Dr. Zodiac

Scorpio: Beware ‘Hot Carl’

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23) – Ordering items that aren’t on the menu at your favorite restaurant might seem fun, but you’re making your waiter’s first night a living hell. Justice will be served when you’re given ramen noodles instead of shrimp and pasta. Stay away from any older man running for president. If you don’t ignore the geriatric, you’ll be the next “Joe the Plumber” and the media will rip your credentials apart. Take a bubble bath with an old foe this week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – The stars are telling Dr. Z that you’ll fall victim to several off-color jokes this Halloween. When a member of your neighborhood association tells you they’re throwing a phallic costume party, you’ll begin planning to be the “biggest” surprise of the soirée. This will not only prove to be a terrible mistake, but you might become the subject of a “Hot Carl” or two. Find relaxation in a cup of warm tea, but make sure you see the tea bag before you drink anything.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) -Watching the new “Sex and the City” movie will make you realize that a bunch of skanks in New York aren’t worth the dollar you paid to rent the flick. When you tell your spouse your true feelings an unreasonable amount of rage will rear its ugly head. At least Sarah Jessica Parker has nice legs. Go to sleep early and hire a lawyer. You’re going to be filing for a divorce earlier than you thought. Lucky lawyer names: Goldberg, Frankincense and Murstein.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Spanking has earned a new spot in your daily routine. Apparently, before going to work, you’ve begun to feel the need to spank, spank, spank away. Your habits aren’t as dirty as they sound, but only because your kid is a real pain in the ass. Look up pictures of Kirstie Alley and never visit the World Wide Web ever again. You’ll feel the need to go to law school and begin suing everyone you know before you get a handle on what happened.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) – Feeling like one of the “undecided voters” from the audience of the second presidential debate, you’ll feel the urgent need to make a decision within hours of reading this. You’ll elect to ignore the conventional process of logical reasoning in favor of flipping a coin. McCain looked like he was wandering around a little too much the other night, but don’t let Obama’s swagger fool you. It’s all a scam! Think about buying a nice coloring book and living in a padded room for a while. This whole thing has been going on waaay too long.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20) – So, you’re making the big move into one of Mobile’s Historic Districts next month. Don’t be worried about making neighbor friends or anything like that. Everyone will understand you’re out to make a pal or two when you unveil the ultra deluxe telescope you bought at the age of 16. Dr. Z thinks the stars should be looking at you! Don’t cut down any trees or you’ll look like a creep. You might want to diffuse a potentially raucous situation with a bottle of wine.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) – While hard liquor might be nutritious, beer is certainly more delicious! Begin drinking a lot in the coming days, it will help you deal with situations you don’t quite feel prepared for. Marry a person with three arms and things will get finished quickly. Dr. Z thinks your future might be brighter shucking corn in Illinois, mining coal in Pennsylvania or wrestling crocodiles in Key West. Lucky numbers: 1, 5, 11, 36, 95 and 103.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) – Wearing designer jeans will make you feel like part of an elite social group this week until you notice a poor person wearing jeans with the same holes as yours. Forget about the $123 extra you spent and worry more about the social injustice you’re causing. The tax break McCain is offering will allow you to save more for jean money in the first place, but Obama’s plan will give you a better tax return. Vote based on your opinion of time and how it passes.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21) – Even though Thanksgiving is the time for cranberries and turkey, you’ll find yourself getting ready for an especially financially conservative Christmas! When your little cousins ask where their $25 is, tell them to go fly the crappy plastic kite you got them. If you’re having an extra hard time dealing with the season’s bums, go ahead and do something crazy and illegal, forcing you to spend the weekend in jail without collecting $200 for passing go. Take a chance on the Reading railroad.

CANCER (June 22 – July 22) -Although moving an enormous tree into your house doesn’t bother you this month, wait until late February when that mother gets huge. Feeding the tree dark beer will only make it larger and more obtrusive. Take a Vicodin and no one will notice you’ve amputated you own foot. Drugs don’t always equal hugs. Keep an eye on Orion this week, things might get worse. An old friend’s breath smells really old.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) – A family of foreigners will change your mind on the economic and domestic policy of our future presidential nominees in the coming weeks. You will be confronted with a family of 17 living loudly in the one-bedroom apartment across from you. Don’t mind the restaurant owner who signed the lease for his dish cleaning staff before you get litigious! If you gave a sh*t you’d swear you were protecting the loss of American Jobs and the failing economy. Good luck inventing something cool, Escambia County!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) – Waking up to an especially ticked off spouse will get old in the coming weeks. Maybe it’s time to quit drinking so much. After you talk about things and everything gets smoothed over, have a beer to relax, then repeat the process all over again. A final decision will be reached when your liver quits on you. The gossip among the stars is leading Dr. Z to believe that you’re an inadequate lover, but only because you pass out before anything happens. As always, look to David Haselhoff for guidance.

Contact Dr. Zodiac at docz@lagniappemobile.com.

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