By Ashley Toland Editor

It’s usually BS you get with the Mobile City Council, but the last couple of weeks we’ve been dealing with DS and CS, or as the council technically and deliciously puts it – dog and cat “feces” or “presents.” And they haven’t just been focusing on feces but also “barking, yelping, howling, baying, crying and growling” dogs. Excessive meowing or midnight cries of ecstasy from “cats in season” were not addressed.

What’s all this sh*t about, you yelp?

Well, Councilwomen Gina Gregory and Connie Hudson apparently received a poo-load of calls respectively about owners letting their dogs “go” at will without cleaning it up and about man’s best friends barking incessantly, certainly creating neighbors with Ambien addictions.

So in an attempt to cut the crap and silence Spot, the council ladies proposed ordinances to create fines for both.

Gregory’s stressed it was the owner’s duty to clean up their cat or dog’s doodie, and they would be fined $25 if they did not.

Hudson’s ordinance demanded that an officer must hear Benji barking for 10 minutes before issuing a ticket. The first call they would receive a warning. On the second and third violations, the owner would be fined $75 and $150.

I guess one could argue (though not very effectively) these ordinances seemed good in theory, but when the administration and police department looked at enforcement, they were basically like, “this is crap,” quite literally.

And, really, how would you regulate removing Rin Tin Tin’s regularity?

Would the police have to actually watch Weimaraners and weenie dogs drop their kids off at the park? Or could DNA tests be performed to prove it was Scooby’s scat?

And cats? Come on. Good luck enforcing that one. I can just picture officers saying, “Now, Kitty, tell me which house you live in. Stop meowing and answer me, damnit!”

And the barking?

Councilwoman Hudson was concerned there would not be an objective witness to the barking and the ordinance could be abused, which is why she and council attorney added the clause that officers must witness the barking for 10 minutes.

Will we be issuing the officers stopwatches now? Because it’s not like we have people running around in Hoodies robbing Blockbusters and Smoothie Kings or anything.

Can’t you just picture it?

“Officer, officer. Come quick. I’m being robbed,” a frantic person would cry.

“Well, ma’am,” the officer would say. “I’ve got six more minutes on timing this dog bark, but just as soon as I’m done, I’ll be right there. If he shoots, duck.”

And as Police Chief Philip Garrett, who had to sit in the two hour public service committee meeting last Thursday to talk about this (Because again, it’s not like we have people robbing Arby’s or lawn care workers in broad daylight), said any good lawyer will argue the officer’s presence is causing the dog to bark.

So after Thursday’s discussion, the councilors decided to table both ordinances. Gregory decided it would be better to “educate” people on how to pick up their dogs’ “presents.” And Hudson learned the Mobile Animal Shelter could be utilized to help deal with barking dogs, as they have someone on staff 24/7 to deal with these types of problems. They vowed to work more closely together.

As news that the ordinances were tabled got out, reaction on the streets was mixed.

“I mean, I was really hoping they would pass the dog poop and barking ordinances,” said Cleo, a longhaired WeMo cat. “In fact, I was hoping they would lock all those mangy mutts up. I hate them. But the cat feces ordinance? I found it highly offensive. We, felines, as most know, very graciously bury our excrement. Now, perhaps if they wanted to discuss depth requirements on the holes we dig to bury said excrement, we might would be open to digging a little deeper.”

Scabby, a semi-homeless Leinkauf cat echoed Cleo’s concerns and questioned who would be fined when he pooed.

“I am fed by at least three people in this neighborhood, including those chumps at the Lagniappe office, though I don’t claim any of them as my owners. Who would have been fined for my feces?” he pondered. “I’m just glad I can still go wherever I want, whenever I want to, without the suckers who graciously feed me being punished.”

Dogs were equally relieved, so to speak.

Apollo, a Doberman pinscher and president of the local watch dog labor organization, Watch Dog, said they were “very happy” the council had decided to table this matter.

“We are thrilled with the discussion at today’s meeting. These stupid humans are always like ‘please, protect me but for the love of God, don’t wake the neighbors up in the process,’” he mocked. “Today we feel validated and hope this sends a message to all of our owners and their neighbors that you can’t have it both ways. Yes, maybe we bark some times because you’ve had our testicles surgically removed. But maybe, just maybe we are barking at the Hoodie standing in your back yard. Think about that next time we wake you up in the middle of the night and you call the cops on us.”

While Apollo was hesitant to comment on the poo issue, Ruben Stokes, a Shih Tzu and pet of the mayor’s chief-of-staff Al Stokes, was very vocal.

“While I’m glad the council decided to table this, I think the proposed dog sht education campaign is horse sht. Come on, you don’t think our owners know they should pick up our poo. They know how to and that they should; they just don’t want to. I wouldn’t want to pick up Al’s poo either. It’s gross. Not Al’s specifically – picking poo up in general. The way I look at it is, yes, we do take dumps on the streets and parks and in people’s yards, but did anyone ever stop to consider how much cat crap me and my fellow canines are eating off the streets? I think it all evens out,” Ruben barked.

If you have trouble with a barking dog, you can call the Mobile Animal Shelter at 251-208-2800. If your dog leaves some chocolates in your neighbor’s yard, Winn Dixie bags work great.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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