By Ashley Toland Editor

After a long hiatus, one of our favorite “concerned citizens” and council regulars Mrs. Bittersworth made a triumphant return to the glass confines of Government Plaza.

For those of you who were unaware (or have jobs), you can come down and address the councilors every Tuesday morning on pretty much anything that may be bothering you and/or you may want and/or need and/or you find slightly irritating.

For example, perhaps you need some money for a trip to Europe (those are quite frequent…as long as you are planning “to represent the city” while singing opera, painting or studying art and/or the cultures of distant lands)... Or maybe you want some money to finance your trip to be on “Oprah,”(happened once) ...Or maybe you want the council to buy some sort of special coating you invented to apply to the roofs of all city buildings (has happened a couple of times)... Or maybe you just don’t like the anything about the way any city official or worker or contractor is handling anything at anytime (happens all the time).... As long as you are signed up to speak on a non-agenda item, you can yammer on for a full five minutes. (Longer if you are cute and/or live in Spring Hill ).

But it was actually none of these issues that brought Mrs. B. back to the podium. Though she signed up to speak about “National Day of Prayer,” in a classic bait-and-switch Bitttersworth move, she somehow jumped to admonishing the council for approving a $40K study to figure out how to create a quiet zone downtown, where trains would not have to blow their whistles at crossings.

Downtown hoteliers and developers have voiced concerns that their guests and potential buyers have complained about the noise at night – a lot. So in an attempt to prevent any damage to the burgeoning downtown economy, the council decided to spend a little moo-lah to see if it would be possible to shoo-shoo the whistles of the choo choos. (OK, I apologize for that one)

To do so will probably cost close to a half a million dollars or more, as the city would be responsible for installing lights and crossing gates and such, as well as taking on any liability for accidents that occur at these crossings.

But the council feels the upfront costs will be worth it in the long run in order to make Mobile the city that always sleeps.

Bittersworth does not agree. She thinks it’s too expensive and that the sounds of trains, planes and automobiles are just part of the Mobile experience.

“I don’t even hear them anymore,” she said.

Perhaps she can add this to the list of things to talk to the Big Man Upstairs about on National Day of Prayer.

Oh Lord, please let us keep the train whistles. I love them so.

The Resolution Rigmarole

I remember a sweet, sweet time several years ago when the city council meetings lasted about an hour – tops, and you could make it to Café 219 before all the lawyers hogged up the tables.

But not anymore, as the first hour of the council meetings now seem to be dedicated to “resolving” and proclaiming” it someone’s or something’s day or week in the City of Mobile, which entails reading a long proclamation full of archaic language – lots of “whereas-es” and “hereby-s” and such.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are certainly deserving people and causes worthy of the council’s recognition. But lately, the most inane things are getting recognized and quite frankly, now it just looks like pandering.

For example, a few weeks ago, Councilmen Richardson and Johnson decided to hold a job fair at the Dumas Wesley Center, with representatives from ThyssenKrupp (and yes, some of the councilors are still calling it ThyssenKRUMP – stop it!.), Austal, Berg Steel among others. It apparently was a huge success as people were lined up around the block to get in.

That’s awesome.

But awesome enough to deserve a ceremony with CERTIFICATES for the representatives that showed up? Come on.

What did it say?

“Whereas you did your job by trying to recruit and hire employees, we do hereby proclaim you did your job on this day in the city of Mobile.”

But it’s the smaller events that are suddenly getting council acclaim that are even worse. Another reporter joked last week that soon they were going to start recognizing family reunions.

Can you imagine that one?

“Whereas four brothers and three sisters made it back to Mobile from all over the United Sates and one from Lichtenstein… Whereas these children and their children and their children’s children made it to this great city where they were born and raised well before Great-Grandpa Fred kicked the bucket….Whereas Aunt Lucille made the most delicious potato salad…Whereas Uncle Milton was able to keep his raging alcoholism in check and not fondle any of the nieces’ breasts…Whereas this family provided nice Hanes T-shirts in a variety of colors for every member… the Mobile City Council, along with Mayor Samuel L. Jones, do hereby declare it ‘Smith Family Reunion Day’ for the City of Mobile.”

I hereby declare this has gotten out of hand.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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