By Rob Holbert Managing Editor

I settled in on my psychiatrist’s couch, staring up at the ceiling, jaw clenched, tears welling in my eyes.

“Doc, I think I’m falling apart. You gotta help me!” I said.

“Vat eez your probleem, Robert?” he asked. “Perhaps you are wetting zee bed again? Hmmmm? Hmmmmm?

“Um, no. I’ve got that sort of under control right now. It’s way worse than that, doc.”

“Again with zee dream about zee man with zee sausage for heez nose who drives a bun-shaped car and vants you to help him blow up zee mustard factory? I haff told you about vatching vat you eat late at night, my boy.”

“No, no, it’s not that, either. By the way, why are you talking like that? It’s really weird.”

“I thought it vould zound more psychiatric, Ja? Now tell me vat is wrong, Robert.”

“Doc, I’m starting to have these – this is so hard to say – these kind of positive feelings about things. Like positive feelings about some of the things happening around this town, and it’s really flipping me out.”

“Zis iss vonderful to have such feelings. I feel like ve haff made zee breakthrough, no? And with zee bedwetting problem under control too, I am tempted to declare you well enough to go out in public again.”

“You don’t understand doc, this is terrible. I can’t have positive feelings about my community, I’m a journalist. We’re supposed to be cynical and jaded so we can point out all the horrible things happening around town and get people all riled up. Without my cynicism, I’m likely to end up like some PR flak writing glowing articles about the economic benefits of a new Waffle House in Midtown, or some such thing. Nobody wants to read that!”

“I see. Perhaps you can tell me of some of zee vonderful things happening that are causing zees unvanted feelings.”

“That’s just it, doc. It’s kind of hard to put my finger on it. On the surface, there are plenty of things to complain about, but deep down I just don’t feel like things are so bad. In fact, I think they’re getting sort of good.”

“In vat way?”

“Well, take for example the new Mobile mayor. He hasn’t done squat since he got in office, unless you consider installing a new security door and commissioning some useless citizens’ report squat. I mean the guy’s been in for more than six months and he could have been dead for five of them for all we know. Still – and I’m not saying Sam Jones has done anything to make me feel this way – things seem to be OK.

“There’s a new aircraft construction facility going in at the regional airport and things are looking pretty good for EADS to win a contract to build tankers at Brookley. The RSA Tower is going up nicely and there are all sorts of apartments and condos opening up downtown. Property values are rising and our city is getting more vibrant all the time. Hey, we’re even starting to get great music on a routine basis. The Saenger Theater just keeps booking one great act after another, and people are actually buying tickets – Mobile people! Things are happening, doc!”

“Yes, yes, zis ees all true, but there must be zomething negative you can focus your thoughts upon. Vat about zee school board? It ees usually full of zee buffoonery, Ja?”

“Sure, there is plenty of idiocy going on at the Mobile County School Board, even if you don’t count John Holland running for his old seat after resigning because of ethics violations. That is pretty dumb. But there is reason to feel positive – there are so many opportunities for David Thomas to be convicted of a felony that he’s almost a shoe-in to get booted from office and maybe even tossed in jail.”

“And zis makes you happy?”

“Sure. I think the school board would be far better off if David Thomas was being traded for cigarettes inside a prison instead of being free to waste $9,000 in school monies to buy moonpies and beads to hurl during Mardi Gras. Once he gets tossed, maybe there’s a chance to get someone on the board who isn’t completely unacceptable.”

“Perhaps sometime ve should work on some of your anger issues, Robert. But vee vill deal with zat later. Vat other things are making you happy?”

“Well, I am sort of excited that Judge James Lackey and the Municipal Court were forced to let the media go through the thousands of cases they illegally expunged. I just like hearing Judge Lackey lamely explain how he thought it was legal to expunge the records of guys who beat up their women so they wouldn’t have trouble getting jobs later. It warms my black heart to see such an arrogant judge called out for doing things he knew he shouldn’t be doing, but thought no one would say anything about.”

“Yes, I must admit, zees one makes me feel happy too. Vat else ees on your mind?”

“This is embarrassing, but I’m also happy this little newspaper has made it almost four years and seems to be getting more and bigger advertisers all the time. But that’s what worries me. I’m afraid I’m going to screw things up if all I write is a bunch of nice articles about how great things are. Don’t you see how that could ruin me, doc?”

“I vouldn’t worry about it, my boy. I think you still got plenty of issues.”

Rob Holbert is Lagniappe managing editor. Contact him at rholbert@lagniappemobile.com.

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