Dr. Zodiac

Libra: Kid Rocket scientist…not

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – At the suggestion of Mr. Rock, you’ll find yourself smoking funny things and trying funny things and drinking whiskey out the bottle. Who knows, you might even rip off a Skynyrd riff. Unfortunately for you, you’re 45 and acting like a 17-year-old Bob Ritchie is going to get you banished from the hizzy. One Rock suggestion might work out though. Call up your old high school sweetie and get that going again. Sure your spouse might frown upon it, but it’s rock-n-roll – someone’s bound to get hurt!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – A tall and good-looking lead singer will cause you to swoon in the coming days. Despite his chiseled jawline and great sense of humor, a serious panic attack will leave your knight in shining armor acting weird and awkward. Good for him! Vulnerability turns you on even more. The only problem is, he’s only vulnerable when hooked on cat tranquilizers. The stars are telling Dr. Zodiac that you need to make friends with a veterinarian to make this one last.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – The life of an independent musician is rough, but that doesn’t stop you from breaking onto the scene with your new single “Wet Cat Food Diet.” Despite collaborating with Willy Nelson, Usher, Billy Gibbons, Diddy, Matt Costa, Bonnie Raitt, Bono, Thom Yorke and Kanye West, your future becomes doomed when people find out you’ve been actually been eating out of a used and recently abandoned litter box. Turns out the only thing that smells like cat piss and interests music industry big wigs is the danky-dank. Keep it going for the cause or you’ll be flipping burgers at McDonald’s in no time.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Running around Bienville Square calling every unattractive person you see a “Butta Head” will only please the C City Riders and an individual with a head covered in a thick layer of 100 percent delicious butter. Your infatuation will cease to be when you’ve consumed over 10 pounds of butter and realize your new prospective mate is indeed a “Butta Head.” An extended stay in the hospital, the result of suffering a rather serious heart attack, will render you unable to understand any genre of music other than rap and doing commercials with Fabio.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – A series of misunderstandings will lead you to a Kid Rock concert where you’ll find yourself 35 dollars in the hole on the Saturday of BayFest. Enraged at the fact that you used all of your drug money to see Kid Rock instead of scoring some crack rock, you’ll demand a spot on Sir Rock’s tour bus. It’s a good thing you weren’t trying to get your fix near another performance that night, although Dr. Zodiac has never heard of these butt cherries all the kids are raving about.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – After the members of Caddle instruct you to mix gasoline and nitro you’ll become a diehard pyro. Your efforts to provide BayFest with a fireworks display will not be appreciated by the authorities and your ability to sweet talk the police into letting you go will result in nothing but a less than stellar sparkler display. Give up you country punk you. A very lame corndog will bring you waaaaay down.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – Nelly’s powerful lyrics will be blamed when sections of downtown begin to spontaneously combust during his performance of “It’s Getting Hot in Here.” After the appropriate paperwork has been filed the original suspected cause will be proven wrong. In a most unusual turn, authorities will discover the fires were actually caused by the reflection of the sun on the various “grills” being exposed by grinning Nelly fans. Lil Bow Wow will be apprehended with a magnifying glass in hand while crouching over a pile of dead ants and burnt leaves. Job well done.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Completely disappointed that Avenged Sevenfold (Sevenwho?) decided to bail out of BayFest, you’ll skip town for good after telling your spouse you need to go on a ride and think about life. At the end of your soul searching, you’ll find yourself out of gas somewhere in the middle of Mississippi talking to a man who claims to know the band. After 30 minutes and a dirty incident with a drifter you’ll be lead to the Avenged Sevenfold meth trailer where you’ll find a group of disgruntled musicians complaining about not being on the cover of Lagniappe.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Just the name “Vibration Configuration” brings back many terrible memories of lonely Friday nights in high school, loser. Once you’ve decided to consider confronting your fears about anything that requires configuration before any real vibration ensues, you’ll immediately black out from anxiety. Waking up in the middle of a gripping O’Jays performance will make you feel a sense of social and political impact on generations and nations unlike anything you’ve ever felt before.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) -After a “Hootie” chant breaks out during the Darius Rucker performance, the solo artist will throw a fit, his guitar and a few expletives in the direction of the crowd. Many people will find this objectionable, but don’t fret, a quick phone call to a certain lawyer in town will result in a substantial monetary gain on your behalf. With no options left, “Hootie,” will be back on the Senior PGA tour singing erectile dysfunction jingles and going to bed early just to get by.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – Worried by a dream about Meatloaf, you’ll be forced to write music furiously in the coming weeks. At the end of your marathon creativity session you’ll be surprised to find that you’ve accomplished nothing other than doodling about 1,000 copies of what appears to be a snake eating another snake. The psychological interpretation of what this means is disturbing. Seek help quickly.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Reading many of the bios about BayFest musicians who grew up in small towns in the Midwest only to succeed and make mediocre amounts of money has you feeling a little bit worthless these days. Don’t take it personally, you’re from a boring place and your window of opportunity for an exciting life has long since been shut. There’s simply nothing you can do. Buy a new sports car and pretend to be someone else for a week.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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