By Ashley Toland Editor

“Hey Jonesie, can I talk to you a minute,” a burned-out sounding garbage gnome said to the mayor as his honor threw a bag of Ruth’s Chris leftovers into the garbage cart behind his house.

“Gary, is that you,” Mayor Jones asked in amazement. “How can it be? I thought you were dead.”

“It’s all good, man. You’re right. Gary kicked the bucket years ago. I’m his twin brother, Larry.”

“The resemblance is remarkable,” the mayor said, still in shock.

“Well, yeah, we’re twins. Hello,” the gnome sassed. “And people call me a stoner.”

“Do you live in a garbage cart, too?” the mayor inquired.

“Well yeah. I don’t really have my own cart at the present time. I’m kind of just hopping around and crashing in my friends’ carts. It’s just temporary. I’m sort of in between jobs right now.”

“Oh what kind of work do you do?” Jones asked.

“Oh, I’m self-employed,” Larry answered.

“Well, how are you out of work then?” the mayor asked.

“Welllll…. You know . . .gas prices…economic downturn … nevermind,” Larry said.

“Well, we have plenty of jobs available right here in Mobile, Alabama. In fact, I am having a Regional Workforce Summit this Thursday. I’ve assembled all our local leaders and business folks and we are going to get together and talk about workforce preparation and readiness and all that kind of shiz. The Deputy Assistant to the Secretary of Employment and Training of the Department of Labor is even going to be here. It’s going to be awesome,” Jones said.

“That’s all cool and all. But, dude, I’m a gnome that lives in a garbage can. I don’t think ThyssenKrupp, Berg Steel or EADS is looking for me. Plus, I’m more into horticultural fields,” Larry said.

“You’re probably right,” the mayor said. “Well why are you here exactly?”

“My beloved brother Gary came to me in a dream last night and had an important message that he said I had to get to you. It was really freaky, man.”

“How much ‘horticulture’ were you into last night?’ the mayor asked.

“No, seriously. Gary said he was in Heaven – it is a place called the Chastang Landfill. Apparently, it’s where all good Mobile garbage gnomes go when they pass on,” Larry explained.

“Chastang Landfill is the city’s main garbage dump. That’s Heaven?”the mayor scoffed.

“Well for little creatures that eat garbage it is,’ Larry answered.

“Well, I guess that makes sense,” the mayor agreed.

“Anyway, Gary says the landfill is going to be completely full in the next 40-65 years – at least that’s what the officials are telling him, and he wants to know what you guys are going to do about it. You know, dude, he’s there for eternity,” Larry said.

“Well, we have the city recycling center on Government Street, where people can take their recyclables,” the mayor defended.

“Gary said you would say that. And he said that’s great and all but he doesn’t think enough people are doing it. He says ya’ll need to make it more convenient and offer curbside recycling throughout the city,” Larry said.

“Well, I’m sure he does. Is he planning on paying for it with his vast gnome fortune? You have no idea how expensive it is, and in order to do it we would most likely have to charge some sort of fee,” the mayor explained.

“So, charge a fee,” Larry said matter-of-factly.

The mayor started dying laughing.

“Please. Do you know how many people would be lined up at Government Plaza to gripe about that? I can see it now. Ms Antone, one of council regulars, would read a poem about it. And Mrs. Bittersworth would tell some long, monotone tale on how she takes all of her recyclables to the recycling center and how fun it is and then she would pray that we would not charge any fees for this. Not to mention all the other crazies. Uncle Henry would probably dedicate an entire week of shows to it,” Jones chuckled.

“Sure they will complain, man,” Larry confirmed. “But Mobile is the only major city in the state that doesn’t offer citywide curbside recycling, and it’s embarrassing. People are always going to complain about something – right up until the next thing to complain about comes along. You just need to say, ‘Hey we’re doing this because we need to protect our beautiful city’s environment and you people are just going to have to deal with it.’”

The mayor paused a moment and considered the gnome’s proposition.

“I just don’t think it would fly right now. Maybe in a few years. But you know, there is a private service in the city, so people who can’t go to the recycling center can pay those folks to pick up their stuff,” the mayor offered.

“I know, I know, dude. But you know how most people are – if they have to put forth any effort to do it, it ain’t gonna get done. I’m just saying if the city offered the service, a lot more people would participate,” Larry said.

“I’m sure they would, Larry, but we have a lot of other things we need to work on in this city first. I mean, how many years have we heard how many open ditches Fred Richardson has in Trinity Gardens. Not to mention all of the other capital needs in the city. Plus, we need to pay our police and firemen more. And of course, we have to make the downtown choo choos quieter so people can get a good night’s sleep at the Battle House. And on and on and on and on. It’s never-ending,” the mayor lamented.

“Yeah, kind of like the big pile of garbage at Chastang, dude” Larry said.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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