Dr. Zodiac

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Your desires to chauffer Kenny “The Snake” Stabler around and be his buddy may have found some life in the wake of the former QB’s latest DUI arrest. Kenny will be needing someone dependable, smart and savvy, but he still may choose you. On the positive side, if you become The Snake’s driver, you’ll enjoy perks like extra sauce with your Chicken McNuggets and an extra jigger of rum in your boat drinks. On the downside, you may soon need your own driver.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – FEMA’s decision not to deliver ice to storm victims after a hurricane has provided you with a new money-making opportunity. In anticipation of the next “big one,” you’ll put hundreds of cases of beer in the deep freeze and wait. When the power goes out, the beer can be sold at a high price to keep things cool, and will be drinkable once it thaws a bit. Brilliant! The only fly in your ointment is that you and your friends keep drinking your freezing beer before it can get chilly enough.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – The summer heat is already wreaking havoc on your personal smell. This year there’s a twist, though. In years past, it’s been easy to identify what you smell like once you start sweating. This summer, however, there’s a strange new B.O. that’s baffling to even a crafty old veteran like you. Have your friends gather to smell you and offer their impressions. It should be enlightening.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -There are a tremendous amount of A-holes “out there” right now, and they’re making your life miserable. One A-hole in particular happens to employ you and he’s trying to decide whether you actually deserve to work in his crappy firm. Remember, slapping him probably is going to result in less money and perhaps an indictment. Try making yourself more important by bringing those tiny rolls with wieners in the middle to work in the mornings. Nobody fires the wiener person.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Your anger over the Mobile County School Board race is making you tough to be around. For some reason, you’ve come to the conclusion current board member Fleet Belle is not to be trusted, but you don’t know what to do about it. Try standing out on Broad Street with a sign that says, “Fleet Sux.” That’s one way of handling it. But watch out, he’s got lots of relatives who drive past that intersection. Don’t get run over!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Moving is in your future, but selling your existing house isn’t going to be the easiest thing in the world! Lots of potential buyers will be turned off by some of the profane words you’ve painted on the bedroom wall, and others might think it strange that you’ve buried no less than 14 pets in the backyard and given each a tombstone. Think “curb appeal.” Try taking the pictures of “The Bear” out of the front windows and you might move that baby faster.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Your suspicions that you voted using the wrong ballot recently will be confirmed. It will make you wonder why no one noticed Richard Nixon was listed as a candidate for License Commissioner. Speaking of that, you’ll come up with a fantastic way to gain election to that office – Nine-minute Tags! Brilliant. Just think of all those suckers who are tired of waiting 10 minutes for a tag. They’ll beat a path to your door.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – An elderly uncle has a very frightening revelation regarding a camping trip you took together when you were 5. I would say you shouldn’t be frightened, but I’d just be lying to you – much like your uncle did, oh so many years ago. Let sleeping uncles lie and tell him to keep it to himself. That way you won’t find out that it indeed was not a marshmallow in his pocket. Ooops! Sorry if I ruined that one. But there’s lots of other horrible stuff.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – A ghostly visitor will begin playing harmless pranks on you – things like moving your sunglasses to the bowl of the office toilet, leaving the faucet on in the bathroom and pulling up the shades when you’re going “number two.” This needs to end, as you’re spending an inordinate amount of time singing “Ghostbusters” to yourself – which drives ghosts insane, by the way. If you ever want to make a ghost crazy, just sing Ray Parker, Jr. songs until you’re asked to leave by news management.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Sleep will be a rare commodity in coming days and your spouse will wake you in the middle of the night to share amazingly mundane observations and fears, such as hats look cool when you first get them, but it doesn’t take long for them to make you look dumb. Especially if the hat says John Deere on the front. That’s a fine observation, but one that would have just as much strength at 10 a.m. Encourage your spouse to shut the hell up after you’ve been asleep for more than two minutes.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your sex life will begin to suffer in the coming weeks after some cosmetic surgery goes awry. For some reason, no one wants to sex up someone whose skin is pulled up over their brand new, super white chompers. Some moisturizer might help loosen your facial skin a bit, but I wouldn’t count on it. Looks like lonely nights ahead. On the positive side, it will be really easy to brush your new giant teeth.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – In planning your own birthday party, you’ll alienate some of your friends. Perhaps giving them a list of gifts you’d like is a bit too much. Try to calm things down by bringing everyone a surprise – a photo of you in a frame suitable for hanging! They’ll love it! However, don’t be upset if you visit some of these “friends” later and find your thoughtful gift not hanging in a place of honor. There’s no accounting for some people’s taste!

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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