Dr. Zodiac

Taurus: Odoriferous much?

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – A slew of recent politically-related sex scandals will continue when a Fairhope mayoral candidate, Willie Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane is found viciously humping you in a park. Shortly after landing in jail for lewd conduct, the red rocketeer will find comfort and courage in the advice of his new cell mate, former democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards. Years from now, his autobiography, “Ruff Ruff Ruff, Bow Wow. The Story of Willie Bean Roscoe P. Coltrane,” will offer you the sincerest of apologies.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Relatively innocent showboating by a Jamaican Olympic sprinter will leave you with your jaw on the ground. Face it, you’re inspired! During the next few days at work your behavior will leave many feeling uncomfortable and some, just downright hurt. Everything will come to a head when you challenge your boss, a man 30 years your elder, to a 100-meter race. After he begins the early stages of a stroke 10 meters in, you’ll call him a number of different profane names followed by a swift kick to the ribs. You will befriend a homeless man in coming months and you will see eye-to-eye.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – After a horrid dating experience involving a treacherous case of bad breath, you will spend some time contemplating your future as a scholar. You decide that devoting your life to educating others can wait when you discover an insatiable urge to publish a book of wise sayings. Your first words of wisdom: It is nice to meet lady in park, but better to park meat in lady! Then again, maybe you should have gone with: Baseball wrong. Man with four balls can’t walk!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – The possibility that you will name your first-born Todd will prove to be worse than the music of The Jonas Brothers. The unfortunate prospective name choice will lead to a timid, cowardly personality. Simply going by his middle name could be a good alternative if it wasn’t the equally embarrassing Barry. Todd Barry Toddbarryson will most likely find a career as a self-help counselor or infomercial host before spiraling into an incredibly deep, deep depression. Take the day off from work, go out of your way to meet a loser named Todd and avoid the situation before it’s too late!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) -After a week with the kids back at school, your mate will begin meeting you for lunchtime quickies again. The only problem with this new routine is that you’ve got hardly anytime for lunch! Fast food is never considered because grease doesn’t make any person on this planet feel sexy. Consider freshly tossed salads to solve both your hunger and self-esteem issues. Flossing will become increasingly important until next summer.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Your boss begins making you feel uncomfortable while trying to convince you that, contrary to the claims of others, they aren’t a racist. Comments beginning with, “Those people,” will be tossed around during the denial and reasoning stages followed by a discussion about different inappropriate labels for various races during the acceptance stage. The stars say the true victim of the claim against your boss is satire. Don’t fret, a trip overseas and plenty of pictures of your employer embracing people who don’t “look like us,” will help to clear things up.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – The weekly “staff birthdays” e-mail at your place of employment will contain an oversight. This isn’t a problem as your turning 30 isn’t something you wish to share with all your co-workers. Thankful for inadvertent mistakes, and also feeling as if you slipped through the cracks gracefully, your face will turn a new shade of red when you realize your boss is playing an prank and feels you deserve your own “Turning 30” e-mail. As certain as death and taxes you realize your boss is turning 50 within a year’s time and you begin plotting immediately. Steer clear AARP’s newest member!

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Purely by chance, you will meet broken and unsuccessful former presidential candidate John McCain at a class of 1988 Young Republicans reunion seven months from now. Instead of telling you about how he could have been the mastermind behind a plan to revitalize social security, McCain begins murmuring things like “I fart dust,” and pretending to magically pull quarters from your ear. You will be relieved that Ralph Nader won the presidency when you find out McCain’s magic trick was also his plan for social security. But why would an old man lie about farting dust? And, how does Nader plan to revitalize social security by growing plants?

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Feeling ignored? That’s because people think you’re annoying and smelly. Do everyone a favor and drop one of your “staple” offensive catch phrases, or better yet start showering on a daily basis. Even though people will continue to dislike you, they’ll begin to tolerate your presence in extremely small doses. After all this work, you might suffer an identity crisis or even a nervous breakdown, but a well-timed haircut will bring excitement to your sex life.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – You’ve been buying dirt on the company credit card again. Not only is this behavior unacceptable, but this time you’ve been caught. Your boss makes you aware that they’re on to you, but at the same time kindly offers you a chance to pay the company back. Figuring that your superior’s solution seems boring, you make a threat on their life. In some circles this behavior would be classified as typical of a sociopath. But, what the hell do you care? You’ve got a sh*t ton of dirt!

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) -A dream involving flashbacks from high school will bring you to the realization that, yes, those were the best years of your life. Who could forget all the emphasis placed on being a part of the right clique, experimenting with overpriced drugs, listening to the right music no matter how bad it really was and using other people for personal gain. In an immediate panic you begin to undo everything you’ve accomplished since graduating 15 years ago. Gone are the days of 9-5 corporate America, working in the yard and bathing your children at night. It’s time to party, losers!

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Your threats to “do something” to a business rival fall quite flat when you’re canned in the coming days for banging one of your employees. Ooops! Despite the embarrassment, you and your lover find time to screw up the company Web site and change everyone’s e-mail password to “penislips.” It’ll take them a week to crack that one. In the meantime, you and your squeeze have all the time in the world to open a shop specializing in exotic sexual beads. In the end, everyone will be happier.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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