Dr. Zodiac

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – So you’ve got a raging hangover from a weeknight of drunkenness. Whose fault is that? The bartender’s? Damn right it is! The SOB should have noticed how f-ed up you were when you were hitting on that vacuum salesperson from Kansas City. Yikes! Thank God you threw up before something really traumatic happened! Next time, pick a better bartender, one who’ll cut you off somewhere between drunk and naked.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – After your recent debacle of a trip across the Bay, you’re forsaking I-10 as a feasible route. Good for you! The Causeway is much more fun and interesting and has lots of places you can stop and have a drink. In fact, your first day of taking your new route is bound to be full of adventure! A few drinks at different spots – some you didn’t know existed – will turn into an airboat ride and several dances with a very sexy stranger. Too bad your mate will want a full report when you get home. I-10 doesn’t look so bad after that.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- You’re waking up in Creola and finding out the powers that be have outlawed your “manufactured home.” Tell those motherscratchers you don’t live in a G-D manufactured home, you live in a by-God trailer. That’s a proud part of Alabama’s heritage and if anyone wants to make you move your trailer, they might as well get ready to be shot at. It’s a package deal – trailer, bad attitude, gun. Get the idea?

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – “Rock of Love II” has taken up a considerable amount of your time in recent months, and now it’s over. That sorry-ass Ambre beat out the adorable-but-heavily-tattooed-and-possibly-herpes-ridden Daisy, which just goes to prove Valtrex isn’t really the equalizer it’s made out to be in the commercials. Fear not, though! Jack Blades, the lead singer for Night Ranger, is set to have his own reality dating show very soon. You’ll be a shoo-in for “Blades of Death.”

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Crime in Mobile is out of control, but you’re going to do your part to stop it in the coming days. Next week, you’ll be held at gunpoint by a crazed madman geeked to the hilt on meth and looking for some brains to spatter. Fortunately, when he takes his gun off of you to point it at another person, you’ll take advantage of the situation. You’ll urge him to fill that person full of lead, and as soon as he’s fired all his rounds, you’ll make your move to disarm him. Good luck!

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – An unruly server at McDonald’s will make you wonder why you even bother to drive by there and tell everyone they’re dying and that they should go to hell. Some people on the McDonald’s payroll apparently won’t think you’re so clever. Just have photos taken of yourself beaten senseless when the creditors cath up.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – A co-worker is making you all crazy by constantly flirting and promising sex in the boss’ office when he’s out getting his hair permed. This gets your motor running, but be very careful! Such behavior is bound to have some downside. For instance, imagine how lame the rest of your workday will seem if you aren’t “bumping uglies” somewhere in the building. Work is barely tolerable as it is! Imagine if you knew you could be getting some! This is a disaster!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Rick Springfield is coming to The Wharf, and that’s getting your underwear all in a twist! You’ve always wanted to get a piece of “Dr. Noah Drake” and now you might have a chance. He’ll wish he had Jesse’s Girl to apply some kind of salve after you’re through with him! Beware though, it’s not all peaches and crème! There’s a good chance you’ll go several days without getting “Jesse’s Girl” out of your head and Sue Bee honey out of your private areas.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Somewhere along the line this week you’ll discover you are, in fact, truly evil. It won’t seem obvious to anyone else, but that’s part of the genius of your evil. You’re nice to strangers, but screw over anyone who dares to care about you. That and you don’t pay for parking! You are an animal! An absolute animal! However, when it comes to supporting local charities, you’re gold. Still, you’re evil.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – An online relationship will get entirely out of hand when the subject turns to sexual matters. You’ll end up lying to your online friend about a variety of physical attributes, claiming amazing dimensions and elasticity. Don’t beat yourself up about it, though. That’s what the Internet’s for. Lying to people online is one of the main reason it was created. That and delivering porn to people with miniscule penises.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – God, Dr. Zodiac is ripped right now as he looks at your future! Frankly things are a bit fuzzy. Could be you’ll meet the love of your life. Could be you’ll get herpes from that person. Frankly I’m not as sharp as I should be. The best thing to do in this type of situation is absolutely nothing. Don’t talk to anyone or do anything! Danger is present. I’ll be back to normal in two weeks and will save you a lot of trouble. Trust me. I’m drunk.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You’re trying to decide of you’re an oral sex person or a non-oral sex person. If you have to ask yourself, you’re in the non variety. Knowing this is going to come in handy in the coming days, when you meet a very attractive person who is definitely into the oral pleasures. You can only fake it for so long. Do both of you a favor and just nip this thing in the bud before someone is disappointed. Severely.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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