By Ashley Toland Editor

Just when I thought I had seen it all at Mobile City Council, a “concerned citizen” brought in 19 new scenes for me, mostly of dudes peeing.

Seriously.

This gentleman lives downtown, near 455 Dauphin St., which has been home to many bars, most recently (and now defunct) Bizmark, (for you old timers, the old Soul Kitchen location, and for you really old timers, the old Southside Music Hall. And it seems like the Bizmark employees enjoyed, um, relieving themselves on his van.

“This was taken to the police,” he told the council. “And the officer told us that they were having a lot of calls to this bar for all kinds of trouble. He said that they were getting ready to investigate this bar with undercover people, and to wait until they were finished before pressing charges on the vehicle urinations. (Is there a statute of limitations on that? He needs to check.) In the meantime, he wanted us to record video and save it for later,” he explained.

And boy did he. Move over Scorcese.

This guy made a well-edited, well-produced 13 minute DVD of footage he had been recording from his apartment for well over a year. There was even an opening scene with a fancy graphic, which looked to be passport stamps. (I’m not sure why he made that choice. I’ll have to discuss it with our film critic Asia Frey). And said intro scene was set to this jazzy 1920s-sounding music. I did the Charleston all afternoon. (Clearly he was trying to take us back to Prohibition. Well done, Oliver Stone. Well done.). And it even had scene selections – with such titles like “Doorway Urination” and “Vomit Girl.”

In addition to the urinations and vomiting, there were a couple of fights and my personal favorite, a verbal altercation where we learn some young gentleman is a word commonly used for kitty cats, at least according to the other gentleman who is screaming that at him. I believe for head-butting him. Our filmmaker entitled that scene, “The Head Butt Blues.”

This is destined to be a classic. Do I smell Oscar? No, I’m sorry – that’s ammonia.

The bar closed recently for various reasons anyway, so why did Spielberg decide to offer the Dauphin docudrama to the council?

Well, he had heard the same kids who owned the Bizmark were planning to incorporate under a different name and re-open. So to try and head them off, he made a passionate and almost lachrymose plea to the council.

“How much more punishment should be endured by the property owners of this block for the benefit of this one property?” he asked.

Soul Kitchen owner Brad Young (who also owns the building at 455 Dauphin St.) confirmed he was in talks with someone who had previously owned a bar downtown (with a sterling record, he added), and it was not the same owners of the Bizmark.

“Clearly, The Bizmark had some management issues, and we have measures to deal with those types of problems. But that location has been a bar for years, and as long as the liquor license has different owners on it, I don’t see any problem with it (reopening),” District Councilman William Carroll said. “There were seven incidents in a year’s time (on the DVD). If you recorded any establishment downtown, you’d get the same thing.”

Look no one is saying any of these acts Fellini recorded are acceptable. When you first look at the DVD, it looks really bad. But after closer examination, you realize all of these acts took place over a long span of time.

The guys who were peeing on the man’s van worked there and had a long, running dispute with him. Clearly, they shouldn’t have done that – so childish. No one should have to endure that kind of behavior. But all the other incidents on the DVD were pretty minor, except a couple of fights. But again, it was well over a year’s time. And it’s a bar. In the entertainment district.

I’m sorry. But if you don’t like sand, don’t live on the beach. If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. And if you don’t like bars, don’t move next to one.

Sure, there have to be limits to noise and urination and vomiting and other drunken tomfoolery. Reasonable limits should be placed and enforced by the police and ABC Board.

But once again, if you move into any downtown area in the country, do you really expect to hear crickets chirping?

In his speech, the gentleman expressed concern for an 85-year-old woman, who had just moved into the Mattress Factory. I’m concerned too, why on Earth would she choose to move there? Maybe she’s a spunky old broad. Or even better – can just turn her hearing aid down. Win – win!

Carroll says there will have to be compromise on both sides.

Residents have to know what they are signing up for when they move downtown, and bar owners will have to be willing to work with the flux of new downtown residents.

“I think we also need to soundproof these old buildings – that’s part of the problem. When ownership transfers or there is new construction, we need to make sure they have some sort of sound barrier built into them,” Carroll added.

To see the video, visit myspace.com/lagniappemobile

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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