By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

There are a lot of ways to look like an idiot in this world. Opportunities abound in the worlds of fashion, communication, driving, dancing, sports and exercise, just to start the list.

Whether it is that glib phrase that does not come out right to a state trooper or wearing a “Free Mustache Rides” t-shirt to a National Organization for Women fund raiser, or being the drunk guy at the party trying unsuccessfully to get everybody to do the “Thriller” dance or being the lady who drives through town with a good portion of her dress hanging out the door of the car, there are so many regular, analog ways to look like an idiot out there without the help of new technology.

The technology I’m referencing is part of the new frontier in human digital recreation, a group of video games that require as much physical activity to play as they do hand-eye coordination. I’m sure pressure from fat-kid advocacy groups led to the development of some of these get-off-the-couch video games. Specifically, some of the main offenders are “Dance Dance Revolution,” Nintendo’s “Wii Fit” and the game “Guitar Hero.” These games have the chance to raise their players’ heart rates a little but are chock-o-block full of opportunities to make their players look like idiots.

There are many times in peoples’ lives they make themselves look like idiots that are out of their control or at least out of control of their conscious minds, then there are times like playing these aforementioned games when people voluntarily confirm to any onlookers that yes, they are an idiot and are at the time choosing to act like an idiot. Playing any of these games is like drinking through a straw; there is no way to do it and still look cool, trust me.

Now that you’ve tested my theory in front of the mirror with a Big Gulp and your favorite novelty straw, you may not challenge me on this jumpin’ around video game thing. The first offender is the “active” video game that when done right requires the player to look a world-class twinkle toes idiot and it’s called “Dance Dance Revolution.”

DDR requires the player to utilize what is basically a mini-version of the dance floor Tony Manero cut those legendary disco moves on in “Saturday Night Fever.”

When different panels light up on this mini dance floor the player has to put his feet on that panel to complete a dance move. Without much further discussion you can see the inherent danger of looking like an idiot while playing this game. Heck, most of us look silly dancing to real music amongst other bad dancers who are usually too drunk to judge us in the first place. This game is sort of like an electronic Twister on speed, and you remember how dumb people look just playing Twister at regular speed.

Then there is the Wii game system by Nintendo which has the pretty good intention of getting lazy gamers off their assess long enough to mime the actions to sports like bowling , sword fighting, skiing or lots of other real world sports activities. It is important to have these kinds of games because there are piles of folks out there that would never go do the actual sport but will line up to buy a video game facsimile of the activity and get at least the smallest bit of exercise from it.

The danger is that these games might be played in front of others or in a house that doesn’t have the curtains drawn. Either way someone is looking like an idiot. There is even the danger that some do-gooder will be walking by a home and look through the living room window of someone Wii exercising only to call the paramedics believing the player is in the midst of some sort of convulsion.

The previous pair of electronic dork maker machines are mere child’s play when it comes to the final game/electronic device that can make you look like the king of all idiots, and that crown is in the form of the “Guitar Hero” game and all its associated imitators. To those of you that have been leading productive lives and aren’t savvy to the “Guitar Hero” phenomenon, it is the fanciest and most expensive way to play air guitar known to civilization.

Air guitar, which was once strictly the province of teenage boys, is now a widespread affliction courtesy of the “Guitar Hero” family of games. Even teenage boys used to have certain rules about where you could “play” air guitar, to minimize looking like an idiot, but now chances are, there are people you know, relatives even, playing a plastic make believe guitar and really concentrating on hitting the whammy bar just right.

This video game lets people turn what was basically a personality disorder into a hobby or sport, all while looking like a complete idiot. I don’t care how good you are at the game, there is no way to play imaginary songs on a plastic toy guitar and look cool. Not even the love child of Eddie Van Halen and David Bowie could pull that off.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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