college could (and should) offer, if and when Thomas rejoins the faculty.

Certainly his experiences involving the legal system have left him an expert in criminal law, especially as it pertains to working the system to one’s greatest advantage. Perhaps he could teach a course called “Unequal Justice: Getting the Special Legal Treatment You Deserve.”

Thomas’ experience as a former school board member shouldn’t be forgotten either. He is well positioned to provide students who posses a hankering for public service an educated look at elective office and its privileges and pitfalls. Byrne should consider how invaluable it would be for a young poli-sci major to learn at the feet of the master when it comes to discussions of just how much public money can be used for Mardi Gras crap without getting your butt in a sling. (We now know $9K is too much!) He could call this course “Graft and Corruption 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Working the System.” Imagine the gleam in a student’s eyes as he or she learns about double-dipping on travel expenses. That’s real world information!

Of course, the serious students will want to take the follow-up to that course, “Graft and Corruption 220: What to Do When You Get Caught and Your Face is All Over the Media and Even Children Are Spitting on You.” Required reading for that course would probably be the Yellow Pages’ listing for defense attorneys, as well as boning up on the state’s various jails and prisons.

It might even be worthwhile for Byrne to consider having DT teach a Driver’s Ed course. I know most colleges don’t offer driving courses, but if this was done in conjunction with the political science division, it could be really useful. Face it, too many politicos get in trouble behind the wheel. “Driving While Intoxicated with Power” could teach students about the classic move of leaving the scene of an accident and claiming to have gone to a nearby party and downed several alcoholic drinks, thus providing an excuse as to why you might be far over the legal DUI threshold hours later.

You’re not going to get that kind of advice from one of those shaky old driver’s ed films they show in high school. That’s for sure.

And certainly Thomas should teach a course on self-esteem. “I Love Me Lots” would imbue students with the kind of hubris that would enable them to effectively forget any horrible past behavior, hold their heads high and proudly demand to be treated as if nothing ever happened. After all, we could all use some self-esteem training.

Well, maybe not Dave. He seems to be full of it.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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