By Ashley Toland Editor

Editor’s Note: Consumed with greed after the mega-hit success of “American Idol,” Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell decided to begin offering their unique and famous brand of advice to not just wannabe pop stars, but also local politicians. The Mobile City Council, who will spend money on a study like most of us will on a pack of gum, decided to hire the trio to see what insight they could offer on the new mayor’s, as well as their own, performances. This is how it went down.

Mayor Sam Jones: Well, how do you think I’m doing?

Randy: You know, for me, dawg, it’s been just an average performance so far. I mean there are other first-term mayors out there who bring it, and you just ain’t bringin’ it, dawg. And with as much experience as you had, we would have expected you to hit the ground running like the RoadRunner, dawg.

But, I’m seeing something more of a creep – like you’re just creeping along, like a slug or something. I think you’re doing OK, but it just hasn’t been that memorable of a performance for me. You need think about your project selection and really wow the voters with something sexier than 173-page citizens’ committee reports and $60,000 civic center studies. Your audience wants sexy, and I just don’t think you have that yet.

Paula: Randy, I disagree. Everything about him is sexy. I think he’s this big teddy bear that I just want to squeeeeeeezzzzzeee and cuddle up with, and I think Mobilians will, too. And he’s just so full of love. I really love your idea for the “Love Your Neighbor” campaign because believe me, I, personally, love to love my neighbors. It’s just so sweet. I just love him. I think I want to have sex with him.

Simon: Utterly forgettable.

Crowd along with Paula: Boooooo!

Simon: Well, it has been. Look, when you follow a very popular mayor like Mike Dow, your leadership style can’t be less exciting than watching a tree grow, and right now, honestly, I’d spend my money on the tree. At your last performance at the city council meeting, just about the only thing you said was “Let’s have a safe Mardi Gras by remembering to stay behind the barricades.”

What the hell was that? You should have been saying what a huge economic impact the carnival was having on the city and how you were going to apply that pot of gold into building a golden arch over the bay or something. And like Randy said that, Transition Team report was a complete waste of time.

Randy: Wait, Simon, I didn’t say that.

Simon: Well, it was. I mean, I’m sure everyone was very well meaning and worked very hard. But let’s just wait and see what all gets done. I think, too, you need to keep in mind the candidates you ran against who couldn’t open their mouths without screaming “basic services” didn’t get elected.

The people who put you in office are the ones who wanted visionary leadership, who wanted you to take the torch Dow tossed to you and run around the world with it, developing new public/private partnerships and promising a better, more progressive Mobile. Granted, it’s still relatively early in this competition. I really think you have time to turn this around. But, if you don’t, I don’t think you will make it through to the next round in three years.

Paula: I still think I want to have sex with you.

Crowd screams.

Mobile City Council: How are we doing?

Randy: You know, you guys are my dawg pound. And for the most part I like what I’m seeing, dawgs.

Dawg Pound (AKA council): HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO, HOO!

Randy: William Carroll, I hear you’ve been out having meetings and providing District Two with the first real leadership they’ve had in 16 years. So, good job, dawg. Ben and Connie, you know, I dig that you both were like, we cant really get anything done anymore, so we’re just going to go run for state senate. Right on. And CJ, I love the way you and Ben have been working together lately. It seems like you two have developed this quiet respect for each other, and that’s been a beautiful thing to watch.

And Reggie, I mean it’s clear you’re trying to establish your sports legacy before you finish out your last term, and that’s cool. You probably deserve that, dawg. Fred’s always my dawg, cleaning up his district, beat by beat, street by street, house by house, dawg by dawg. And Gina has been rockin’ it in Seven. You guys are my dawgs. I think this is the best group of councilors we’ve ever had.

Paula: Oh, Randy. I absolutely agree. But I would like each of you to go ahead and straight up now tell me if you are going to love me forever. Oh, oh, ohh. Or am I just caught in a game of hit and run?” with all of you? Are you all just having fun?

Simon: Paula, what the hell are you talking about?

Paula: Simon! I’m just trying to find out which ones of them will stay with me after I have sex with them. Dr. Phil says I pick partners who fear commitment.

Simon: People have sex with you and leave you because you are a dirty prostitute who throws herself at everybody. They fear the commitment to once-a-day Valtrex.

Paula (hitting him spastically): I hate you! I hate you!

Simon: I’m sorry, it’s true.

Paula: Fine: Do you want to go have sex in council chambers?

Simon: No.

Ashley Toland is Lagniappe editor. Contact her at ashleytoland@lagniappemobile.com.

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