By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

My friend William Hinge VanAnterse III – Trey to his friends – looked especially nervous when I sat down next to him at the bar. In fact, he was drinking at twice his normal rate, which put him about five times ahead of the rest of us.

“You trying to make sure Crown Royal stock doesn’t fall?” I asked.

“Man, don’t joke about that! I’ve got most of my trust fund in the company that owns it, so it’s not going down on my watch,” he responded.

“So why’re you acting so nervous? Was Saban spotted eating lunch in Auburn with Ed Richardson and leaving with a very large briefcase?”

“Man, I’d slap you right now if that idea wasn’t so laughable. If Saban was eating lunch with Ed Richardson, it’d probably just be to offer him condolences for the whoopin’ we’re going to throw on Tubby this year. I’m sure Saban would even pick up the check. He doesn’t need any cowtown money!” Trey sniffed.

“So what’s up with you then?” I asked, afraid he was going to launch into one of his Roll Tide diatribes like he does most days when he calls in to WNSP.

“Man, I thought you were some kind of newsman or something. Don’t you know Hurricane Season just started and they’re saying we’re going to get destroyed this year? It sucks because I just got my Dauphin Island house back in order after Katrina. I can’t believe it’s going to get wrecked again.”

“Aw come on Trey,” I said, “You know all that hurricane predicting is about the biggest pile of bull ever shoveled onto the American public’s plate. Those guys predict a huge year every year. I’d be impressed if they just get it right once. Most years they wildly overpredict how many storms we’ll get.”

“Yeah, but they were right in 2005, we all got hammered. They even ran out of names! Can you imagine that, they ran out of hurricane names! I think they had to start naming them after ‘80s heavy metal band singers or something. If they didn’t, they should have. It would have been cool to have a hurricane named after Axl Rose or Vince Neil,” Trey said. “It might not be so bad to get hit by Hurricane Axl. I bet Guns N Roses would have come and done a benefit concert or something.”

“Man, how many glasses of Crown have you had? First of all, they had to name the hurricanes after Greek letters of the alphabet, and second just because there were lots of hurricanes that year doesn’t mean Dr. William Gray and the boys in Colorado got it right. They didn’t predict 28 named storms that year, not even close. They were just as wrong then – wrong in the other direction. They didn’t predict nearly enough,” I said.

“Well, it doesn’t really matter. The last two seasons have been so quiet, I just know we’re going to get nailed,” Trey whined, pulling out his official Food World Hurricane Tracking Chart and starting to go over it. “We’re due and we got so lucky with Ivan and Katrina. We are totally screwed!” He took out a pen and made a big “X” on Dauphin Island and wrote “Screwed!!!” next to it.

“At the risk of pissing off the hurricane gods – who probably ARE so sick of seeing Jim Loznicka wave at the camera on Channel 15 every night like he’s some housewife hanging around outside the “Today Show” that they are planning to wreck Mobile just to try to put him off the air – we are no more screwed than any other year. Same odds and chances of getting whacked every year,” I said.

“Wow, that was something,” Trey said.

“I’m glad you see the genius in my logic.”

“No man, I’m talking about how far down the road you had to go to make fun of Jim Loznika just because he likes to wave at the camera every night. I think it’s cute, like he’s the small town, folksy weatherman. He reminds me of my cousin Russell who likes to wave at trains,” Trey said. “I wasn’t really listening to the rest of what you said.

“I’m just saying it’s really the same thing every year – nobody really has any idea how many hurricanes we’re going to have or where they’re going to go, so worrying about it is completely useless. What good does it do you to worry?”

“See man, it’s people like you who are going to bring a hurricane down on us, with your attitude that it won’t happen here. Mobile’s riding high right now, so that makes us a target. We’re high profile! We’re not meant to have all this good stuff happening. Something bad’s gotta happen to keep things the way they’ve always been. That’s why I think we’re going to get a big hurricane this year,” Trey said.

“So you think we’re going to be punished for getting the Northrop/EADS tanker contract and the ThyssenKrupp plant?”

“Don’t forget about the big racetrack in Prichard, the Bass Pro Shop and all the new Wal-Marts,” Trey said. “Hurricanes love to hate on a Wal-Mart.”

“Trey, that’s crazy. There are still so many cities that have way more than we’ve got, and they’re not getting nailed by hurricanes. Hurricanes are not some kind of means of keeping Mobile a second- or third-tier city,” I said. “If your theory was correct, wouldn’t Houston or Tampa be getting nailed before us?”

“See, that shows just how little you know about hurricanes. Those cities are bigger than us, but they’ve got crappy football teams, so they’re suffering and are protected from the big storms,” Trey said.

“That’s some theory, but it has one problem. Where’s this big winning football team we’ve got that I’m not aware of?”

“All I’ve got to say is Roll Tide, baby! This year’s going to be so good for Bama football you might as well board your windows up right now! Come to think of it, I’ll take a storm if it means another national championship.”

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Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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