By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

Fatties getting hit by state

As most of you have probably heard by now, Alabama once again was near the top of one of those lists we really don’t want to be atop of – the list of fattest states.

No, we weren’t tops, that honor goes to the lardasses over in Mississippi, who apparently are eating pancakes slathered with mayonnaise and topped with gravy for breakfast each day. ‘Bama waddled into third place behind those tubs in West Virginia, and just ahead of Louisiana. Can’t really blame Louisiana though, can you? It’s really not a fair fight when you’re trying to stare down the food in the Bayou State.

That’s not to say we don’t have some pretty damn good grub here in Alabama the Big and Beautiful. I certainly haven’t been leaving anything on my plate when I go out to eat. Frankly, having lived in three of the four fattest states, I can attest to the fact that our food is one of the reasons we have a bit of trouble keeping the pounds off in this area of the country. It’s probably a lot easier to stay thin in places like Colorado – the skinniest state – where they eat sticks, granola and snow.

But really the point of this column isn’t to try to discuss Alabama’s need to buy some larger pants – although, someone should show ‘Bama a picture of herself from the rear. Yikes! – it’s to discuss a new policy that affects those of us who only know about our feet via rumor or memory. More specifically, it affects those Alabamians who work for the state government and also know by heart the entire list of toppings you can add to your Waffle House hash browns. (I know there are a few after “chunked,” but can’t remember them.)

Seems the state is tired of paying extra for its tubbier employees’ healthcare, so the State Employees’ Insurance Board has come up with a plan to charge fat workers something for livin’ large. Last week this board told the more than 37,000 people it represents to put down the bearclaws and Nutty Buddies, and to put on some running shoes. Otherwise they’ll be charged $25 a month for insurance that used to be free.

Specifically, the new mandate says workers will be charged the $25 per month by 2010 if they don’t take advantage of free health screenings offered by their employer. THEN, if they’re found to have serious problems with blood pressure, weight, cholesterol or glucose, they must enroll in a wellness program and show some progress by the following year’s screening. If these workers don’t join the program, or don’t show progress, they’ll be charged.

The departure point for getting charged is having a body mass index (BMI) of more than 35, which means you’re too large to drive a VW Bug, but still small enough that you haven’t been offered employment in a circus.

By the way, the state’s already doing this to workers who smoke, in an effort to get them to stop, so the precedent has been set. But it’s still kind of strange to think about your employer spending time worrying about how big your undies are.

Certainly I understand the logic these bureaucrats are using to hammer their plus-sized employees. Obesity leads to chronic problems, which leads to doctors’ bills and missed time at work, which leads to decreased productivity. Perhaps the real shocker here is that anyone in government might be worried about productivity, but that’s an entirely different column. The problem I see here is the slippery slope we’re no doubt headed down.

OK, Alabama offers its state workers “free” insurance as an incentive for them to take what is traditionally lower-than-average pay, but now that insurance isn’t free if you smoke or have a backseat full of Thickburger wrappers. The state has recouped its losses from a couple of high-risk employee groups, but what about the rest of them? Smokers and their portly friends aren’t the only ones who hit the insurance hard. Looking down the road, it’s easy to see where this could (and will) go.

Drinkers are the next on the list. I’m sure there’s some pencil-pusher already working on a Drink Per Week Index that says anyone who drinks more than five beers a week, or three whiskeys or one shot of tequila is in line for a $25 monthly charge. Face it, drinkers are prone to all sorts of things that could land on the insurance card. Liver, heart and stomach problems are only the beginning of the laundry list of risks associated with heavy drinking.

Imagine how many times the state has paid for some drunk’s broken nose to be fixed after he got mouthy down at Norm’s Place, or the times the insurance card has been dinged for a shot of antibiotics after that same employee got blitzed and took home Norm’s resident skank, Lucy. That says nothing of the amount of broken bones the state paid to fix after some drunk employee smashed into the garage door coming home from a night of boozing.

So pretty soon, state workers are going to be getting sniffed for beer on their breath. But it probably won’t stop there.

I can see a point at which the state is hitting employees $25 a month for being rednecks. After all, the gun toting, four-wheeler driving, fist-fighting, constant arguing, crappy car driving and large animal riding, combined with the massively heightened amount of domestic violence, is bound to rack up some impressive hospital bills. Workers will start having to hide their rebel flag belt buckles just to avoid being tagged for $25 a month.

Frankly, I wonder if the geniuses on the State Employees’ Insurance Board might not need to assess themselves a $25-a-month premium while they’re at it. If they keep singling out groups of employees for ridicule and financial punishment, one of those folks is likely to sit on them. And that’s bound to run up a hell of a doctor’s bill.

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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