By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

It may be the newest celebrity must-have. It’s not a fancy car, nor private jet, nor a private island, nor an adopted child from some far-flung third world country, but something much more inexpensive, at least monetarily.

By using what mother nature gave you along with some inexpensive electronic technology from Japan people for years have been making this new have-to-have. I’m talking about a good, old-fashioned celebrity sex tape. You know the type, the star and a significant or not-so-significant other in a bedroom tussle caught on tape or digital, saved for posterity as an example of their bedroom proficiency or un-proficiency.

Well these tapes seem to have become, like a purse dog or an arrest record, an accessory for many of today’s celebrities.

The sex tape by its nature is an albatross. Once such a piece of cinematic self-absorption is made it poses more of a danger to the owner than a pleasure. That is except for celebrities whose careers need a little fame B-12 shot. For these folks, a “leaked” sex tape can put them back into the spotlight long enough to restart their popularity or at least long enough to land themselves on some celeb-reality show or late night television product endorsement deals.

For the average citizen, a tape of them in “action” could lead to widespread embarrassment amongst friends and peers and more seriously possibly lead to the loss of relationships and employment. But in the glittery world of the famous and semi-famous, the leaked sex tape is resume-building material.

I wonder if there are celeb supper clubs where after talking politics and a little kid bragging, the conversation turns to stories of each couple’s leaked sex tape? It must be hard for some couples where one member has a leaked sex tape and the other is sex tapeless, to put past relationships completely behind them.

It is just that problem that may haunt one Vern Troyer, as in the guy who played Mini-Me to Mike Meyers’ Dr. Evil in “Austin Powers.” Vern, Mini, pint sized porn star, whatever you want to call him, is the latest fading star to have a sex tape leaked, and other than the feelings of any future significant other, he has nothing to lose in this deal.

He has a chance to extract twenty million bucks from the TMZ till and let people know he is a big enough man to horizontally tackle full-size women. In the lawsuit against TMZ, which is a celeb gossip Web site and also a television show, Verne is suing for damages associated with TMZ leaking a clip of his sex tape on their television show and Web site.

If I were a juror in this case, it would take a lot to convince me Mr. Troyer has suffered any loss of face, fame or finances because of the amorous clip, but then again guys like me never get seated on juries.

There are two types of celeb sex tapes out there, there are the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee/ Paris Hilton and “whatever his name is” type tape, the kind in which pretty people show themselves off. Then there’s the Dustin Diamond (Screech from “Saved By the Bell”) and a couple of gal pals/Verne Troyer and random hot actress type tapes.

The first type is a pretty good publicity mechanism calling attention to the hot looking celebs and letting everyone throw their imaginations out the window as to how these stars look sans culottes. The second and more, at least academically, interesting type of tape is the Mini-Me or Screech type where these guys show the world that they are playing teams that are definitely out of their league.

This is the 2008 digital equivalent to the nerd taking the head cheerleader to the prom, the kind of thing that establishes immediate credibility. Yes, please tell me Mr. Plaintiff’s attorney how a tape of Verne bedding a wanna-be starlet has caused him anything but a sore hand from guys high fiving him as he strolls, with a pimp-limp of course, down the streets of Los Angeles?

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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