Mobile Magnified

Well, my sweets, Lent has made some of you behave better, but my hard-core alcoholics have not let me down. And I can tell it’s spring, ‘cause love is in the air. I keep hearing tales of engagements and weddings and a statue with a possible VD. Ahhh….Spring!

Charcoal Charlie names wrong dog

Last week, the town was abuzz about the former Register reporter who was arrested and given jail time after leaving her court-ordered rehab facility and unfortunately (for her) seen “swerving” into a local dive, (none other than Hayley’s), by Judge Charles Graddick, who had sent her to rehab.

One of my spies was horrified that Charlie had inaccurately identified one of the main characters of this story, and he wrote in to clear things up. The e-mail read as follows:

“Boozie, knowing this woman to supposedly be incarcerated, hizzoner IMMEDIATELY rounded up one of Mobile’s finest to accompany him into said establishment of libations, where the two of them commenced to handcuff and cart the poor, allegedly intoxicated femme fatale off to the hoosegow. Once she was back in hizzoner’s presence, and after he called her a “two bit drunk” (where CAN one find a drink for two bits, I wonder? (Boozie wonders, too)), she raised her weary head, and opened a can of worms…. alleging he and she were former lovers, that “everyone knows you are out to get me because you and I had an affair.” Simply too shocking!

But I digress from the real reason for my e-mailing this tidbit to you…hizzoner told the local mullet wrapper’s reporter that when he accosted the woman in Hayley’s that she was toasting “a white German shepherd dog.” WELLLL, let me tell you, Boozie, I hope hizzoner has better eyesight in his courtroom than he did in Hayley’s, because the “white German shepherd” in question was none other than Reuben, the harlequin Great Dane who is a bona fide resident of LoDa and to whom Hayley’s is “Cheers.” Reuben, and his people, are all quite incensed at his being mistaken for anything other than the giant breed he truly is.”

Thanks dear spy for writing in and clearing this matter up. Let me reiterate: the “two bit drunk” was toasting Reuben, a white Great Dane, not a white German shepherd. Maybe ol’ Charcoal Charlie was too busy gazing into his (alleged) old lover’s bloodshot eyes. Hee, hee.

Iron Deer has clap

A few issues ago we reported that it appeared the Washington Square Iron Deer was apparently practicing safe sex, as he or a “special friend” had put a condom on his um, “package.”

The condom magically disappeared, but now his recently repainted package has turned hot pink. We’re not sure if the discoloration is from a nasty case of the syphh that he picked up from some skanky stray Lab or if he was the victim of two little girls spotted playing in the Square with hot pink nail polish the same color as the Protector of the Square’s, um, John Deere.

The girl’s names appear in pink on the deer’s ears and his eyes are also a suspicious shade of pink, so all hooves point to the latter. But just in case, we may need to send him a box of Trojans and some penicillin, or at least some paint thinner.

Sushi – Walker Brother style

Liquid, next to the Bike Shop, has been offering some of the best sushi in town since snagging a chef from Mikato. Originally, they were just serving it Tuesday-Saturday evenings from 6 p.m. – 2 a.m., but since it was so popular they decided to open for lunch Tuesday-Friday, 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

To make the menu accurately reflect the owners, Arkansas boys, Jim and Woody Walker, the chef has added a Chicken Fried Steak roll to it. Now, that’s sushi ala Walker Brother. I wonder if you’re supposed to dip it in yellow gravy rather than soy sauce.

Soul Kitchen wedding

Springtime is a beautiful time in the Port City to tie the knot. Some brides opt for lovely Bayside weddings; others choose one of the many antebellum mansions or their churches. But apparently Spreadheads feel the downtown music hall, Soul Kitchen, is the perfect place to profess their everlasting love for one another and JB, of course.

Yes, it seems one local couple decided to get married at Soul Kitchen last Saturday between band sets. Not surprisingly, a Widepsread Panic cover band was playing that night, and one of its members, who actually got legally ordained on the Internet as a minister, was supposed to perform the ceremony for his dear friend, the groom. But after nerves got the best of him, another college friend, who also had gotten ordained off the Internet, performed the ceremony, and the band member served as Best Man instead.

We hear the groom was sporting a visor and the bride, who allegedly legally changed her name to “Bluegirl,” a reference to the Panic song “Lilly,” was wearing a Panic T-shirt (why waste all that tour money on a wedding dress? Smart Bluegirl!) that said “Vote for Jack.”

The crowd got so loud that the Best Man/Band Guy had to get on the microphone and tell the crowd to “shut the (expletive) up.” How romantic! After a honeymoon at Bonnaroo, the couple will reside in Surprise Valley, when not on tour.

Hearts a breakin’ all over Mob-town

Speaking of nuptials, we hear Mobile Register education reporter, Rena Havner, is officially off the market. She has been sporting a rock on her left ring finger since the MOT ball, where we hear her fiancé popped the big question while they were having their picture made. We wish the happy couple all the best and hear Soul Kitchen is available, if they need a place to get hitched.

Poligrip before puking

The Pelican Reef on Fowl River was hopping Saturday, March 11 with a huge crowd assembled to hear the sounds of the band Top of the Orange. One older lady had such a good time, she got a little sick and puked all over the carpet in the game room area. The force of her regurgitation was so strong that she puked out her dentures into the pool of her former stomach contents. She ran to the bathroom, leaving the dentures floating, but her loving friend fished the false teeth up out of the vomit. When the woman returned, the friend handed her the puke-soaked dentures, and she quickly stuck them back in her mouth without so much as pouring a warm High Life over them. Sweetie, you may want to invest in some Sea Bond or Super Poligrip before a night out on the town.

Well, my kiddies, that’s it for this issue. Don’t worry I’ll be at Callaghan’s and Paddy O’Tooles and probably some other points in between to observe all your Irish debauchery. And just remember, whether it’s rain or shine, dramatic or scandalous, or just some plain ol’ Spreadhead lovin’, I will be there. Ciao.

Boozie Beer Nues is Lagniappe social butterfly. Contact her at boozie@lagniappemobile.com.

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