By Sean Sullivan Lagniappe columnist

I’m really at a loss for something, anything cohesive, to rail about this week. There has not been any one thing that went above and beyond in an attempt to annoy me. That void gave me an idea to clear out some of the little things that vex and/or perplex me, sort of a “To Whom it May Concern” lost and found.

This will be similar to that stupid “Potpourri” category on “Jeopardy.” Speaking of “Jeopardy,” why is it that Alex Trebek has to break out a beret and a wheel of cheese to pronounce every French word on the show? Yes Alex, we know you are from Quebec…get over it.

So back to this mental spring-cleaning thing.

This is top-of-mind, so I’ll start with the parking lot athletes. The parking lot athlete is the person who feels all needed exercise can be gained by parking further out in a parking lot than the next available space. If someone plans, for example, to eat an extra-large meal, the solution to the excess calories is as simple as parking in the back of the parking lot because that 30-yard walk should burn all the dinner calories by the time you’re close enough to hit the remote keyless lock on the ole’ Town Car.

You hear the phrase “the exercise will be good for us” mostly in restaurant parking lots, but it also is heard at mall and discount store parking lots. Achtung parking lot trekkers, walking four extra spaces does not constitute exercise, quit lying to yourself, or at least say it quietly enough that I can’t hear you.

The 200-dollar question in the “To Whom it May Concern” potpourri category is why is Larry King the spokesman for anything, let alone health products? This from a man who has had at least three heart attacks and is now the chief huckster for grape juice and garlic as the key to a heart-healthy lifestyle.

I wonder if the world’s leading cardiologists feel like big dummies for not figuring out that washing down a clove or two with a splash of grape juice is the solution to fighting heart disease and the occasional werewolf. Hey Larry, stick to softball questioning your guests and stay of the medical advice biz.

The next item up for bid is T-shirts for things that don’t exist. Heads up buddy, there is not really a “Beverly Hills Polo Club,” and if there was, I’m suspect to the idea that they would choose a Dreamsicle orange t-shirt to display their logo on.

Another group that has pushed to my limits of polite interaction are the cell phone bull-horners. Folks, although wireless, that Nokia in your hand is still a phone and not a loud speaker. When you have a bad connection, speaking louder will not fix the problem unless the person you’re calling is also within earshot.

Wow fresh as a daisy. That spring-cleaning thing worked nicely. I cleared out some space in the card catalog of “things that annoy me” and now I can restock the shelves with fresh and new annoyances. I really should do this more often.

Sean Sullivan is Lagniappe lagniappe columnist. Contact him at ssullivan@lagniappemobile.com.

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