By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Somewhere in a government bunker deep inside a secure building in Montgomery, Alabama Attorney General sits huddled with some of his closest aides. The mood is somber as King surfs the Web in an ever-more-agitated manner, reading one post after another aimed squarely at him:

King: Oh God! Now it’s on Perez Hilton’s Web site! That’s national. I’m completely screwed! What’s next, the Drudge Report?

Young male assistant: Oh Troy, don’t get so upset, they’re just a bunch of rumors. Nobody can prove anything, it’s not like anyone has pictures or anything, right? Do you need a back rub to help ease the tension?

King: Not right now. Do you realize there are more than 100 Web sites now carrying this salacious gossip about me? It’s spread like some kind of horrible sexual virus over the past week.

Young male assistant: Ewww, don’t say sexual virus, it gives me the creeps.

King: Sorry, it’s just a figure of speech. I just can’t believe how out of control this thing has gotten. I’m the attorney general, I’m supposed to be above this kind of attack. This is the kind of thing George Wallace did, and no one ever accused him of such things.

Young male assistant: You mean George Wallace was…

King: Hush your mouth boy! That’s not what I’m saying! I just mean George was a man not to be trifled with – the kind of man I’ve always aimed to be. But George didn’t have to put up with a bunch of yahoos on the Internet saying all sorts of hateful things about him. That’s back when a political machine could really put people in their places. That’s the kind of governor I want to be… but now things are just so up in the air.

(The phone rings and is smartly answered by another young male assistant)

Second young male assistant: Troy, it’s Gov. Riley.

King taking the phone: How are you governor? To what do I owe the honor of this phone call? (King listens for about 30 seconds, then explodes) That’s ridiculous governor, I have absolutely zero intention of resigning! Those are just scurrilous rumors being perpetuated by people who are afraid of running against me for governor. I’m surprised and disappointed that you’d buy into all of this, frankly. (He pauses again to listen to Riley speak, then responds in a much more dejected tone) Well, those kinds of things can be doctored up by people who know how to use Photoshop, governor. I don’t even own those type of underpants, and that apparatus you’re talking about is illegal in Alabama. Your concern is duly noted, but I WON’T be resigning my office! (King slams the phone down and goes back to staring at the computer screen.)

King: Oh great, this site has some of the letters I wrote to the Crimson White when I was at ‘Bama. That’s bound to look like overcompensation to some people, especially the part where I say homosexuality is the downfall of society.

Young male assistant: Troy! You wrote that? I’m shocked.

King: Look, I was mostly talking about the really in-your-face gays who are always causing so much trouble. Besides, I was starting a political career. You’ve got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. Sorry.

(The phone rings again. A third young male assistant answers.)

Third young male assistant, whispering with hand over the mouthpiece: Troy, it’s your wife.

King: (Mutters) Oh Jesus. (Puts the receiver to his ear) Hi honey, how are you? (Pause) Yes dear, I know… (Pauses) Yes, I know those are our good sheets. (Pause) I think burning them is a bit extreme. A good washing and they’ll be just fine. (Pause) Yes, I know it was very disrespectful. He should never have put that on – it’s yours. Yes, I know you sleep in it. (Pause) Wait a minute honey, that’s a really, really bad idea. If you file that, anyone can read it. It’s public record and every newspaper in the state will carry it. I wish you’d consider another avenue. (Pause) I think “total sham” is a bit tough. I’ll accept “hypocrite.” I guess I had that one coming. (Pause) Well I don’t know what you should tell them. Just tell them I was having wrestling practice or something. Really, I’ve got to go. Don’t file that paperwork, it’ll ruin me! (Hangs up phone and buries his face in his hands.)

Second young male assistant: There, there Troy, you’re letting all of this completely stress you out. It’s going to give you grey hair! Maybe we could head over to the YMCA and get in a workout. You know how that always relaxes you.

King: Um, that’s probably not a really great idea right now, especially since one of the rumors got started last time we went to the Y. Maybe we should keep our workouts in private or a while.

(The phone rings again and is answered by the first young male assistant.)

Young male assistant, whispering and holding his hand over the mouthpiece: Troy, it’s a newspaper reporter. She wants to ask you about something, but wouldn’t say exactly what it was.

King whispering and looking panicked: Get rid of her! Tell her I’m outlawing a new sex toy or having a political opponent endlessly investigated. Just get rid of her!

Young male assistant: I already told her you’re here. (Hands King the phone)

King: Hello, this is Troy King. (Pauses) I’m not even going to dignify that with a response! Your paper should be ashamed to even think about running such trash. (Slams the phone down)

King: Did that sound convincing?

Second young male assistant: The part where you hung up did.

King: I’m screwed.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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