By Ashley Toland Editor

Mobile, along with her scrappy country cousins, Irvington and Bayou la Batre, headed up to the dreary land of strong, bitter coffee, Subaru Foresters and sore losers, also known as Seattle, to have a “discussion” with her about the GAO’s recent report that the Air Force made “significant errors” in the bid process, which leaves us with the horrendous possibility of Boeing stealing our tanker contract away.

“Well, I just think we should set the whole dang city on far,” Irvington offered as they neared the Seattle city limits. “Alls we need is a liddle gasoline and some farcrackers.”

“I ain’t wastin’ no five dollars a gallon on no gas. We just need to use somethin’ else,” Bayou la Batre said.

“We can’t burn down Seattle. It’s not the way we roll and plus, we couldn’t do that to Shaun Alexander. He played for Seattle for many years,” Mobile reminded.

“Oh, sh*t. I’m sorry, Mobile. You’re right. I’m so sorry. Roll Tide!” Irvington, apologized.

“Roll Tide Roll,” Batre echoed. “Well whatcha want us to do then pretail?”

“I just want to have a little discussion with her about the trash she is talking about me, and I just want you two there in case she gets scrappy,” Mobile explained.

They pulled to the Needle in a rental and Mobile hopped out. “Ya’ll stay in the car. This shouldn’t take long.”

“Just holler if you need us,” Irvington said.

Mobile made her way up and knocked on the door. There was no answer. She knocked again and finally the granola-looking city answered the door. She was wearing an American flag nightie and smoking an American Spirit cigarette.

“Hello, Mobile,” Seattle said with a smirk. “Did you come here to personally apologize? Really, it’s not necessary. Everett and I will be happy to make our American tankers and never hear from you and your French friends again,” Seattle said as she tried to slam the door in Mobile’s face. But Mobile stuck her foot in the door and pushed her way past the pompous city.

“Oh my God, my eyes,” Mobile screamed as she discovered a naked Lou Dobbs in Seattle’s bed. “What the hell is this, Lou?”

“It’s not like it’s been a big secret that I think Boeing should get this contract, Mobile. These jobs need to go to Americans,” Lou said for the thousandth time.

“Are Mobilians not Americans?”Mobile asked the CNN anchor.

“Well, well, well,” he stuttered. “It’s more about National Security.”

“Lou, just take your Viagra and let me handle this. I’m sure it won’t take long, as I bet Mobile probably has another Mardi Gras parade to get to. You know to celebrate their ‘economic good fortune,” Seattle laughed as she guided Mobile out the door. “Really great timing on that one, Mobile.

She laughed and laughed.

“Whatever Seattle. I just want to set the record straight. Your supporters are acting like lunatics. Holding up signs that say ‘Vindication’ and alleging impropriety and trying to make this an America versus Europe thing. If Northrop Grumman/EADS got this contract, it would give thousands of Americans jobs too, so they know this is all baloney. And all you guys are doing is holding up these much needed tankers from getting to our troops. Now that’s real patriotic!” Mobile defended.

“Who’s the sore loser now?” Seattle mocked.

“No, we’re not sore losers. We are very confident that the KC-45 is way better than Boeing’s 767 and we will ultimately win this thing, but I just wanted to put you on notice – it’s on like a chicken bone,” Mobile warned.

“We’re not scared. We’ve got Congress on our side, too, remember? They can hold this thing up even longer if we want them to,” Seattle reminded. “In fact, as soon as I get done with Lou, I’m headed over to Rep. Todd Tiahrt’s (Kansas) house to ‘personally’ thank him for his little ‘bill,’ if you know what I mean.”

“You’re a total ho bag. At least we’re doing this in an honorable way and our representatives aren’t trying to just outright give it to us, without a fair bidding process.”

“Just go throw some moonpies, Mobile and let me get back to my little Lou Lou,” Seattle said.

“Fine, but this is far from over,” Mobile said.

She made her way back to the car where the country cousins were discussing the difference between a crossover and a station wagon. (They eventually concluded there’s not any.)

“Well, how’d it go? You want us to go mess her up?” Batre asked.

“No. I just lectured her on how honorable we are, so we can’t do that. But Lou Dobbs is in there. I don’t see any good reason why you can’t go kick his old ass,” Mobile suggested.

“Gladly,” Irvington said.

They both screamed “Yee Haw,” as they ran up to the Needle and kicked the door in.

Update: Lou Dobbs suffered extensive brain damage at the hands of Bayou la Batre and Irvington and will continue to offer his inane opinions on this matter on CNN, if anyone cares to watch.

Mobile has turned her attention back to the “Krump” for now.

Irvington and Bayou la Batre have asked not to be bothered again until after football season. Roll Tide Roll!

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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