Dr. Zodiac

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You will learn more than you ever cared to about a sexual move called “The Rusty Trombone” in coming days. The experience will leave you scarred and fearful of trombone music for the rest of your life. A friend needs good advice. The best advice you can give him is to ask a smarter friend. Either that, or just wing it with some of your patented bad advice.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – A family reunion will have you trying to figure out if it’s OK for third cousins to marry. That’s a tricky question. Dr. Z doesn’t normally advise “keeping it in the family,” so to speak, but the stars point to the kind of harmony here not normally seen in family members who date. In fact, if you agree not to reproduce, the stars seem positively encouraging about your union, as creepy as it is.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – You will develop an amazing affinity for cheap confections from gas stations in the coming days. Honey buns, Ho Hos and cinnamon rolls will tempt you beyond your power to refuse. Of course, this also means larger clothing is in your future. While buying bigger drawers, you will meet a sales manager who will overlook your chubbiness and see the true person within. Or maybe it’s your honey bun smell that intrigues so much.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -Like most buffoons you spent Memorial Day as hammered as a Kennedy while eating tons of pork. The stars say you’ll pay dearly in the coming days, as you’ll develop an allergy to both booze and pork. With this cut out of your diet, you’ll just about starve. An older professional takes an interest in your career for the next few weeks, then realizes you have no talent and moves on to something else.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – The beach calls to you, but so does some serious depilatory application. That unsightly body hair is all that stands between you and a career in the movies!! OK, that’s not really true, but the stars had such mean things to say about your body that I felt I should say something nice. Anyway, whether you’re hairy or not, you’ll be longing for a place in the sandbox in the park near your house no one ever uses. Just be careful of the “hard pieces” of sand. Cats have heard about this place too.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Proof of alien life is about to be offered and it will drastically affect your life. Once the pictures of the aliens go public, you will realize you actually dated an alien for several years while you were in college. Of course, in college you were drinking heavily and huffing furniture polish, so it would have been easy to miss some simple signs, such as hairlessness, large, unblinking eyes and driving a flying saucer. Go get yourself tested for alien VD, for the love of all that’s holy.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – The beginning of Hurricane Season means you’ll soon be boarding up your windows just so you don’t have to do it at the last second. While all the other suckers are busy scrambling for plywood, you’ll be down at the grocery store buying up all the cheap beer. Genius! A second cousin will try to convince you that you’re actually third cousins and it’s OK to date. Be wary. Flipper children are in your future if you succumb.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – A recent trip outside the country is coming back to haunt you. Even though you swore all the boys you chaperoned to Cancun to secrecy, someone will squeal and the whole embarrassing fiasco will become public knowledge. Perhaps it’s best to head the whole thing off at the pass and just go ahead and tell your family and friends that you were arrested at a sexual show involving a donkey because you thought you didn’t get your money’s worth. Then go to rehab.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Here’s Dr. Z’s financial tip of the century – gas is soon going to reach $7 a gallon. Forget about buying a more efficient car, buy a horse. The stars suggest you and a large, hooved beast could form an amazing bond that would define you. Imagine what it would be like riding a horse down the road in the middle of August while everyone else is zipping by burning money by the mile. You’d certainly make a name for yourself. By the way, horse poop can be fuel, too.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Sibling rivalries rear their ugly heads in the coming days at a family reunion. Determined to prove each of you has “still got it,” you and your siblings will take to the basketball court for a spirited round-robin tournament of one-on-one. What will befall is some of the worst basketball ever played. Each of you will realize you ain’t got it anymore. Beware of trying to drive late at night with your knee while eating Taco Bell. Trouble will ensue.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – You’ll be devastated both personally and professionally after being spotted going into the theater to see “What Happens in Vegas.” Some snitch will tell everyone that you saw this dog of a movie and it will ruin everyone’s faith in you. That’s how tenuous things are for you right now – a sorry Ashton Kutcher movie can send your whole rep down the tubes. Tread lightly. A story about a monkey using a robot arm in Japan will cause you to lose sleep.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Your love of the ocean will be reciprocated, in a way, when a pod of dolphins gets a bit frisky while you’re swimming in the Gulf next weekend. These big fellas aren’t all friendly like Flipper, either. Some of them are just plain horny. Your best bet is to keep a fish handy and throw it and swim like hell for shore. A new haircut will make you look like George Clooney, or Rosemary Clooney. Definitely one of the Clooneys.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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