By Ashley Toland Editor

Paying a visit to Ichitown

After Mayor Jones and Councilmen Johnson, Carroll and Richardson’s recent trip to one of our sister cities, Ichihara, Japan, Mobile decided to call her up to make sure they behaved.

The phone rings.

Ichihara: Konichiwa

Mobile: Hello Ichi. It’s your American sister, Mobile. How’s it going?

Ichi: Oh Mobile. Me very well. How you?

Mobile: Oh, I’m hanging in there. I just thought I’d call and check and see how my boys behaved on their little visit.

Ichi: Oh they had very good time. They saw our Mobile display in city hall. We have Mardi Gras costume. Very cool.

Mobile: Oh well, good. I was a little worried our taxpayers were going to get peeved that we sent not one but FOUR city officials to Japan. But since they were able to make sure the Mardi Gras display was properly showcased, everyone should be fine with it.

Ichi: Well they did other things, too, Mobile.

Mobile: Oh, Ichi, I’m sure they toured your businesses and industry and such. I wanted some of our peeps to go over and represent, don’t get me wrong. But I think the mayor and one other councilperson would have sufficed. Let me tell you, we’ve got one member who ain’t going to miss a trip, honey. Don’t think my taxpayers aren’t going to make noise about this. (Sigh) But I guess what’s done is done. I’ll just deal with the bellyaching.

Ichi: Fuku sui bon ni kaerazu, Mobile.

Mobile: Excuse me? Well, fuku too, Ichi.

Ichi: No, no, no, Mobile. You misunderstand. In my country that means “overturned water doesn’t return to the tray.”

Mobile: Oh, I see. Don’t cry over split milk. I guess you’re right. Did my boys have any problem communicating?

Ichi: Well, the translator did have some difficulty with Johnson.

Mobile: Oh goodness. I bet he did. He talks in what I like to call a 50-cent word stew. It goes something like this – I would like to ascertain a rationale for the degradation of the situation as it relates or pertains to the affirmation of the nomination of the formation of the citation of the station.

Ichi: Mobile, you funny. He talk just like that.

Mobile: I know. I’ve been trying to translate it myself for the last six years.

Ichi: Well, they did tell us your tanker contract delayed because of that mean, mean Boeing.

Mobile: Yes, we just got the new specs for the re-bidding process, and we are all pretty confident we have the best plane, but you know how it is, Ich, it’s going to get political. Hell, it already is. And all of our buttclowns in Congress, who are more concerned with their own careers, are going to drag this out for-evvvvvveeeeer, while our soldiers are put in danger because the tankers they have now are so old. But who cares about them, right?

Ichi: Muri ga toreba, dori hikkomu.

Mobile: Did you just call us hicks?

Ichi: No, no, Mobile. I mean, some of you are, but what I say was “if unreason comes, reason goes.”

Mobile: Yeah, unreason seems to be on a direct and daily flight to Washington, D.C.

Ichi: Asu no koto o ieba, tenjo de nezumi ga warau.

Mobile: Geez, Ichi. Ingles, por favor.

Ichi: Talk about things of tomorrow and the mice inside the ceiling laugh.

Mobile: OK, you’re still going to have to translate that one.

Ichi: Nobody knows what tomorrow might bring.

Mobile: True, true. I’m sure this contract will be awarded by the time we’re fighting an alien invasion.

Ichi: Don’t be so down. We change subject. What else is going on with your council? They didn’t tell us much. Or maybe they try and we just didn’t understand.

Mobile: Well it seems they’ve become booze Nazis lately.

Ichi: Huh?

Mobile: You know, our bars have to apply for a liquor license through the city. And let me just say if you live in the western part of our city, we like to call it WeMo, and come to council and bring your whole church congregation and have your pastor speak of the hellfire and damnation an establishment will cause your church and everyone around it, then our council will illegally deny a liquor license. But if you live downtown or your church is say, around Virginia Street, and the congregation doesn’t want a liquor store, the council will say we “can’t just deny liquor licenses, because you don’t choose to drink alcohol. There are laws we have to follow.”

Ichi: That doesn’t sound very fair.

Mobile: No it’s not. And like we say in my country and especially on my council, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

Ichi: Yes, I did hear them say that. I just thought they hungry.

Mobile: Hey, Ich, how do you say “practice what you preach?”

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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