Mobile Magnified

Oh my exhausted little Mardi Gras revelers! You really have outdone yourselves this year. There was so much debauchery, I really couldn’t keep up and, of course, I was drunk, too. But I think this stuff is fairly accurate; my notes were a little hard to read. So curl up on your Lenten sofas under your Lenten chenille throws and nibble on some leftover nanner moonpies and some Boozie bites.

Bitter Ball

WABB hosted their first “bitter ball” at the Lafayette Plaza Hotel for all the lonely hearts in town on Valentine’s night. Our single spies who attended said they weren’t bitter before they went in, but after being hit on by some interesting characters, they were a smidge bitter coming out.

One spy was harassed by a guy who the ladies dubbed Cheesy Mustache Man. CMM probably got the idea he wasn’t getting anywhere when his spy laughed after he asked her if she had any kids.

Spy #2 was excited when she first started talking to a really cute guy who was “dressed like a liberal.” But she soon found out that though he may have been dressed like one, he certainly was not. In fact, he even complained about the “liberals” who insisted that the Shaw High School rebel be painted a neutral brown color, so you couldn’t distinguish if it was black or white.

He was also proud of the fact that he purchased all of his papers for school on the Internet, so the ladies called him the Plagiarizer. The third spy immediately angered the guy she was talking to. After telling her that he managed a pawnshop, she joked that he must see a lot of stolen merchandise. This did not amuse him. In fact, he began ranting about how that was a common misconception, and he was tired of hearing that. Sorry Pawnshop Guy!

The guy who seemed to have the most luck was a tiny, older man, who was wearing some sort of skipper’s hat. He kept bringing lady after lady out to the dance floor for a whirl.

The ladies said that even though they didn’t make any love connections, the event itself was very nice. There was great food, booze, decorations and music by Hamelin. Maybe if our spies are still available next year, they will have better luck at the bitter ball.

Rasp on the mend

Much of downtown Mobile is still buzzing about the Feb. 18 attack on Heroes Bar & Grille owner David Rasp that led to the arrest of three jerks who came into the big city from out in the county and got in some big trouble. Rasp was repeatedly kicked and beaten and took some bad knocks, but he’s back to being as cantankerous as ever.

Rasp was attacked early in the a.m. while getting into his vehicle. He doesn’t remember much about the lead-up to the attack, but says the suspects were engaged in some sort of altercation already when he walked into the parking lot. Rasp is doing much better and should be back harassing his employees at full power soon.

As for the three suspects, let’s hope they get some jail time and some large, horny cellmates.

Antiques on the road

Break out great Aunt Tillie’s china, it seems “Antiques Road Show” may be making a stop in the Azalea City. The popular PBS show that features professional appraisers determining the value of random things people have shoved in their attics. We hear it will make a stop in Mobile sometime in July. I have this lovely set of authentic Robert E. Lee shot glasses I’m just certain are worth a fortune.

Observer observed

We thank the Mobile Register’s Masked Observer for his kind and humorous mentions of Lagniappe’s drunken columnists in his Mardi Gras columns. I spotted the Observer several times over the past several days high atop his Mobile Register float. Strange thing though, the Observer seemed to morph bodies several times, looking almost like a totally different human being on some occasions. It probably has something to do with his mystic abilities.

Farewell Observer for another year. Load up on some tomato juice and Extra Strength Tylenol, and we’ll see you next year.

Overheard…

Some local politicos and political wannabes were overheard at a Young Republicans meeting discussing the drunken antics of one of Mobile’s top GOP office holders at the recent Chili Cook-off.

These men were said to be aghast at this officeholder’s drunken public behavior, which allegedly included sloshing beer all over himself at the cook-off.

Hey, cut him some slack guys. At least he didn’t run over anyone.

Wile E. Coyote

OK, I will admit I laughed heartily at the Mobile Register’s recent article reporting an Oakleigh resident’s alleged sighting of a coyote in the “Sea Level Springhill.” But in a bit of a post-parade alcoholic haze the other night, Boozie may have seen the afeared creature with her own bloodshot eyes.

All I know is it wasn’t a cat and didn’t quite look like a dog. Oh, and the ACME rocket skates on its feet were a dead giveaway, too. Maybe I need to stop drinking…. Naaaaaahhh!

Register dissidents return

Speaking of the Register, several of its former stars were in town over Mardi Gras, many to celebrate the 40th birthday of former director of photography Kii Sato at the Riverview Joe Cain Day.

Sato and his wife Monique Curet – a former Register staffer herself – came in from Columbus, Ohio, where all good Register employees seem to go when they decide they want to freeze their butts off. Joe Danborn, who works with Sato in the Columbus Associated Press office, flew in and sported a ridiculously large hat all day. Also in attendance was Mike Wilson, who now covers cops for the New York Times.

OOMs in bad shoes? Nooooo!

We hear at the ultra blue blood OOM reception on Joe Cain day that at least one lady was sporting flip-flops with her suit while another was wearing tennis shoes. The popular topic of conversation was if the media was going to give a certain congressman who recently joined the organization a hard time about it. We’re still thinking about it.

Well that’s all I got for now. Please don’t give up your evil ways for Lent or else I could be out of a job. And just remember whether it’s rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous or just some plain ol’ Cheesy Mustache Man lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

Archives