Dr. Zodiac

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Mother’s Day is fast approaching, which means it’s another chance to bitterly disappoint the woman who gave birth to you. She’s expecting flowers and a nice dinner, but a Crack Dixie-bought $2 bouquet of daisies and a Thick Burger probably aren’t what she has in mind. Nevertheless, it’s the thought that counts, and by the end of the day, Mom will have settled back into blindly admiring you.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) -Some nosey types will go down to the courthouse and get the public records of your nasty upcoming divorce, making you wish you hadn’t included so much grisly detail. It’s all there – the affair with the co-worker, haggling over the Pier One plates, the GPS and the cat. It’s going to be pretty embarrassing. It also might not be worth it after your sexy co-worker takes up with some randy local TV personality.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) -Although tax time was weeks ago, you’re still sweating the IRS because you just ignored your obligation to fund the government’s overspending. It’s only a matter of time before some serious fines and liens are headed your way. Still, it’s the principle of the matter. If the government can send “incentive packages” to people who don’t work, why should you pay? An elderly relative will remind you of cabbage.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – In a stroke of genius, you’ll come up with a new bio-fuel made from your old socks and shoes. It’ll make your car smoke a bit, but this new fuel will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Actually it probably won’t, because your dreams are overly wild. But it’ll be enough to take yourself on a vacation somewhere within a three-hour drive. And trust me, when you start telling folks you’re an energy scientist… well, you won’t be alone for long.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – A sweet real estate deal is coming your way, leading to you and the family moving into swank new digs. Everything goes smoothly until you realize your new pad is haunted. This wouldn’t be such a problem except your new ghost is very gay and is always throwing fabulous parties for other gay ghosts. It’s not that you don’t like it, but more that the gay ghosts have much better parties than you or your live friends. Deal.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) -A week of beating yourself up will come to an end. Sure, you shoplifted a bottle of Wild Turkey from a local liquor store and got caught. Sure, you had sex with an underaged high school student and got in trouble with the cops. Sure, you videotaped your grandmother with a pistol in her hand, screaming profanities at the camera. Yes, you did all that, but you’re still not a bad person. Perhaps a bit misunderstood, but not bad.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Nothing can stop fate from dealing you the hand it means to deal. In other words, fate’s got some cards, and you’re going to get them, no matter what. What I’m trying to say, is you got to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. Wait, that’s not really what I’m trying to say. This card analogy is a bit tricky. At some point you should double down, but I’m not sure when. Best to just stay out of card games right now.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -Your crush on a co-worker is obvious to everyone but you! Stop with the constant notes and flirty e-mails! It won’t get you anywhere. The person you desire is married to the sea! The salt water courses through those veins and creates a longing for the white caps, seagull crap and bad food common on the sea. An old friend needs your help, but won’t get it. That old friend should remember how selfish you are!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)You’ll be listening to some of the strangest music of your life in the coming days, primarily because you’ll get trapped in an elevator in the old First National Bank Building. But it won’t be the muzak that drives you insane, it will be the overweight, very smelly dude trapped with you. After sharing your life stories for a few hours, it becomes obvious you have little in common, other than a love of frozen coffee drinks. Cannibalism is considered before you’re saved.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – A young relative will get you back into your childhood hobby of assembling model airplanes. Unfortunately, this will also reactivate your childhood habit of sniffing modeling glue to get super high. At least you’ll have an apprentice who can learn from the master, but things will get totally out of hand while assembling a replica of the Enola Gay. The law could be involved.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – There’s little that can’t be accomplished with a great attitude, unfortunately that’s just now you. Your sour outlook will continue to hold you back in the coming days, leading to an upcoming weekend of sitting around your living room smoking and eating Li’l Debbie snack cakes. Even the deliciousness of Li’l Debbie is lost on you, as you eat primarily out of boredom. Perhaps a Hostess Apple Pie could turn the tables for you!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) -Jealousy rears its ugly head next week as a server at a local restaurant openly flirts with your lover right in front of you, and your lover flirts back!!! While Dr. Z does not condone hurling a plate of pasta into your partner’s lap, this approach is bound to get the attention focused back on you! If that doesn’t work, try slapping the server. Or ignore the whole thing and it will go away.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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