Dr. Zodiac

Libra: So long youth!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Despite the fact that you’re a steadfast Democrat, Sarah Palin’s hotness factor is driving you insane. Bill O’Reilly will convince you that your pro-choice stance is worth waffling over in the coming days. The stars are telling Dr. Zodiac that you shouldn’t worry about the sex life of an unwed 17-year-old and focus your energies on finding holes in Barack Obama’s qualifications for president. All of the things on your to-do list will be set aside when your discover about a quarter of a Snickers bar in your closet

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Holy F*ck! You’re going to be in your 40s soon! Kiss any notions of youth goodbye and move on with it already, you are a parent! You’ve hung in there this long, it’d be a shame to lose it now! There will always be attorney generals and friends to out and chain newspapers to bash. Hang in there buddy. Stay away from bowling leagues and liver disease. Welcome to the world of light beers and uncomfortable exams.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 -Nov. 21) – Opportunity will knock on your front door this month, but only if you prove to everyone you know that you’re ambidextrous. After a serious mix up in the bathroom with a stranger, you will find it necessary to wash your hands for a week straight. The mercy of others and some good luck will allow you to sign your name with your left hand, but don’t count on the stink finger attracting any members of the opposite sex.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Too many encounters with your therapist outside of the office will force you to seek psychological help from someone new. After a lengthy bout with obsessive compulsive disorder you feel like you’ve made some ground, but then your new therapist informs you that you’re just a “clean” person. Questioning everything your old therapist told you leads to a rebellious period in your life. You will set your goals high by aspiring to get the new “trendy” venereal disease going around. Baw to the Baw, Baby!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – The start of football season has you screaming “Roll Tide” at the most inopportune moments. You will deal with your new problem by developing a serious chip on your shoulder. After beating up anyone that looks at you funny during a “moment” you’ll feel more powerful than ever, but you still have a score to settle. Sleeping with an Auburn fan of the opposite sex will cause you much grief and satisfaction at the same time. War Eagle!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb.18) – A fear of touching others will oddly subside when you join the peace corps. Touch-happy and ready to take on the world, you find yourself in a foreign land’s prison for disorderly conduct as a result of making contact with an extremely vulnerable person. Fortunately, the other person, not only didn’t mind, but didn’t press charges. Take a vacation to wherever you find elation!

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – A small break between hurricanes provides you with the chance to learn to speak with a British accent and be found weeks later in a crazy person “hotel.” Being known as the one who is “always asking for a pint” leads people to think you’re actually British, besides the fact that your history on paper tells everyone you’re from Tillman’s Corner. After a trip to the gun range, you find your whereabouts and enter back into the goings on of everyday society in Lower Alabama..

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Your new interest in skyline panorama photography upsets you as a citizen of the city of Mobile. The recent approval of the new annexation plan is just one more tally toward another vacant skyscraper in downtown and that makes you happy as sh*t. When the rednecks try to ruin it all, you’ll address city council and earn the respect of everyone in the name of fine art. Will they give what they say they’re going to give? We may never know.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – While giving an out-of towner intentionally wrong directions you realize you’re a terrible person. Sending your new pal to a building with big-titted sphinx instead of Sammy’s, home of the “South’s finest showgirls,” will place you in the middle of a serious guilt trip. Speaking of guilt trips, good luck explaining you’re role as the mastermind behind the plan to find oil in the Middle East. Dick Cheney thanks you for your services, and the last, final monetary gain.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Shooting yourself in the head with a nail gun will turn out unexpectedly bad, you crazy person, you. Instead of getting rid of that migraine, you’ll cause several other problems in your life, most prominently, having seven nails in your head. Everything will be OK when you count back from 100. Stay away from sheep and the bright light. Things will be marginal at best. Lucky numbers, 12, 39 and 47.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)- Falling in the shower sucks, but it will find a new and valuable purpose of its own when you save a silver dollar from falling down the drain. Luck will stay on your side if you eat nothing but cheese for the next 11 days. Find a new calling in life by donating your earnings to the Adult Bed Wetters Association of America. Avoid streams, lakes and generally large bodies of flowing water.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22) – The ABC showed up to find you last night while you were out to eat at a downtown establishment. Close call to say the least, but they’re silly for missing you. Dancing between two attractive people helped you in your immediate predicament, but how will it help you when you find out you’re a compulsive dancer? The Macarena will come back to haunt you in a serious way. Have fun dancing to sh*tty songs for as long as you can pull it off, and even a little longer!

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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