Dr. Zodiac

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) – After moving into your new home in Midtown you will decide to model your life identically after the people next door. Taking the initiative to buy the same type of dog and entering into a committed relationship with someone who appears to be the long lost twin of your neighbor’s spouse will not be appreciated by your new block mate. When you both schedule a Fourth of July BBQ and invite the same people, things will take an unexpected turn, resulting in your prolific 30-year reign as ruler of the block.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Rising gas prices will force you to peddle imitation meth in west Mobile. After vowing that you’d never under any circumstances try the stuff, you fall into hard times and cave. Unknowingly, the product you’re really dealing is HGH and you begin lifting weights like a maniac and clinch the Major League Baseball home run record. The federal government will model a pro-meth campaign after you, using the slogan, “Life’s too short, don’t be afraid to meth it up!”

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) -This month you will meet and be forced to work with the most irritating person the world has ever seen. Instead of being civil, you attempt to get your new co-worker fired by telling the rest of the office your new enemy says bad things about them. Finally, John the mail guy stabs her with a dull letter opener. Shortly after her untimely death you are promoted to the position of HR director. Beware coffee breath.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Drinking has never resulted in anything positive for you until this week, when, after drowning your sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels, you discover a better drink called water. Five years from now Canada will have a monopoly over the world’s supply and you will digress back to Jack Daniels as if nothing ever happened. Socialism-1, You-0. Keep an old, embarrassing photo of your best friend handy. It will be needed next week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – On a routine walk with your dog you will run across an old friend. Once you’ve exchange pleasantries you remember a time when he slept with a horrid example of the opposite sex and decide to torment him. After a good five minutes of taunting you uncomfortably part ways and suffer from chronic wet dreams for the rest of your life. Speaking of dreams, you’ll have a doozey with a naked John McCain getting jiggy with Keith Olberman. It will haunt your waking moments.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – When you travel 800 miles to visit your mother who lives in a retirement home you will be embarrassed by your cousin who, upon arrival at “the home” begins riding a Rascal up and down the halls screaming “Bring out your dead!” repetitively. The situation escalates quickly when he returns after some time with 35 dead bodies and a bed on wheels that can adjust to the optimal resting position via two buttons. But things will get better when tapioca pudding is served.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – After reading last issue’s horoscopes and becoming envious of all the Geminis and their “Rusty Trombones,” you decide to take action, planning a three-week vacation to Cleveland, Ohio to find out what makes their steamers the best in the nation. You will be disappointed when you return with only a marginal understanding of another popular sexual move called the “Alabama Hot Pocket.” You will never recoup your travel expenses or dignity. You should not have left home.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – You will become the inventor of a new and successful-yet-non-violent self-defense program at a bar this weekend. Instead of retaliating physically to those who torment you excessively, you begin telling them to take their pants off and requesting instigators to tell you about their dad. The parents of scrawny little boys everywhere are grateful, yet also concerned. Thoughtlessly asking someone if you can take their hat when, in fact, their hairdo just looks hatlike, creates a tense situation at work.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Instead of conforming the norms of society, you will soon decide listening to music at an eardrum-popping decibel level is an efficient way to piss off the person in the car next you. Your convictions are so strong, in fact, that when police attempt to cite you for this annoying habit, you are able to convince them everyone else deserves a citation for not making your rear view mirror vibrate. Flossing finally gets the attention it deserves in your life.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – After incessant calling, the 10 minutes have run up in the race to get that one-time infomercial special on an ab lounge. While you’re alright with settling for less than six-pack abs, you absolutely object to the idea of not having six-pack biceps. You will buy a sixer of PBR cans and be happy for eternity. Keep your hands out of others’ pants and things will go better for you.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – “Mr. Pitiful” by Matt Costa will force you to lose your mind. The childish and repetitively annoying piano tune will force you to “stay inside for a while.” While you’ve been left in a pitiful state, as the songwriter obviously intended, you will discover the Bright Eyes song “Road to Joy,” which will leave you with a much more optimistic view of life. You will flower like a color rich azalea in the springtime, whatever the hell that means.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You will make friends with a fat man who loves binge dieting. Don’t be afraid to eat around him, for his appetite returns as long as he is around skinny folk like yourself. If you play your cards right you’ll be in a hot dog eating contest before the end of the month, and you, the skinny person, will emerge victorious.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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