Dr. Zodiac

Taurus: Monotony or monogamy?

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – In preparation for Mobile’s Beerfest, you will achieve a full-on blackout state each night for one full week. During your nightly blackout sessions you will successfully win the presidential election, travel to the British Virgin Islands and commit hate crimes against a minority that doesn’t exist in the back of a maroon Ford Econovan. If that wasn’t weird enough, you will wake up the morn after Beerfest with those small growths you’ve been hearing about on the radio. Enjoy the free clinic, sucker!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – What is with those cardboard cops? Ever since first hearing about or seeing these pulpified law enforcers you feel as if you’re being circled, and you are. Don’t bother trying to escape as they have already trapped you inside of your commute to and from work. It is simply too late. Keep a silver dollar in your left pocket. Your chances of getting lucky will improve tenfold within an unreasonable time period, leaving you embarrassed and feeling rather silly.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – The summer heat will lead to you’re unemployment when the under qualified branch manager of your business finally acknowledges his long-denied Napoleonic complex. Apparently, sweating in places other than your armpits is no longer acceptable in the workplace. Despite the fact that French chicks have hairy pits and can land modeling jobs, your sorry American existence will be doomed as you become a sewage taste-tester and continue to pursue other socially unacceptable occupations.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The prospect of sitting behind a mechanical school bus stop sign on Old Shell Road for 3 hours is making you go mental. Even though a life inside of an air conditioned office sounds nice, your exploratory instinct grabs hold. This mischievous trait will lead you to the “Job Well Done” portion of the New Plan for Mobile Web site. Ignoring the fact that the site is empty after an extended, anticipation-filled period to time, you continue to wait for several months for new information to appear, and when it does you find yourself gazing at content not intended for persons under the age of 18. Pass GO, collect $200.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – After hearing the phrase, “Keep his stomach full and his balls empty,” you will become the founder of a new religion. Your followers will reproduce rapidly and in significant numbers and will subsequently trust you with all of their investments. Go to Vegas and bet it all on 13-Black. Forget about those who trusted you and start a casino of your own. Lucky numbers- 12, 46 and 75.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) -Months of receiving gifts for a birthday you can’t remember participating in will send you over the deep end when an inflatable George W. Bush doll shows up at your front doorstep. A lifetime liberal and not-so-longtime Chelsea Clinton supporter, you will react with the fervor of Monica Lewinsky at a Bratwurst festival and begin searching under desks everywhere for the culprit. Slick Willy wins again, B*tches! As for the blow up doll? Two words: Deacon Blues..

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Getting back to this Beerfest stuff, why doesn’t Alabama have beer over 6%? Dr. Zodiac feels like the last one he had was well over 29%, and I’m sure you do too, that is of course, if you’re still reading this. Drive to Florida and play the lottery, another luxury Alabamians can’t enjoy. When I’m done bitching about my AA meetings you will have established a successful micro-brewery in one of Dauphin Street’s many, lovely, historic and commercial dwellings. Drink your profit says the AA graduate.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The upcoming Olympic games have you excited to see the world’s best athletes compete in meaningless events such as BMX racing as well as Handball and Tug-of-war (they really did it from 1908 to 1920). The only problem is you feel compelled to create your own new Olympic summer game called “pocket hockey.” This undiscriminating sport can be done anywhere by anyone and will lead to the fall of a 114 year tradition. Eat your heart out George Michael in a public restroom.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Playing with the PhotoBooth program on your Mac will lead to hours of entertainment in the coming days. While it’s effortlessly fun to make your head the shape of a rectangle, awkwardly inward in relation to everything else and the heart of a ray of sunshine, you will wake up one day and realize there is more to participating in life as a mere mortal. Shut the f*ck up and give me 20, says Dr. Zodiac!

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Watching your spouse prepare for a new job while you write the horoscopes for the upcoming issue of Lagniappe makes you realize how nice it is to drink a 12-pack of Yuengling while still managing to be productive. Don’t sweat the details, you’re in for a whole lot of monotony, you jerk! P.S. Beware of the Press Register Hawkers on Airport and University, they’re selling useless lies.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – John McCain’s attack advertisements on Barack Obama, while hip and appealing, don’t hide the fact that McCain himself is an old crazy person. Future running mate, Vice Presidential hopeful Tom Cruise and his Scientology don’t seem to be making much sense either, in fact, they never have! Don’t lose the faith young Republicans, Fox News will make sense of this predicament somehow.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) -The fact that a dog is running for mayor in Fairhope will make you wonder whether the campaign slogan “A leader who licks his peter” could actually work. You will then convince your fellow citizens that this is not a viable option and decide to run yourself. Your campaign will promise to initiate a butt sniffing tax that makes many unhappy. You will spend the coming days waiting to see which other dead celebrities the Press-Register resurrects.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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