By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

‘Tis the season to wear tacky clothes. All it takes is a look at the vanguard of seasonal sweaters hanging on or stretched over the frames of well-meaning-but-misdirected celebrants in malls and grocery stores everywhere.

Seasonal sweaters, because of our warm climate, don’t have as long of a season as they do in points north, but the season is long enough here to give you a chance to see many a holiday theme knitted into a crew or v neck.

The seasonal sweater season starts around Halloween and unfortunately lasts through Mardi Gras. Halloween sweaters often feature a big ol’ Jack-O-Lantern crocheted into a black sweater and are oh-so-spooky. Hey who needs a Halloween costume when you are already dressed as an idiot? The tacky sweater season continues to build strength through Thanksgiving, when sweaters always in a fall earthy tone with harvest scenes and cornucopias. They seem to be in every grocery store check out line.

Thanksgiving sweaters are just an opening act to the headliner of the season, and those are Christmas sweaters. Secular Christmas themes seem to rule the roost in the pecking order of these abominations of the clothing world. Frosty the Snowman appears to be very popular and what a nice look a sweater with a big fat snowman on it gives to any ensemble. Sticking with the corpulent theme, Santa climbing in or out of a chimney frequently finds its way onto the front of many a Christmas crew neck. The Christmas seasonal sweater look is much more involved than just a sweater, especially for women.

No knowledgeable Christmas seasonal sweater wearer would be caught out shopping in the Wal-Mart without the other necessary clothing items to round out the tacky sweater look. For men, jeans or khakis and a college football team ball cap complete the look, but for women the “look” is specifically about two items of clothing. First a seasonal sweater must be worn on top of a turtle neck in one of three Christmas colors; red, white or green. The extra warmth and the burka-like hiding of a woman’s neck is essential to making the sweater scene of kids sledding all it can be.

The other essential clothing item is a pair of stirrup pants preferably in black. A pair of acid-washed jeans can be substituted on rare occasions, as long as the turtleneck is white. Ah yes, what look could say Happy Holidays any better than the aforementioned one and that same look also passes along the message that “I don’t have sex, I don’t want to and I will never want to” with equal strength.

When grandmothers wear seasonal sweaters and the accompanying accoutrements, it’s okay, they may have mothballed the sex part of their lives. But when women in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s embrace this look, it must mean they are trying to repel men. At some level the only reason people dress in anything other than sackcloths and unitards is to look good for the opposite sex.

Not saying that if you dress in clothing other than seasonal sweaters and turtlenecks that you’re out cruising for love, but at least it leaves the option open. You could take Liv Tyler and put her in a Rudolph sweater, white turtle neck and black stirrup pants, and it would negate any bit of innate hotness and would probably cause her to tease her bangs.

This and every holiday season, just remember to fight the temptation of sweaters advertising the celebration and just stick to carving pumpkins and putting up Christmas trees, not wearing them.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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